Kristi Noem Reassigned To Scarecrow Role At USDA
WASHINGTON—Characterizing her new role in the middle of an Iowa corn field as a better fit for her skill set, the White House announced Friday that former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem had been reassigned as a scarecrow at the USDA.
“While she clearly struggled in her prior position, we realized Kristi still had more than enough ability to serve this presidency by frightening away birds that threaten vulnerable crops,” said White House spokesman Eliot Barnes, adding that the gradual job transition had been in the works for months and explained the increased presence of a pointed burlap hat at public appearances.
“We assured her that this new post was merely a lateral move, which helped get her onboard with the idea of wearing a flannel shirt overstuffed with straw and holding her arms stiffly out to the side for hours on end. The first time I saw her mounted on that wooden T-shaped frame, I knew Kristi Noem was an absolute natural at terrifying animals.”
At press time, Noem had been abruptly removed from her new post after all the crops in the field withered within seconds of her arrival.
https://theonion.com/kristi-noem-reassigned-to-scarecrow-role-at-usda/
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