Spurious News: President Biden renames former Fort Hood. Again.
KILLEEN, TEXAS (Spurious News Network) -- In 2023, the special Presidential panel to rename Army bases that were once named for Confederate generals renamed Fort Hood, which was christened in honor of John Bell Hood, one of history's worst generals, to honor General Richard Cavazos, the US Army's first Hispanic four-star general. Today, the Army will correct that mistake.
"It wasn't right to rename Fort Hood after Richard Cavazos," President Joe Biden said. "That's demeaning to the general. Richard Cavazos was a fine general and a great person, much better than this base is."
The new name is Fort Malacoda. Malacoda is the leader of the demons guarding the Eighth Circle of Hell in Dante's Inferno.
"Finally!" said Command Sergeant Major Richard Johnson, the base's senior sergeant. "Someone gets this fucking place!"
It has been said that exactly one person ever requested an assignment to Fort Malacoda in the history of the US Army. "That guy was a 19-year-old private who grew up twenty miles from base," said CSM Johnson. "He got to sleep in his old bedroom and eat his mom's cooking every night. Everyone else in the Army sees this as an assignment to be avoided."
The alteration of the name happened at zero cost to the Army. "We don't have printed letterhead anymore, so we just had to patch the letterhead file on everyone's computer. That took a sergeant who lives in the barracks five minutes," said CSM Johnson. "Soldiers bought paint with their own money to change every sign on base. A guy in the III Corps Information Management Office went into the Army website last night and changed the name everywhere it appears. Any Army manual that formerly listed this place as Fort Cavazos has been corrected. We love it when our soldiers show teamwork; the hallowed name of Richard Cavazos was restored to its former glory and we now have a great new name."
Soldiers at Fort Malacoda are ecstatic about the change. Said Captain Lauren Weber, a company commander in 1st Cavalry Division, "I studied literature in college so I knew exactly what they were talking about. When I announced the change to my company, they first thought it was just a really cool name. Then I explained the Inferno to them and I don't think I've heard soldiers laugh that hard, ever."
The name change comes with a change in the base's motto. Formerly "the great place," which the entire Army saw as false advertising, it is now "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Lieutenant General Kevin Admiral, commanding general of III Armored Corps and Fort Malacoda, said "I thought that's what it was already, but it's nice that it's official now."
Incoming President-for-Life Elect Donald Trump has pledged to have the base renamed after himself, which confused General Admiral for a second. "Trump, Malacoda...there's a difference?"
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