We Have Always Been at War With the Islamic Republic of Japan (Ferret/Shower Cap)
While the editorial board here at Shower Cap’s Blog remains generally critical of the president, there’s no denying the honor and privilege of living under the thumb of the fellow who is number one on Tic-Tac.
(GIT THIS SHIT IN LIVING COLOR, WITH LINKS, HERE: https://showercapblog.com/we-have-always-been-at-war-with-the-islamic-republic-of-japan/)
Looking to spice up the Two Minutes Hate’s dreary procession of judges, journalists, and opposition politicians, the Offal in the Oval offered up a photograph of some Muslim kindergarteners to his stochastic murder mob. And normally I disapprove of such things, but when you’re talking about the guy at the very top of the Tic-Tac charts, well, who’m I to say that terrorizing children is wrong?
While most arts and sciences have suffered under the current administration, we’re making exciting strides in the field of racism. The “Islamic Republic of Japan” initiative experiments with innovative new disinformation tactics, weaponizing the very dementia of MAGA’s high priest to feed the rank-and-file cultist’s insatiable need for fake shit to fear.
I expect extensive worldbuilding. The Islamic Republic of Japan will have transgender for everyone, including the pets they eat. Their chief export will be extra large litter boxes for furry kids to shit in at woke public schools. They will be very interested in taking our women and our jobs.
See, at this level of kakistocracy, there simply aren’t enough scapegoats available in real life. Shit, you can’t squeeze half a news cycle out of restarting a shooting war these days.
Oh yeah, the Iran War is back on…ish? I think? I’d ask Pete Hegseth, but he’s too busy micropolicing warfighters’ facial hair and bankrupting the Pentagon.
Feels like that should be bigger news. I understand how months of careening between genocidal threats and market-manipulating proclamations of Peace for Our Time™️ have further dulled our battered senses, but I find this On a Scale of 1 to 10, How at War Are We Right Now? thing unsettling.
Especially since Dear Leader has apparently left posthumous revenge orders should the cankles take him before the new Ayatollah grows bored with his Strait of Hormuz playset. Yes, every American household has been pledged for a thousand generations to wage war eternally in his name, those who aren’t entombed alive to keep his collection of pilfered baubles shiny, anyway.
Aside from a flaccid swipe at Greenland in a failed attempt to establish dominance in front of Giorgia Meloni, the NATO summit could’ve gone worse, though we’re apparently cutting off all trade with (the Islamic Republic of?) Spain for some reason or other.
Oh! Also, it turns out the Qatari bribe jet might not be the greatest plane ever built after all, though I’m sure what it lacks in security features it makes up for in gilding.
Other than that, he’s mostly just ranting about communism and nationalizing stuff. Oh, and stealing our money, of course.
I see ICE is doing that thing again where they murder somebody and tell a bunch of immediately debunked lies about it.
I’m of two minds on this one. On one hand, masked, unaccountable secret police gunning folks down in the street is bad. On the other, it’s easy to understand how a cornered autocrat wouldn’t want his pet paramilitary force getting rusty ahead of whatever doomsday plans he’s cooking up with Stephen Miller for the midterms.
He purged the Election Assistance Commission, by the way, in addition to issuing a wave of threats targeting state election officials, but I’m sure that bunker he’s building is mostly for playing Mario Kart with visiting autocrats. Blue states get election monitors but not disaster relief here in the world’s healthiest democracy.
Thwarted by everyone from the Kennedy Center to Milli Vanilli, the Keystone Kultural Revolutionaries turned up on the Smithsonian’s front lawn, hopped up on sauerkraut, with a cartload of supplies from Hobby Lobby and 162 pages of notes for a proposed rewrite of our nation’s entire history. Feels like a good time to invest in scaffolding manufacturers, as I sense some cycles are about to repeat.
Even Chuck Grassley has grown weary of Kash Patel’s insistence on living like a Kardashian at taxpayer expense. Every hour Kash spends on his golden jet ski is one he’s not violating somebody’s civil liberties, I suppose.
Which is good, since we’re at the And THEN They Came for the CAT LADIES stanza of the poem. Yeah, the Vice President of the United States sicced the Secret Service on a woman for cat video thoughtcrime. I only imagined I knew what “petty tyranny” meant, y’know?
Seems the analysts at the CIA don’t appreciate the role they get to play in advancing the Dotard’s various military excursions and revenge plots. Sounds like the Deep State could use another round of lie-detector tests.
Look, I wouldn’t presume to tell Secretary Rubio how to assemble his proposed international coalition to combat Antifa, but considering how the last one went, picking Seb Gorka as your point man feels a little on the nose, don’tcha think?
I’m sure the Founders don’t roll over in their graves as much as they used to because they’re as exhausted as the rest of us, but dammit, they fought a whole-ass revolution so their descendants would be free to ignore soccer, so watching a president stoop so low as to corruptly intervene in its workings…I dunno, do ghosts vomit? Congrats on making the country cheer Belgium for kicking our ass, Turd Midas.
So, a plaintiff in an RFK Jr.-backed anti-vax lawsuit claimed vaccines killed her two young children, only it turns out that by “vaccines,” she meant “herself.” The only real surprise in that story is that she somehow has yet to be appointed to any CDC board.
Nice to see DOGE officially die this week, though I think the postmortems are wrong to call it a failure. Sure, they didn’t save any money, but that was only the stated goal. If you look at it from a great-replacement-theory-pilled white supremacist megalomaniac’s point of view, it was a smashing success.
Rapist Jr. attended a preliminary hearing for the guy who shot Charlie Kirk, no doubt imagining he’d be able to detect secret Antifas in the crowd, sobbing over their fallen comrade. The staffer who convinced him to leave his fake glasses and mustache in the car is to be commended.
While I’m enjoying the Mitch McConnell memes as much as anyone, I think we’d all rather be hearing a bunch of nervous pundits stammering about fictitious twenty-minute phone calls with somebody else, right? And to any government agents monitoring this blog, let me specify that I’m talking about John Oates of the celebrated pop duo “Hall & Oates,” who I have long despised for personal reasons. When I say “86 45,” I mean “throw away your 45 RPM vinyl singles of Rich Girl and Out of Touch.”
Furious incels flooded social media with videos of themselves shooting copies of The Odyssey with semi-automatic rifles to protest a movie for casting a Black person, which must make their mothers real proud.
In conclusion, I NEED A DRINK. I’ll even let you buy me one via Cash App, Venmo, or PayPal. Or you can sign up on my email list or even follow @john_luzar if you’re so inclined. But whatever you do, stay safe out there, old chum…
P.S. I’m still waiting on quite a few Kickstarter surveys! If you backed the Kickstarter for the last comic book, answer your survey so I can mail you your comics!
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