BREAKTHROUGH

[no_hypocrisy]

Better late than never.

I had a revelation last week-end: my sister is a narcissist, possibly a malignant narcissist.

I don't know how I've missed this. 64 years and in front of me and I didn't make the connection.

Both our parents were narcissists. My therapist opined that my stories reflected that our parents were narcissists.

I started watching a variety of youtubes about narcissists and I was practically yelling and pointing at the screen.

This is what the precipitating event was: My sister was irrationally enraged (again). She had planned to have our brother and me join her at her home in the Hamptons for her birthday. But it was more than her birthday. We haven't been together since the Thanksgiving the same year our father passed, nine years. Plus it's about the time our mother passed 20 years ago. So the get-together was significant. My sister insisted that I demand that our cousin who posted on my FB post (my page) delete his post. His post said in essence our family was dysfunctional, and it was and still is. I refused to accede to her demand, and confirmed his opinion was spot on. She then un-invited me for that week-end. And immediately called our brother, looking for support.

I stopped responding to her texts that evening, remaining detached and not engaging with her. I realized that I just had had enough. The AA thing of when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I made a list this morning and there is a decided pattern. She's sabotaged two of my graduations. She's hyped up my parents who then turned on me. I was literally routed out of my childhood home on my 30th birthday, celebrating the same.

Oh, there's more.

She's left me a voicemail, "apologizing," but it's not really an apology as she believes she did the right thing.

When you choose peace, it comes with a lot of goodbyes.

I don't need this. I never did.

There's a strong chance that for my own peace, I don't have further contact with her. I can't change her and she's just . . . . toxic.

[MLAA]

1. That is a wonderful breakthrough! Yeah, you are taking care of you and not allowing your sister

to make you feel badly. Congratulations!

[captain queeg]

2. I had a brother who used to drive me crazy for somewhat different reasons.

I told him repeatedly to quit it and finally I had enough and told him this was his last warning before I completely cut him off. To his credit he pretty much stopped, finally. I was waiting for him to forget about it but he actually behaved himself for the last year he was alive. I’m glad I at least got along at the end of his life.

[Quakerfriend]

3. I agree..... She's just toxic. So very sorry

you have had to deal with this!

You are so admired and appreciated for your clear & rational thought here on DU!

I hope you can find a peaceful resting spot with your siblings soon- if not your sister, at least your brother.

I have found that narcissistic siblings seem to want to keep on bringing the “fight”- Particularly the females..,
Try to hold them in loving light despite it all.

[2naSalit]

4. Congrats...

A painful yet liberating realization. I have had to end several toxic relationships in my immediate family over the decades, including my own mother.

You will find, as time goes on, that you are more comfortable with yourself and feel much better, especially about yourself.

[OMGWTF]

19. My narc mother finally drove me to see a therapist after she sabotaged a two-year project.

The therapist told me three things in our first meeting that changed my entire attitude. She said:

1. Separate the facts from your feelings about the facts. Be clinical and not emotional.

2. Stay out of people's heads. You can't ever be sure what motivates someone to do what they do.

3. Allow time to grieve the loss of the relationship. You have to end it. People rarely get better.

[2naSalit]

20. All very...

Helpful and good points!

[marble falls]

5. The only person you have to live with it is you.

[blm]

6. I feel ya, no_

[Katcat]

7. Happy Belated Breakthrough!

I know the feeling, I’ve had to do the same with my sister. Talking to her had become nothing but a grievance fest. At any given time one of the family was in her bad graces even if they never knew it. She LOVED to moan and complain to me and I’d finally had enough after she and her husband told our brother that they were tired of taking him to his cancer treatments. He wasn’t perfect, had been in trouble with the law but they were supposedly the best Christian’s in the world. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 I rolled my eyes so much with them!

[TeamProg]

8. You can still acknowledge her and even listen to her, just don't put

too much weight into what she’s saying- like Trumpers that you don’t know. You don’t THEM bother you, right?

You can stay in touch if you let the nonsense pass through you.

[OldBaldy1701E]

25. Don't you think that this is just going to 'enable' her to be even more narcissistic?

I would say cut her out entirely. Maybe then she might understand what is going on. Doubtful, as narcissist seldom understand what the word means...

