"Women are expected to work like they have no children and parent like they have no job."

[Collimator]

Last edited Wed Jun 3, 2026, 08:36 PM - Edit history (1)

Just heard that in a Youtube video discussing divorces that the husbands swear, "came out of nowhere."

I'm sharing it here because it is a powerhouse of truth packed into one clear sentence.

Edit: Since this topic has garnered some interest, I will go ahead and include the Youtube video from which I quoted. It is nearly an hour long and not every person speaking or presenting information is a clear-minded or as succinct as the quote, but the pain and disappointment and reality is there to see.

[IA8IT]

1. Bookmarked!!!

[chouchou]

2. Most Women sit around watching "A brighter Day" ..polishing their nails...

....eating Bon-Bons and chatting about nothings..
..said nobody never, ever with an IQ higher than a hair brush.

[Celerity]

15. What is "A brighter Day"? TIA

[niyad]

16. A reference to the "soap operas" that women supposedly have nothing

to do but watch all day.

[Celerity]

20. never heard of it

thanks

[niyad]

23. I had never heard of that one, either, so I looked it up. Wayyyyyyyyyy

before your time, and somewhat before mine, since it ran from 1954 to 1962. Some very well-known names associated with it, incluuding Hal Holbrook and Patty Duke, and even, at the end, Agnes Nixon, the queen of daytime soaps.

[chouchou]

37. One of the ridiculous daytime Dramas that could have wasted one's life away.

Like Martha...Oh John...We've only had 2 dates...Let's get married.. (I don't even know if that stuff is still around)

[PatSeg]

47. I've never been a huge fan

of daytime soap operas, but they are/were a damn sight better than all this reality TV trash we see today.

[chouchou]

49. Unfortunately, Your words are True.

[PatSeg]

50. And guess what types of people

love a steady diet of reality TV. They thought The Apprentice was real and that DJT really was a brilliant businessman.

[MustLoveBeagles]

3. Will the Democrats campaign on that issue?

[Lithos]

5. Symptom of a bigger issue

But a great example to use about the unaffordability and rise in class differences.

[OldBaldy1701E]

42. Yes it is.

But, just as some scientists only want to ask those questions that they already know the answer to, these days we seem more interested in addressing symptoms that we already have the ability to alter than address the causes that don't carry the 'glamour' and 'prestige' when they are addressed.

[Jilly_in_VA]

52. A smart candidate would

But it will take a smart FEMALE candidate to pick up on it!

[Raven123]

4. Spot on.

[Timewas]

6. So Far

n the US and probably quite a few other countries women have been discriminated against in almost all levels, they are mostly treated as lower caste to a level that I would call "almost" slavery. It is totally unfair to say the very least. There is no way this should be. And it is not just a Repug problem, this is truly a case of both sides passing the buck and failing at their jobs.

[paleotn]

25. Until the 70's, women could do little financially on their own.

Most banks wouldn't allow women to have bank accounts in their own name without spousal permission or a male consigner until well into the 70's / early 80's. Women could rarely take out credit in their own name until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974. That wasn't all that long ago.

[RockRaven]

31. Yep. My mother won't bank with one of the major American banks because of a grudge related to that.

She had a job (full time, stable position).
She had a bank account in her name.
Everything was fine.

She got married.

The bank said they would close the account if her now-existing husband didn't cosign.
So she left them for a different bank down the street who didn't insist on the same.

She still dislikes that bank as if on principle, the anecdote will re-surface occasionally if that bank is in the news.

[Farmer-Rick]

44. Same thing happened to my spouse in 1986

I was in the Navy and when we moved to Puerto Rico my spouse went to open a bank account. Yup, they wanted my signature. My spouse unloaded on them. I never did sign that permission slip.

[Lifeafter70]

33. I lived those days

Wanted to have my tubes tied after my second child
I was denied due to my husband refusing to sign the paperwork.
When we divorced in 1982, I couldn't rent, get a credit card, bank account or car insurance without a co-signer.
After 12 years of marriage (with a work history) I had zero credit. It was as if I didn't exist and had to start from scratch.

[StoolPigeon]

7. BTW

So do single fathers, except they have no lawyers on their side.

