Welcome to DU!
The truly grassroots left-of-center political community where regular people, not algorithms, drive the discussions and set the standards.
Join the community:
Create a free account
Support DU (and get rid of ads!):
Become a Star Member
Latest Breaking News
Editorials & Other Articles
General Discussion
The DU Lounge
All Forums
Issue Forums
Culture Forums
Alliance Forums
Region Forums
Support Forums
Help & Search
The Borowitz Report: If Other US Wars Had Gone Like Iran
Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/if-other-us-wars-had-gone-like-iran
(Todays' Sunday Read is for paid subscribers only)
Now that the US and Iran have signed a “memorandum of understanding,” it’s a good time to ask: what has Trump’s war accomplished?
There are two schools of thought. The Trump administration and MAGA loyalists insist that the war was an unmitigated triumph. The rest of the country (and the world) believe the war was a humiliating dumpster fire that has permanently tarnished America’s reputation.
In the interest of fairness, TBR has conducted a rigorous analysis of other American conflicts in order to objectively determine how the Iran war stacks up. Below are the White House press statements we believe this administration would have issued if Trump had presided over those wars:
The Revolutionary War
The Continental Army (the greatest militia in the world!) fought valiantly at the Battle of Yorktown and achieved TOTAL VICTORY over the British Army. Sure, George Washington was captured five minutes into the battle. And sure, we had to give up twelve of the thirteen colonies to get him back. But the United State of Delaware (by far the best colony) is now a FULLY INDEPENDENT nation.
The War of 1812
After starting the war with British Canada two years ago, the United States has now annexed the entire Canadian territory. The new unified country will officially be known as Canada, the capital will be Ottawa, and King George will be on all of our currency. But, other than that, the British completely capitulated.
The Civil War
Negotiations between the Union and the Confederacy are going extremely well and we are very close to striking a deal with the confederates to end this war. The only small detail left to work out is whether slavery should be legal or not.
World War I
We successfully took out Franz Ferdinand (VERY BAD GUY!), which started the first-ever global war. In response, the German Empire has blockaded the English Channel and is charging 2 million Marks per ship to cross. But, since we don’t see Germany getting any more powerful in the coming decades, we’re content to leave the situation as-is.
World War 2
We’re writing from peace talk headquarters in New Dusseldorf (formerly known as New York City) with great news -- World War 2 is over! After thirty years, the allies and the axis powers have agreed to stop fighting. Negotiations with Hitler Jr. are still ongoing, but we’re confident that the Nazi-occupied territory east of the Mississippi, and the Japanese-occupied territory west of the Mississippi will be returned to the United States soon enough....
- more at link -
There are two schools of thought. The Trump administration and MAGA loyalists insist that the war was an unmitigated triumph. The rest of the country (and the world) believe the war was a humiliating dumpster fire that has permanently tarnished America’s reputation.
In the interest of fairness, TBR has conducted a rigorous analysis of other American conflicts in order to objectively determine how the Iran war stacks up. Below are the White House press statements we believe this administration would have issued if Trump had presided over those wars:
The Revolutionary War
The Continental Army (the greatest militia in the world!) fought valiantly at the Battle of Yorktown and achieved TOTAL VICTORY over the British Army. Sure, George Washington was captured five minutes into the battle. And sure, we had to give up twelve of the thirteen colonies to get him back. But the United State of Delaware (by far the best colony) is now a FULLY INDEPENDENT nation.
The War of 1812
After starting the war with British Canada two years ago, the United States has now annexed the entire Canadian territory. The new unified country will officially be known as Canada, the capital will be Ottawa, and King George will be on all of our currency. But, other than that, the British completely capitulated.
The Civil War
Negotiations between the Union and the Confederacy are going extremely well and we are very close to striking a deal with the confederates to end this war. The only small detail left to work out is whether slavery should be legal or not.
World War I
We successfully took out Franz Ferdinand (VERY BAD GUY!), which started the first-ever global war. In response, the German Empire has blockaded the English Channel and is charging 2 million Marks per ship to cross. But, since we don’t see Germany getting any more powerful in the coming decades, we’re content to leave the situation as-is.
World War 2
We’re writing from peace talk headquarters in New Dusseldorf (formerly known as New York City) with great news -- World War 2 is over! After thirty years, the allies and the axis powers have agreed to stop fighting. Negotiations with Hitler Jr. are still ongoing, but we’re confident that the Nazi-occupied territory east of the Mississippi, and the Japanese-occupied territory west of the Mississippi will be returned to the United States soon enough....
