major nightmare trauma dump last night...and then I cleaned my room today...

[FirstLight]

My abusive ex had just lumped everything from my office and living room things into the bedroom to make room for HER friend who was gonna come and caretake her after surgery (thank god she never came, I would have had two bitches iin my face)...and I came across all my mom's cards and pictures shoved under stuff just willy-nilly. I cried so hard. She just could not *stand* that I had a lovinig family...

My son and gf and baby are staying with me till they get settled out here (they were living in a busted down rv and eating scraps...it was BAD) and my sone heard me screaming in my sleep last night. He helped me wake out of a dream I couldn't swim to the surface of consciousness. And he held me while I sobbed for a good 5 minutes. It still makes me teary because I needed that SO much!

So much emotion today. Crying again.
It's part of releasing what I want to leave behind in 2024 with this last Full Moon... My Birthday being New Year's Day is not lost on me this year. That bitch nearly killed me, I'll be 55 ...and glad to be alive.

Even if the trauma work still sucks.

[Hope22]

1. Sending love to you.

I’m glad your family is there to be with you. 💗💗💗💗🙏🏼💐

[2naSalit]

2. Yikes...

I think the best I can say at this point is that you understand what's going on which is really important.

I hope that your upcoming birthday is a good one. It's good that your son and his gf are there with you, a much better set up for you than the previous one. The purging is important and will be something to pat yourself on the back about, a little, as time goes on.

[IbogaProject]

3. So sorry

Did She hide unopened mail from you? That is an actual crime, no way to enforce it but if you end up in litigation a Judge will want to know about that. They use details like that to sift through the competing stories.

[FirstLight]

4. No... just threw my beloved books, pics, etc in a pile

She knew better than to be that obvious...i was her meal ticket

[niyad]

5. Holding you in love and light on ths Gemini Full Moon, for complete

recovey and healing. I am so very glad that your son and his gf are there for you, as is your DU family.

[FirstLight]

6. ....Had another longer version of not being able to SPEAK dream...

this one wasn't as traumatic in the sense that I didn't wake up screaming. BUT, it was very long and drawn out and there was a lot of recurring moments of not being able to TALK, to ASK FOR HELP, TELL PEOPLE I WAS LOST, etc...

Where the first part of me says the recent trauma of being strangled is the cause (and also not telling anyonoe about my abuseive relationship..and not beinig taken seriously by people when asking for help)

...I can also see the theme being true through much of my life. Since I was the black sheep and always calling out the inconsistencies...being told to NOT say anything was a big way my Mom would have me avoid confrontation with my rageaholic father...Even as an adult, at family functions I was told to "stop being so LOUD"
I guess I have been muzzling myself for much of my life.

How do I continue to learn how to speak my truth? How do I remind mysle to OPEN my mouth when I need to?

This process will be continuing...