[ihaveaquestion]

9. Oh right... men have nothing but problems getting a lawyer!

Lawyers are famously attracted to money, so maybe you just don't make enough, Pumpkin.

[niyad]

12. Dear Goddess, it is very disappointing to see that sort of thing on a

Democratic board, for all we have covered over the years about divorce and its effects, including the screwed-up, misogynist family court system. For a quick refresher, I just googled "single fathers vs single mothers", and the articles that came up were ALL about the income disparities (single fathers made more, because men make more in general)and the differrent stress levels (women, in general) had more.

[H2O Man]

19. Being a single parent

is tough. That holds for mothers and fathers. I was a single father, and all of my children are now solid adult citizens. But that wasn't always easy. I was fortunate to have a good group of family and friends that proved helpful. I always had someone I trusted to talk to.

Likewise, over the decades, I've helped connect family and friends with lawyers for separations and divorces. I had no trouble connecting fathers and mothers to good legal representation. I'm friends with a number of lawyers, and that is in part a result of bringing people with all the documentation they need to them.

Now, I'm sure that things are different in different states, but NYS changed its laws in the 1970s, something that Governor Rockefeller pushed through when the head of his security whenever he left Albany was getting a divorce and wanted full custody of his three children.

[paleotn]

26. Lawyers won't take your money? Oh really.

[Torchlight]

28. Sounds serious

Good luck

[johnp3907]

35. Men can't afford lawyers?

[xuplate]

8. And play mommy with benefits to an adult spouse.

[slightlv]

17. OMG! After spending all day trying to find the wallet

my husband lost, this one hit me to the core. I'm fighting a really bad fibro flare, but was expected to find it when he can't even remember where he had it last!

But more than that, it points to another inequity... hubby's 72 and doing the fast track on the dementia scale. Not only have I lost a marital partner, I've lost my best friend. And it hurts so bad there are no words. But there is no help, other than my grandson (and believe, I AM grateful for that... he's the one who found the wallet!)... but hubby is to the point where he needs a keeper, and I can't keep up with it. This is the first time I've said those words, and I feel so horrible saying them. And you know what? I blame the ecosystem in which we women live. Yes, we're suppose to parent our children like we have no job. And job like we have no children. But now I no longer have a job (I brought in most of our paycheck, anyway)... and no help to "parent" my "kid"... and believe me, it's like living with a 2-year-old. I'm afraid to let loose the tears I feel most of the time. I'm afraid if I started crying, I'd never stop. And a large part of that is guilt... it's an amorphous guilt, even I admit that. That's why I blame the "mythology" that culture has steeped upon us women.

[niyad]

21. huggggggggs, my friend. Your DU family is here, so lean as hard as

you need. As our SKITTLES says, there is always someone here. And, if at all possible, find a support group with which you feel comfortable. And, PLEASE, take good care of yourself. The stress of caregiving, especially of one's belived spouse, now almost a stranger, is tremendous.

[malaise]

22. I feel it for you

[paleotn]

27. So sorry.

And you're right. We are all programmed with that mythology to varying degrees. An evil our society has yet to fully shake.

[SheltieLover]

30. We are here for you, V

[Sympthsical]

32. If you have a healthcare provider you regularly talk to

Please, please, please confide in them what you've just said here. There are resources and support groups for caregivers who are going through what you described. Caregiver burn out is real. Your mental health is important, too.

I promise nothing you've said is unusual and many other spouses and children in your position feel and go through this - particularly the guilt part.

It is good and necessary to ask for help, even only if it's for the benefit of your mental health. Sometimes particularly if it will help with your mental health. Absolutely no one in the health profession who work with neurological disorders is going to judge you for needing help. It's extremely common.

Please ask about and take advantage of resources if you're able. It's normal to talk about what you're dealing with and normal to shed tears over it. You're having a basic human response.

[slightlv]

38. Thanks...

I did talk some to my PCP, who referred my name to a sociologist on staff. I got an email offering 6 free sessions, but had almost blown it off because it was about me and how I was feeling... not so much him. Your response and the others I received here have changed my mind. They offer this
through telemed so I promise, ya'll have changed my thought process around. I'll email her tomorrow. Hopefully she'll have something more than the Council on Aging. Havent found them to be much help here.

