Negging

[ZenLefty]

http://xkcd.com/1027/

Never heard this term until now. I'm sure I've done something like that accidentally (I'll say "Oh, those are cute eyeglasses you're wearing!" and I don't know that the person I'm talking to hates those eyeglasses and feels totally self conscious wearing them). But deliberately? For the sole intent of making someone more receptive to praise and advances? That's low.

Neggers, take the advice above. Just talk to them like a fucking human being.

[dipsydoodle]

1. btw - thats not a gendre related word

neg comments can be like why didn't buy the roadster instead of the hard top for example.

[REP]

4. And I always take coupe v roadster question seriously!

And not wanting to inadvertently insult a possible Roadster owner, I don't say, "because they look like crap" right off the bat, I detail the differences in the options between my GT and a Roadster. I am perhaps too literal-minded. Or maybe I just like my car too much.

[dipsydoodle]

6. That was just a gender neutral example

Negg, suss, diss etc are just general street slang for almost anything.

Neggs are general put downs intended broadly speaking to subtley piss someone off.

[REP]

7. I can be spectacularly oblivious

And on occasion, someone (usually a driver of a ... less interesting car than mine) will be really obvious about trash-talking my car, and that just makes me laugh.

Like the other day, when a couple of dudes were discussing my outfit du jour (apparently, my jeans didn't meet their standards), it made me think how lucky I was wearing something that would keep them the fuck away from me.

[dipsydoodle]

8. Jeans.....lol

Well I can't imagine what they'd make of what a lot of my girlfriends wear - the girls/ladies who are into 40's/50's music. I'm a bloke so dress more like the guy here when I go out dancing - gaberdine rules.

http://www.morellos.co.uk/item/prod/la-riviera-womens-jeans-%28-%29-red-stitching/322/

btw - since I've been picked up on it before "girls" is an affectionate term here in the UK : not age related, patronising or demeaning in any way. Since I'm 68 going on 19 , I'm forever in 1962 , most of my friends are younger than me anyway.

[REP]

9. Those are CUTE!

(what she's wearing; he looks sharp, too) And rockabilly forever. And psychobilly. Actually, I'm pretty music-friendly

I'm bi-lingual; I know both American and British English - and I even find myself using "girl" in the US-sense for some of my friends, in their 20s; at less than half my age, I forget my manners!

[zazen]

2. I wish I had understood this as a young woman

We didn't have a name for this 25 years ago, and it took an unusually strong woman to weather the constant stream of hostility from strange men. Even the benign ones did the "why are you so sad? "Why don't you lighten up?" "Why are you here alone?" "Why do you have that pretty head stuck in a book?". . . and those were the nicer ones.

One guy, who kept trying to pick me up with this whole he was an oppressed Native American schtick and I needed to be nice to him because of it, and whom I CALLED on his tactic, then proceeded to suggest in front of group of 20 people that I had blood on the back of my skirt (like, I had period stains). Which was preposterous. But that's how evil these f**kers are. But by then I had learned to get under their skin.

Daughters need to be prepared to understand how predatory men can be, and decent men need to grasp it too. Some of the guys I know now were floored to learn how their fellow men actually behaved with women. Back then, we weren't allowed to talk about harrassment. You were either a whiner or stuck-up (because to complain about predatory attention sounded like braggin) or asking for it.

I'm glad for my daughters' and other women's sakes that it's now much more out in the open.

[REP]

5. My approach was pretty blunt and inelegant

I remember putting a cigarette out on the hand of at least one guy who was a little too in my face.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

10. Do you think maybe some men (and maybe even women) need social skills? :)

I think maybe a Swiss finishing school for everyone, men and women, might help. lol

[MisterP]

3. Neil Strauss was great on this--lots of narcissists and Randroids around that community

[stevenleser]

11. A recent movie made this popular. It just seems dumb to me.

I've always been of the (outstretched hand), "Hi, I'm Steve..." variety when wanting to meet people, i.e. talk to them like an effing human being. Thats regardless of who I was meeting.

[gkhouston]

12. Why would I waste my time hanging around someone who tries to make me feel bad about myself?

[MadrasT]

13. If you are raised by parents who continually do this...

When you grow up you don't have any way of knowing it isn't normal. You actually believe you are defective and that other people like this are giving you accurate feedback (not just being jerks).

[stevenleser]

14. Do you think there is a significant percentage of women who are vulnerable to this?

Maybe I am naiive, but I cannot imagine this working ever. The type of person (male or female) on whom this would work would have to have such a low self esteem that any kind of attention would work thus negating the need to try something ugly and deceptive.

Or am I overanalyzing this, naiive or both?

[MadrasT]

15. I don't know how significant the number is.

The type of person (male or female) on whom this would work would have to have such a low self esteem that any kind of attention would work thus negating the need to try something ugly and deceptive.

The reason folks with low self-esteem respond to negative attention (rather than positive) is because it is the relationship dynamic they are used to, so it feels "normal" to them and they (unconsciously) seek it out because it feels familiar.

On the other side of the relationship dynamic, people who are predisposed to wanting to control another person using this methodology are drawn to people who respond to this kind of negative treatment, thus perpetuating the cycle.

This is a relationship dynamic I am extremely familiar with and I know a lot about the psychology that goes with this behavior as I have done a lot of research and work in this area.

So yes, this behavior absolutely "works" and exists in the real world.

I have also learned that if someone personally has normal-to-high self esteem, it can be very hard for them to comprehend the kind of mental anguish and unusual thought processes and behaviors and coping mechanisms that a person with low self-esteem experiences as reality. A rational person with normal-to-high self esteem looks at this and goes "WTF? Who would put up with this nonsense and WHY?" I get that.

So if you (Steven) personally have normal-to-high self esteem, I can understand that it might be incomprehensible to you as it is so foreign to your own way of being. (That is NOT meant to be any kind of "jab" or sarcastic remark, I am just trying to frame why this might seem hard to imagine to you or others!!!)

I don't know how "common" it is but I have definitely seen it "work" in the wild. It may indeed be minimal, but it is really out there.

[Neoma]

16. I've seen these women a lot.

I've seen them fighting off depression/anxiety at psychward, NAMI, and outpatient. Given that women are more susceptible to depression than men are, it's not very surprising to consider that aspect.

Usually these women were molested, abused verbally and physically, made to do horrible things... Or they've seen too many injuries/deaths/suicides. Depression has some genetic aspects to it as well, so low self-esteem can come with your brain's programming. (Programming might not be the right word, but I recently watched the Matrix trilogy again...)

Oh right, might want to mention that people usually don't seek help for this sort of thing. Our culture is still very much the "Just deal with it." culture. Related to "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."

[Blue_Tires]

17. +1