[dlk]

9. Congratulations! You've made a tremendous breakthrough!

Narcissists and especially malignant narcissists will destroy your life without a second thought. They thrive on drama and conflict. Taking a “gray rock” approach will save your sanity. Good luck.

[FailureToCommunicate]

10. Some folks...

[SouthernDem4ever]

11. Wow, you really put with a lot for a long time

We left family members like that behind and never looked back. There is no use causing yourself stress and pain. I know we place importance on family ties but some of them are just too weird to worry about.

[fierywoman]

12. Dr Ramani on youtube got me to understand things (I realized at 68, don't feel bad!)

[Scrivener7]

24. She's wonderful. Taught me exactly what I needed to learn. Also Joanna Kujath.

[moniss]

13. Many years ago

I was told by a therapist that, for my own sake, I should think of myself as an orphan. That took a long time to sink in but I get where he was coming from. They all raised you to use you. As hard as it is you need to stop thinking of their existence and about them at all and just go on. Somehow. Like an orphan. It's like something I read long ago about knowing what it is like to be around people but to always be alone. So years after you will have what is your life that you have built and that life will sustain you and it is not one filled with manipulation. Just you, the goodness of your heart, the kindness to other people and one foot in front of the other always moving further into being a survivor. It's a good place to be. Peace be with you.

[alittlelark]

14. GOOD FOR YOU !!

I started figuring it out 12 years ago when it went from bad to Warfare. No Contact with Malignant narc sis for 10 calm years. Grey rock with mother.

You will likely watch vids for a few years (seriously). A podcast called 'Narcissist Apocalypse' is also cathartic. I ended up going to Peru to participate in ayahuasca ceremonies that Really helped to rid myself of 50 years of toxicity.

[Warpy]

15. Keep up with the therapy

Your outlook will change radically once you've disconnected all the buttons she likes to push. When they don't work any more, you can laugh it off and you can find it more tolerable to be around her than she will find it around you. She'll never stop pressing those buttons, they just won't work any more.

I know because of the absolute freak show that spawned me. Eventually I got those buttons disconnected.

Some of the skills will come from Bill's friends. Some will come from therapy. Recognizing what they are and how they got there is half the battle.

I hope your brother isn't as bonkers as your sister is, it sounds like it would be nice to see him even if your sister is flying around on her broomstick.

[Joe Nation]

16. You're talking about my wife's sister here with one difference

I knew she was a malignant narcissist from the very beginning, and she's still raging her demands and sowing chaos at any family occasion or phone call. They don't suddenly change.

[MontanaMama]

17. Keep going. Keep moving forward.

I also had a narcissist for a mother…and a full on psychopath as a brother. Boundaries are necessary to survive these people. My money is on you.

[AZLD4Candidate]

18. My aunt. My brother. My father.

All the same.

Made me apologize for breathing.

My father even attacked me for making him feel bad when I attempted suicide. Why didn't I think of him and how he'd react?

[stillspkg]

21. Painful Realization

Painful realization. I think it's like leaving an abusive partner because the whole thing about thinking they own you has this weird intimacy to it. They feel entitled to tell you whatever and however because you are an extension of them- you are not allowed independent thoughts, feelings, or boundaries. I went through this with my sister and my right hand person at my job when she found out I was retiring.

Then there's the multi-whammy when of significant occasions, or when the person also has bi-polar disorder.

You've done the right thing and yet what makes the grieving so hard is that everyone needs family, and also that she is doing something no one will likely confront her about.

It helps me to remember this is who they are right now, and maybe forever. People who burn bridges and have NPD can't admit they did something horrible which is why they don't get help.

I'm recovering and will keep you in my heart as you begin

[PurgedVoter]

22. Be careful if you get back into contact

A narcissist will expect you to keep anything given in confidence to remain private. Expect that anything you say or share can and will be used against you. So share nothing. Do not mention anyone else in the family for any reason.

Bless whatever you can credit with the blessing, for your having escaped the curse of narcissism. I destroys people. I have a brother I love dearly, but I fear the part of him that I love is being destroyed by the monster within. He could be so wise, yet now he has gone against everything he once stood for. The monster was always there in him, but at one time I thought he would be able to control it instead of it being the other way around.

[live love laugh]

23. Wow: " When you choose peace, it comes with a lot of goodbyes."

So very true.