Again, thank you everyone. You helped. I even just came back from giving him a big hug and a (reassuring, I hope) kiss goodnight. Tomorrow is another adventure...

[Sympthsical]

40. So pleased to hear this

had almost blown it off because it was about me and how I was feeling... not so much him.

You're important, too.

[Aussie105]

41. Same here in reverse - playing parent to a 5 year old wife who is 82.

It's hard work.

What hurts just as much as the gradual loss of the person I married, is the non-comprehension from younger relatives, who are noticeable by their long term absence.

[FakeNoose]

45. A humble suggestion ... if he keeps losing his wallet

They make men's wallets with a chain and hook or clip, and they aren't too expensive. The idea is to clip the wallet to a belt loop or even hook it on his belt. He can still keep the wallet in his pocket and get access when needed. But it stays on the belt loop if he forgets to put the wallet back into the pocket.

It's something like this, but there are many different versions. (My dad had one like this):

[CousinIT]

46. Slightly...

.....

I'm just adding a list of resources for caregivers. Choose what's best for you - but you deserve and can ask for help! A big one is the '988' number when you need to talk to someone.

- AARP Caregiving — information, tools, local resources, guides for family caregivers.
- Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA) — education, support programs, state caregiver resource lists.
- Administration for Community Living (ACL) — federal programs, eldercare resources, local aging network (ACL/Area Agencies on Aging).
- Eldercare Locator — national service to find local services (Area Agencies on Aging, respite, counseling).
- National Alliance for Caregiving — research, policy, best practices, employer resources.
- Caregiver Action Network — peer support, practical caregiving guides, condition‑specific resources.
- Alzheimer’s Association — dementia-specific support, 24/7 helpline, local chapters, caregiver education.
- ARCH National Respite Network & Resource Center — respite care info and state respite programs.
- Veterans Affairs Caregiver Support Program (VA) — support, counseling, financial/program benefits for caregivers of veterans.
- Mental health/crisis resources — SAMHSA National Helpline and 988 for crisis support when caregiver mental health is at risk.

How to pick the right one
- For local services/respite: start with Eldercare Locator or your Area Agency on Aging (ACL).
- For disease‑specific support (Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, stroke): use the disease organization (e.g., Alzheimer’s Association).
- For peer support and practical tips: AARP, Caregiver Action Network, and FCA.
- For veterans: use VA Caregiver Support Program.

[state of stupid]

55. I feel for you; I went thru the dementia caretaker twice. The first time was with my mother.

About halfway thru she remembered my brother and remembered she had another son,
but did not know what happened to him. I went from being her son to the handsome stranger
to was I a friend of my brother. The second time was my brother. I do not know if he knew who
I was or not because he lost the ability to speak and write anything legible. I can tell you that I
learned pretty much the hard way, if you do not take care of yourself physically, mentally and
spiritually; you cannot take care of them effectively. Having people who will listen is number one
on the list. Sometimes you need to bounce ideas around to get a perspective on your options;
other times you just need to vent.
As has already been mentioned there is always somebody here willing to listen. As a matter of
fact, there are quite a few folks here that can offer very good advice!

https://www.dementiasociety.org/dementia-help?msclkid=16dbf00ea8d9176ba1429a2f1d7efa7d

[Skittles]

10. my brother coached the men's company softball team

THEN he coached the ladies team - he said OMG, he could not believe the difference.....the women were CONSTANTLY being interrupted or pulled out the game for family issues.....the men, nope - they just got to play

[Nittersing]

48. Was watching a comedy routine

And the female comic asked how many husbands had called since the show started... hands went up... calls were shared... "what's for dinner?" "do you know where such-n-such is?"

[Tumbulu]

11. And then get no credit for either and blamed for everything

And sadly it is far worse in many other parts of the world that I have lived and worked. To the point that we had the illusion that real progress had been made.

Then we nominated two women to run for president; a creepy mob boss convicted rapist and felon won both times. Making it oh so very clear what the majority of the people of this nation actually think about women. Pretty dismal, I would say.

