Big morning, tears in my coffee...therapy at noon...

[FirstLight]

I finally reached out to my other kid, the one who I had so many issues with as a teen and basically kicked out of the house when he was 19. We'd been doing better, before the horrific bitch that tried to kill me cut me off from both of my children...

Anyway, I wrote him an email about 2000 words...explained everything. Also told him to please please get help for his own trauma that I caused and that our body chemistry is so similar that he should get meds and aviod alcohol at all costs... He had shared through a mutual friend he got the dreaded Psoriatic Arthritis diagnosis, which I suspect also plays a part in our adhd and addiction issues.

I told him I wanted to make connection but that we all need to work on our own stuff and heal separately, hopefully we can come together again, I miss US. I apologized for the cycle of abuse and trauma that I had imprinted in my psyche and my behavior as a mom growing up. I also said that since we have a history of verbal abuse between us that email helps us keep a little distance...because I am deep in trauma therapy and need to be safe with my own self.

I cried in my coffee, and told him I have a new lease on life, and that I could have died and nobody would have even known. And I want to make sure that I use the rest of thihs life to heal our family's cycles as best I can.

I have therapy appt at noon...so much has happened in my journey in just this week. I'm still SO emotionally wobbly. I know I am making progress and having some real positive results with myself...but I also know that I hit depression HARD over thanksgiving for 2 days and need to confront that as well.

Thanks for being here, letting kme vent and share as usual. It helps me process my own inner thoughts to write it down as well. (I have a journal, too!)

[Hope22]

1. Thinking of you.

I hope your session goes well. Love to you. 💗🙏🏼

[XanaDUer2]

2. Take care

[Permanut]

3. Vent away, First light, I can relate..

in some small way to what you are saying. I have reached out to disconnected family members, and heard nothing back.

A counselor from years ago suggested that writing is a great tool for processing the emotional, well, I call it baggage, that we carry.

He said that it could be helpful to write, even if I just discard the paper when I'm done - but if I send it to someone, it's like putting it in a bottle and throwing it in the ocean; it might get a response and it might not.

I don't presume to walk a mile in your shoes; every story is different. Just my two cents.

[FirstLight]

4. That's what I expect with my oldest...we've been estranged for many years,

His wife hated me and I have 2 grandkids I never met. He's 30 now.

I was just saying to myself that he's "next"...and whether it helps or not it is the process and the making amends that counts. Not whether he takes it or not. I feel like I barely know him now. He's 10 years older than the other 2, half-siblings...and hated them because of their father being such an asshole. I th8ink he blamed me for that whole debaucle, when I left my ex, he was a very angry 13 year old and I had 2 babies I had to try to deal with...so my own trauma healing was put on the back burner for survival. I tried to get him "help" through many outlets, but the damage was done and I dont think we ever got back to where we were before...

But I will send him a christmas card and tell him I'm working on shit and let it go...

[Clouds Passing]

5. You are so brave FirstLight! You are courageous

to admit that your issues with addiction has to do with your children’s addictions. That is the startline to your own healing and theirs.

Today is my 22nd anniversary of sobriety from alcohol. But my sobriety wasn’t soon enough for my son. He died from a drug overdose. So my anniversary, which should be an event of pride is bittersweet.

My most sincere piece of advice to you is to heal your relationship with your son while you can

[wendyb-NC]

6. I hope you will begin to feel better

Mental Health diagnoses, can be as, if not more debilitating and challenging as physical ones. You are doing the right things to move yourself in a better place psychologically.

Take care of yourself, physically, mentally and spiritually.
You deserve to be steady and empowered, and do the things you want to, toward healing you and your loved one's grievances from the past.

May you find the steadfast and unwavering inspiration, and compassion toward yourself and them, so you work together, forgive the human shortcomings to accomplish this. May you have meaningful times together and each as individuals. Peace.

[get the red out]

7. You are a good person

That you can own your stuff is beautiful. Let others have their stuff too, which you are doing.

Best wishes for your healing.

[FirstLight]

8. Welll.... Fuck.

Another monster therapy session I've got a migraine from crying. I just drank a quart of water I swear and I'm going to lay down in a minute.

My son emailed back. And he loves me and misses me and all of the above. But he is not doing well and is in a really bad situation and his girlfriend is pregnant and they're going to have to split up because they can't live together and afford life and he's talking about going back and living with my ex his father even though that man is fucking scary crazy nuts. But Devin seems to think it's the only thing he can do to try to make enough money to support the family that he's creating. I'm heartbroken. I want to help. I want to rescue him and I don't know how to. This life is so cruel right now and this world is so hard and these poor kids can't even afford to get a place to live they've been living in an RV because they can't afford life it's just not fair this world sucks. And I would sell my house and use the money to save them if I could but I can't I just don't know what to do and now it hurts even more knowing that he's not okay 😭

[OldBaldy1701E]

10. That is one of the worst aspects of where I am.

I want to fix it all. I want to be the one who swoops in like the cavalry. I used to be the one who swooped in like the cavalry. Now, I cannot even crawl in and take a bullet for someone because I would be too slow. I can't fix anything anymore. My hands are always hurting. I have all but lost my instrument playing ability. I have not worked a job in eleven years now. I cannot work a job. What can I do?

Cry, I guess. But, I can seldom even do that anymore.

In other words, I can relate.

[Karadeniz]

9. I sure hope everyone gives the other a chance....

[murielm99]

11. Typing some words to you does not seem

like enough. I am glad it helps, though. You are brave. Get well. Stay well.

[FirstLight]

12. It helps! Your message was the first of my morning

I believe in signs...so apparently the Universe wants me to believe in this effort to heal and keep doing so