Spurious News: Trump's Christmas Message and a response
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- This morning, Bill Signer Elect Donald Trump transmitted this message over his social media accounts on Truth Social and X, the current name of Twitter:
"Merry CHRISTmas to all those loyal Americans who voted for me. Those traitors who voted for Lyin' Kamala or who didn't vote at all, we know who you are and we'll be Making America Great Again by deporting you all to North Korea where my good friend Kim Jong Un will deal with you in his own special way."
Lieutenant Colonel Bill Witherspoon, commander of 1st Ranger Battalion at Hunter Army Airfield, GA, decided Something Had To Be Done about this. "Staff Sergeant Fredrickson, our battalion gunsmith, is married to an opera singer who's a great tailor and whose lovely voice carries really far. She made this beautiful costume that's a jumpsuit in wedding dress fabric. She looks like a dream in it. What we're going to do is infiltrate her into the back lawn at Mar-a-Lago at 3 am dressed in this outfit and carrying a big bag with some Quarter Pounders and fries in it. We also got a National Guard smoke platoon to set up outside of the mansion to blow the aroma of used McDonald's fry oil in through an open window, and a PsyOps platoon from Fort Liberty to put a microphone on the bag. She's going to go on the lawn, shake the bag and sing about how delicious the food is and that he should come out and get it. You know, like the Sirens in mythology who led sailors to ground their ships on big rocks. Eventually he'll come out and a company of Rangers will grab him. After that, we'll fly him to Fort Stewart and throw him in the stockade until someone comes to bail him out and fly him to Russia so he can be with his mentor Putin. Don't worry, the Secret Service approved the operation because they don't like him either. After that...I guess Vice President Harris is going to have to be president whether she likes it or not because she came in second to him in November."
When asked the question on everyone's mind, Colonel Witherspoon laughed. "No one will. We have to buy the food at (11 pm) before McDonald's closes, and it'll take until (five in the morning) to finish the operation. Anyone who tried to eat that stuff after all that time would have the worst day of his life."