[niyad]

13. And that is putting it VERY politely.

[slightlv]

18. Unless you believe the "rumors" that Harris actually won. Which I do.

But even that is little comfort. It took a horrible, evil, corrupt person to even have people START thinking a woman could be president. And I, naive that I was, actually thought maybe I'd see a woman president in my lifetime.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

14. I mean...everyone is. It's just that women, for the most part, picked up the slack for some time, and now are not.

[BeneteauBum]

24. As a single father who raised three daughters

There many valid points discussed here. However, I take issue with a few. I felt some of the post were exclusionary of so many fathers who have experienced the same issues concerning a women’s harried life including financial problems. How many times I had to tell my boss (his wife raised their son) to put himself in my place. So many times I felt there was not enough time in the day…..burning the proverbial candle at both ends. There are variations in different narratives and not one fits all.

Peace ☮️

[niyad]

29. Thank you so much for including the video link. I will look at it later,

as I found some of the comments interesting.

[DET]

34. "Women are expected to work like they have no children and parent like they have no job."

I would add ‘…and take care of their parents like they had no kids and no job’.

We were lucky…my mother was in a great nursing home on Medicaid and my mother-in-law could afford a good assisted living facility. But many families can’t do that, and the burden of care often falls primarily on the women in the family.

This will get much worse once the Medicaid cuts in the Big Crappy Bill go into effect, since the majority of nursing home patients are on Medicaid and will be kicked out of their nursing homes and returned to their families - if they are lucky enough to have them. From what I’ve seen, most nursing home patients require 24/7 specialized care, which is impossible to provide in a home environment. I find this all unbearably cruel.

[Jack Valentino]

36. GREAT and VERY TRUE line!

Glad I wasn't born a woman--- because I am not responsible enough to BE a woman!


I think that if there were less women in positions of power,
we would have already destroyed the planet--- but there ought to be MORE!

[BlueWaveNeverEnd]

39. "The mental load" women try to explain to men that they are carrying the mental load

And men dont get it.

The mental load equals

Kids lunch, school clothes, homework, all the stuff required for school
Meals, groceries for meals
Everything required to run and maintain a home

[Diamond_Dog]

51. Yep.

Kids’ afterschool activities and doctor/dentist appts.

Family social secretary. Keep track of birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, etc. Buy gift when appropriate. Hosting family get-togethers.

Everyone’s laundry, including sheets and towels.

Veterinarian appointments if necessary.

Even when men claim they “help” around the house, 9 times out of 10 the wife has to ask him 5 times to do something. Just like your kids!

[BlueWaveNeverEnd]

57. Women marry a man with kids and are shocked when he shifts all child care to him

Reddit is a source for the stories.

On the days he has custody of the kids, he is sleeping late or going off to golf. Women have to put their foot down or divorce to get out of being the default parent

[live love laugh]

43. And society suffers from the epidemic of unparented kids.

[Moostache]

53. My wife and I just passed 30 years of marriage in March of this year...

Those are not 30 uninterrupted years of total bliss and harmony. We have raised 5 children during that span and my wife has borne an incredible amount of the burden for transporting them around town and making appointments because of her ability to work from home and my need to be onsite at a remote facility 30 miles away everyday.

We discussed things like moving years ago - to allow me to share the burden - it is simply not feasible for me to leave work, drive for 40 minutes one way, drop the kids off at practice or a friend's house or an activity like band or theater and then drive back to work another 40 minutes only to turn around and do it again in a few hours time. In emergency situations, I never have had to be uninvolved or absent, but on the routine or day-to-day I have been absent more than would be fair... However, she and I agreed to stay in our house rather than move. I had also entertained other jobs and even a career reset and cross-country move...but in EVERY case we discussed these options and LISTENED to each other and agreed to do the thing that was the most important to our marriage - put the well-being of the kids above ourselves or our personal wishes or at a bare minimum on equal footing as a consideration. I turned down lucrative opportunities elsewhere to stay in a stable situation at the cost of personal advancement - but I got a lifetime of memories and 5 college graduate children with 3 of them now entertaining marriages of their own. They have come to me and my wife to ask us how we did it. How did we manage to stay together and to raise the kids and NOT have any of them hate us or resent us or wish they were someone else's kids. My wife sacrificed HOURS of her time every week, but we got to stay in the home we own and that we brought each our children home from the hospital to, the house that became the family home and a history of memories. We gave up on spur of the moment trips to the tropics, but we had the family intact and experiencing life together for most of the last 27 years now. It was a good trade off for us, but it was also never left undiscussed or assumed.

