Borowitz - Profile in Ignorance: Eric Trump
When we think about Donald J. Trump’s adult male spawn, we tend to focus on the older, sweatier one. That’s fine with Don Jr., who’s spoken at countless Nuremberg-style rallies to prove himself worthy of his namesake. At the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in 2023, for example, he roasted Sen. John Fetterman, who was recovering from a series of health problems. “Pennsylvania managed to elect a vegetable,” he said, a Mephistophelean gleam in his eyes. “I’d love for John Fetterman to have, like, good gainful employment. Maybe he could be, like, a bag guy at a grocery store.”
For many years, the eldest Trump lad also had a not-so-secret weapon: his erstwhile fiancée, Kimberly Guilfoyle, who served quite literally as his megaphone. Few can forget—though many have tried—her performance at the 2020 Republican National Convention, where she attempted to exceed the decibels produced by both Godzilla and Megalon. “THE BEST—IS YET—TO COME!” she roared, shattering the nation’s windows and stemware.
All of these unhinged antics have resulted in the near-total eclipse of poor Eric, who at times seems to vie with Tiffany for the title of Forgotten Trump. Even when meme-makers reimagine the Trump bros as Beavis and Butt-Head, they cast Don Jr. as the alpha Butt-Head and Eric as the beta Beavis. But this cruel diminution of Eric is an injustice I hope to redress—and not merely because I, too, am, a younger brother. I believe that if Eric is willing to put in the work, he has the raw stupidity necessary to snatch the princely Trump crown from Don Jr.’s cavernous head.
Eric doggy-paddled into my consciousness last week when his dad deployed him as a TV spokesman, presumably because a startled deer was unavailable. He told Fox’s Maria Bartiromo how major banks reacted when he tried to raise $454 million for his father’s bond, stating, “Maria, they were laughing. They were laughing.” I have no reason to doubt Eric’s account, but I fear that he misunderstood the source of the bankers’ merriment: Most likely, they were laughing because he was talking. For when Eric speaks, convulsive howling rings out across the land.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/a-gift-from-andy-borowitz =email
= new reply since forum marked as read
