Had a surprise visit from my son this past week

[Rorey]

I hadn't seen him in a little over three years, and on Tuesday, while I was out, he called and said he and his girlfriend were standing on my porch. I don't really like surprises, but of course any of my family is always welcome at my house.

So, he left today. He was here four nights and drank four magnums of wine - one each night. He's been doing this for years. He's an adult, so he can make his own decisions. He has told me in the past that he only drinks wine, so it won't hurt him (his opinion). Of course I know better. Also, btw, I know that the magnum bottles were just for him. His girlfriend drank a regular-sized bottle each night.

My other adult kids all commented that their brother is swollen. I noticed right away that his abdomen is protruding. I know there's nothing I can do. In the past I've pretty much begged him to at least cut back, and he won't. I finally accepted that it does no good to beg. The nightly consumption isn't just when he's on vacation. He freely admits that he does it every night. He has held the same job for a long time, but he also gets injured a lot, and it's no mystery why that happens.

So all I can do is sit by while my son slowly kills himself. I'll always love him, as I do all of my family, but this is tough.

[vanlassie]

1. I'm so sorry. 😢😘

[Rorey]

2. Thank you

I know the day will come when I'll get a call that he's in the hospital with some sort of self-induced organ failure, or that he's dead. I used to be so angry that he was doing this to himself, but now I'm just very sad.

[vanlassie]

3. It's good to share and acknowledge. Sigh. Take care.

[brush]

4. Hope it's at least red wine. They have healthy anti-dioxidants

A magnum a night is overdoing it though.

[Rorey]

5. It's red

It's frustrating, too, that he always spends so much of the time that he visits either drunk or hung over. In the past that has been a point of contention, but I didn't allow myself to take any negative tone with him on this visit. In spite of everything, this visit was better than those in years past because I controlled my own attitude. He lives 1400 miles away, so I don't get see him often enough, and I decided that I don't want any precious time with him to turn into a fight.

[MLAA]

6. After many years my sister finally accepted my help.

After 25 years of being a ‘functional’ alcoholic she spiraled out of control after retiring and suffering the loss of her boyfriend and dog within a year.

Finally she agreed she needed help. She has been sober (as far as I know) for nearly 2 years. You just never know if/when they will be open for help. She had to really hit rock bottom.

💕💕💖💖💖

[Rorey]

8. My daughter is also an alcoholic

Like your sister, she has been dry for about two years. Her doctor told her she was going to die if she didn't stop. She had a few slips when she first started trying to quit, but now seems to be doing well. She told me today that she wanted so badly to tell her brother the things that she now knows, but she knows he won't listen.

I don't know what "rock bottom" is. To me, it's just a step above death. My daughter came pretty close multiple times. Something finally got through to her.

[MLAA]

10. It sure is an insidious disease💕

[Rorey]

11. I corrected my post

I meant to say "brother", not "son".

On a good note, my daughter's son is 20 years old now, and because of what he experienced with his mom's addiction to alcohol, he lives a clean life. No drinking or drugs. I'm so proud of him.

[GPV]

7. I'm so sorry

[Rorey]

9. I still hold out hope that he'll turn things around

Begging and nagging didn't help, so I'm just going to love him.

[GPV]

12. I share your hope

[viva la]

13. Something which is "unAmerican" because it isn't extreme and doesn't force "abstinence"

Is the Sinclair method (used in the ultra-sensible Nordic states).

It uses a common drug (naltrexone) which is known to stop cravings. You take it and gradually stop craving much alcohol. People really wane themselves off alcohol while still being able to have a glass at dinner or out with friends.

You might read about it here, and suggest that he consider it. He has to of course think it would be good to cut back. But there's a real relief in hearing, "You don't have to go cold turkey. You don't have to abstain."

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/04/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/

[Rorey]

14. Thank you. I have heard of it.

He has no desire to quit, or even cut back, at this point. Maybe he'll feel differently at some point.

Thank you.

[viva la]

15. It might be just one more accident that makes him think...

When the only "accepted" alternative is total abstinence, a lot of people will balk. I have a friend who is a chef, and drinking isn't just social for him. He needs to be able to taste wine to recommend it and cook with it.

In that case, the Sinclair method lets them choose when and why to drink, and how to stop.

It just seems more sensible, and also means drinking too much isn't presented as a moral flaw.

This also supposedly works with carbohydrate craving, which is a more common problem!

[Rhiannon12866]

19. If you notice, the DUer on the thread just below is taking it and posted about it

[Karadeniz]

16. I'm glad he turned up, if only so you might be able to keep track of how he's doing.

[Rorey]

17. He's very open to me about his drinking

He has lived in the same place for quite a few years, and has somehow been able to keep the same job. He sort of keeps separate from his siblings, but he calls me every month or so.

I take what I can get, and don't push anything with him.

[flotsam2]

18. Your situation sucks

and the most likely outcome is institutionalization, hospitalization, or worse. Just keep the thought that for him, your love might be his sole bright spot, the single best thing he has. The outcome is on him, but part of his journey is on you.

[bif]

20. It's only wine, eh? Reminds me of an amusing story I heard about Sinclair Lewis

He was a raging alcoholic. His doctor told him it would kill him if he didn't stop drinking So he said, "What if I just drink beer?" His doctor said okay. So he proceeded to drink a case a day! It killed him, of course.