In the end, it is ALWAYS the same story in marriage and in life - you have to WANT it to make it happen AND you have to WORK at it to keep it going. That's it. Honestly. My son, who is engaged to his long time girlfriend and planning a 2027 wedding now, pulled me aside and said "come on Pops... it can't be just that." And I told him with absolutely no wavering, "son, that is really "it"... there's no other secret I can give you". That is because there is no other 'secret sauce' or formula, no 'magic bulle't or 'easy button'. A loving marriage after three decades does not happen without hard work on both ends and mutual respect and communication and a ton of sacrifice on both ends.

Above all else, 100% honesty with one's self and one's spouse is the bare minimum entry requirement. Lies and untruths are the equivalent of smoking to a marriage - they may not kill you at once, and you may even be lucky to manage to avoid the consequences entirely for years, but you gamble with the health of your relationship with every lie, omission or down right deception. And if you persist, it very well could end up killing the relationship and costing you everything.

It's my opinion that many people get married with the thought in the back of their mind that if everything is NOT fairy tale perfect forever, with no effort, that they will head to divorce court and take the exit ramp (and that is NOT to imply there are no legitimate or even mandatory situations where divorce is the only solution, because there are in spades). When I decided more than 3 decades ago to propose to my wife, I did so with a clarity in my mind that was very strange to my 24-year old self, I knew into the depths of my soul that this was what I wanted and what I was willing to move heaven and Earth to keep. I entered the church the day of our wedding with an eerie calm and resolute in my heart that I was burning the boats and committing to us that day with no other options, period.

My parents were married for 52 years before my mother passed in 2020. They certainly had some fights while I was growing up that I remember to this day, but they managed to fight through their problems and stayed together, really depending on each other into their retirement years to an extent that became hyper clear to us all when we lost Mom. My dad was never the same after that until his passing earlier this year. He was lost without her and it showed, painfully, for all of us over the last few years.

My wife's parent divorced when she was 10 after a tumultuous marriage marked by infidelity and fighting before divorcing. There was legitimate concern before our wedding that my wife's birth mother and step-mother might actually throw hands at the wedding due to the enmity between them. Thankfully that did not happen! We entered our marriage from 180-degree opposite experiences around marriage, but we both knew we were committed to each other and to making our marriage the center of our family and the central pivot of our lives.

In 30 years, we have had innumerable fights and bickers and arguments. I have made waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than my share of bone-headed decisions and mistakes (probably enough for both of us combined if I am fair). But we are still together and facing the new phase of life as our children are entering adulthood and leaving the house to go on their own (I hope...eventually? LOL) I was a little worried about that as I reflect on our time together and just how fast and how long it feels at the same time... but I have faith in one thing above all else on this planet, and that is in the support of my wife and the primacy of our family to both of us.

And in the end, I hold onto the belief that her and I against the world has worked for 30 years and I hope it lasts for 30 more (even though I fear my time on this moist pebble will not extend that far...but my love for my wife and our family will live on long beyond my physical form). In the end, that is enough so far. That is success in my mind and my life. And no one can take that away without a fight they would not be prepared for! I may falter and fail in the future, as I have in the past...but I remain committed to making this work and when I do step out of line or forget that momentarily because I get in my feels about some perceived sleight or argument, I remind myself that if we went strictly on mass balance, I owe my wife an unpayable debt from jump street!

[gulliver]

54. Elizabeth Warren points out the "two-income trap"...

...that everyone now falls into. Add that to egomania, laziness, and the addiction to ubiquitous 24x7 entertainment.

Start with what you want to do with your life and what the economy forces you to do for that. It's a recipe for misery and disaster.

Start with what makes healthy, grounded kids and a strong relationship. That will "probably" work better. You have much better odds anyway.

[LT Barclay]

56. I think the biggest problem is the exploitative nature of work now.

I’m working 45 hours because my workplace has found sneaky ways to get more than their share of my time, I’m taking about 2 hours per day home, trying to care for a wife with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, 2 adopted kids, and the job wants more out of me. The wannabe Nazi I work for has a favorite expression “there’s no excuse for..”