PLEASE. I need some cooking help. Please hurry.

[LuckyCharms]

I'm not exactly what you would call a "cook".

I've been tasked with cooking Thanksgiving dinner.

I just went to Wegmans and got the last turkey they had. It's 17 pounds.

Dinner is in 90 minutes.

How do I cook this thing? Boil it, or what?

What I I do with this stuff it is wrapped in? Do I just boil the whole thing with the wrapper on, or do I remove the wrapper?

I don't have any stuffing in the house, but I do have some saltines, and...mayonnaise. I have some mayonnaise in the fridge. I will try to use that to make some stuffing, but I'm not sure how long I have to boil that? Do I boil the saltines only and add the mayonnaise afterwards? Or do I boil the mayonnaise too?

I neglected to buy dessert, but I do have some salted peanuts. Can I somehow make a dessert out of them? Maybe if I boil them somehow?

Please, hurry.

Thank you in advance.

[XanaDUer2]

1. Lol, happy thanksgiving

[MiHale]

2. Microwave on high for half hour...

No thawing required. Stuff with what’s stuck on the sides of the microwave. One appliance…little cleanup.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[kerouac2]

3. Sorry, you're kinda screwed on the bird

17 lbs takes longer than 90 mins.

Would take about 4-5 hours at 350. If unstuffed

You could cut it up, like cut off the breasts, and roast them alone and it should take less time.

[Permanut]

4. I'm gonna go with boiling everything..

and since time is short, just boil them all together.

I was a cook in the Navy, so I know a thing or two about boiling stuff. Of course, that was 50 years ago, so I might not be remembering right.

[Bobstandard]

9. I'm pretty sure I ate in your mess

Your recipe sounds awfully familiar

[Permanut]

11. Hey, that's why they called it a mess.

[mopinko]

14. lol. my late, ex fil was a navy cook.

went on to cook in a hospital cafeteria. sounds about right.
was just reminding my ex that he grew to b a great cook, after thinking a boiled cornish hen, overcooked broccoli and instant mashers w a soup-base gravy was a dandy meal when we met.
dont miss him often, but i sure do today.

[Permanut]

15. Good to remember..

The man, maybe not so much the food.

[mopinko]

19. well, he was quite a piece of work.

affable, good guy to most ppl. but on a mission to drive his poor wife around the bend, but make it look like the other way around.
sorta blame him for how my marriage turned out.

[Irish_Dem]

28. Only the Navy would cook everything in water.

[Permanut]

29. I made jello in a 10 gallon washtub and stirred it with a boat oar.

[Irish_Dem]

31. Good God

Sounds like the navy. Everything is big and lots of it.

I was an USAF kid, we lived on AF bases.
One time we were stationed overseas next to a Navy/Marine base.
We went over to check out the Navy BX and were shocked.

They had so much stuff for sale, all of it huge, large and tons of products.

The USAF BX was small in size, limited products, which were on the small side.

I complained to my Dad, active duty USAF and he said the Navy can spoil the families.
They bring everything over in large ships. The AF has to bring it over in small planes.
Large cargo planes are in use for missions, not bringing junk over to military families.

So the AF kids shopped at the Navy BX, I think they called it a PX. And we even bought navy uniforms to wear around the house. The white hats and bell bottoms. We loved them.
It was during the Viet Nam war, the men were always gone flying missions, no one cared what AF kids did or wore.

[Permanut]

32. I was on a tin can, had 400 guys to feed.

[Irish_Dem]

33. My brother spent a lot of time on ships and said the cook makes or breaks the ship.

He was an underwater welding engineer and lived on ships for a big chunk of his career.
Not huge like you are talking about.
But sizable civilian crews.

He said a bad cook would make every one quit and look for other jobs.
A good cook kept all the guys onboard and looking forward to meals each day.

Of course Navy crews cannot not up and quit.

ETA I like the part where you stirred the jello with an oar.

[FarPoint]

5. I sense you are joking....

But, if someone is ever in a pinch and has an Instant Pot....one can do a turkey breast/ bone in.... in about 90 minutes.... Here is my favorite link..


..

[getagrip_already]

6. I could do that... for real homey...

I know this is a joke, but what i'd do is tear the breasts of, cube them into kebobs, and grill them.

The wings, thighs and legs could be thrown into an instant pot or paired to the bone and the meat sauted into something spicy.

Ez peazy.

Just not a whole bird.

Sides would.be whatever is in my pantry. Maybe even just turkey stew with bread.

[Ptah]

8. One word - flamethrower.

[Niagara]

18. OMG! Is that thing legal?

I want one!

[ProfessorGAC]

21. Bad Plan!

No way to get the smell of the gas put of the turkey.
A propane torch is a much better approach!

[dem4decades]

10. Spatchcock that sucker

Oh and lots of appetizers.

[getagrip_already]

20. Still gonna take 3 hours or so....

Which although half the time of baking a whole turkey, is still way more than 90 minutes.

[dem4decades]

25. That's why I suggested a lot of appetizers, to fill the time, and the guests.

[fierywoman]

35. ... and grill it.

[Emile]

12. Boy am I glad that I wasn't invited to your dinner 😅.

[niyad]

13. Domino's Pizza emergency number 800-252-4031. Hope this helps,

[electric_blue68]

30. Do they have Turkey Pizza?

😄 😉

[Figarosmom]

16. Good luck

U think you should order out I'm sure pizza would be better

[rsdsharp]

17. That reminds me of the New Year's Day where my noncooking roommates invited guests for a turkey dinner.

I had worked the midnight to 6AM shift on the air, came home and went to bed. I got up to pee at about 1:30 and my roommate asked when I was gunna start cooking dinner. “What dinner?” The turkey was frozen, we had no veggies, no potatoes, and nothing for dressing. On New Year’s Day.

Sides were whatever we could scrounge at Quick Trip, and it turns out you can successfully cook a partially thawed turkey at 500°!

[eppur_se_muova]

22. Peter Griffin, is that you ? nt

[Harker]

23. Is it too late to help out?

Happy Thanksgiving, Lucky.

[True Dough]

24. Too late for this year,

but here's your solution for next Thanksgiving, Lucky:

[Irish_Dem]

26. You could leave town.

Don't come back until Xmas.

[Elessar Zappa]

27. I love boiled mayo stuffing!

Can I come over next year?

[SWBTATTReg]

34. Better off getting chicken of some kind, or just forgo the whole thing, don't give people food poisoning, get some sides

for chicken such as mashed potatoes, green beans, perhaps simple stuffing, get some canned cranberry sauce and get it chilled out quickly (stick it in the freezer for 30 minutes or so). The green beans and mashed potatoes, there are quick mixes you can get, the stuffing the same way, but I like my stuffing w/ some of the turkey goods (giblets, liver, etc. all chopped up, they give the dressing it's kick).