Need a laugh! What's your favorite joke

[Sun-Moon]

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?

Nacho cheese.

[sorcrow]

1. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Regards,
Sorghum Crow

[Diamond_Dog]

2. Here's one from Bennet Cerf. Why is a pig's tail like getting up at 3 am?

>
>
>
>

It’s twirly.

( too early)

[Chipper Chat]

3. How does a bee brush its hair?

With a honey comb.

[cachukis]

4. Did you hear about the fire in the circus?

The heat was in tents.

[EverHopeful]

5. Q: How many particles in a mole?

A: Avogadro's number.

Q: How many particles in a guacamole?
A: Avocado's number.

At one point, my cousin said I was never allowed to tell that joke again because I laughed so hard I could barely get it out, and when finally I did, nobody thought it was funny.

[Sun-Moon]

8. HA!

I too was told I shouldn’t tell jokes..

[happybird]

6. Did you know milk travels at light speed?

Yep. It's pasteurized before you know it.

That's my fav short one.
My fav joke is too long to get into here and works better in person.

[LuckyCharms]

7. 3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

[ProfessorGAC]

9. Made Me Laugh Oug Loud

The dog is looking at me like I'm nuts!

[ProfessorGAC]

10. Two Golfers' Jokez

Short one:

Guy has home from playing golf his wife asks "How did golf go?" He says "Terrible. Jack had a heart attack on the 2nd hole." Wife says "That's awful." He says "Yeah, the whole day was hit ball, drag Jack, hit ball drag Jack..."

Longer one:

Husband & wife are playing golf together. On a later par 5, he hits a drive into the right rough. When they get to the ball his wife notices that if they open big doors to an old barn, he could hit the ball through there and get to the green in 2. He says "What the heck, let's try it."
So he opens the big door, she opens the one on the other side, the backs away into the barn. He hits a screamer that hits the door frame, and Carmen's into his wife's head, killing her.
He obviously feels sad & Terrible so he gives up the game.
Many years later, over tge guilt & grief, he meets a woman who plays golf. He decides he can play again.
On a similar course, the exact same scenario presents itself.
His new wife says "You know, I think if we opened the doors to that barn, you can reach the green in 2."
He says "No way. The last time I tried that I made a 9."

[JoseBalow]

11. Kid asks dad where babies come from... "The stork brings them," says dad.

"Yeah," says the kid. "But who fucks the stork?"

[Aristus]

12. A priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman walk in to a bar.

The bartender says: “What is this? A joke?”

[AllaN01Bear]

13. lol.

[LogDog75]

14. Three men walk into a bar....

...the fourth man ducks.