How do you accept aging and changing abilities?

[Marthe48]

My friend has had one thing after another in the last year, and it is obvious that she could use some help. I'm going to see her this week, but it is a temporary fix. She said something about giving up autonomy. She has never married or had kids, so maybe that step is harder for her than it is for me.

I'm prepared for what might be ahead for myself and my kids won't have to make difficult choices while they tiptoe around me. But as for my friend, what is a good way to gently guide her toward accepting that her current health situation might be what she has to live with for some time, and giving up some of her personal preferences might be a necessity to get care that she needs? I told her this evening that she will have to find her way, just in that we are aging and we may or may not need help.

We've been friends for over 65 years, and we're both in our early 70's. Any philosophical comments are welcome. I might see something that will help us both.

[Joinfortmill]

1. I'm 75 and things are beginning to happen - as they always do as we age

I'm also very independent and want to remain that way. But, I also try to face reality. My solution is to 'make a plan' as much as I can do that, for any assistance or services I may need. My goal is to age in place in my own little condo until the end. Will that actually happen? I don't know. In my case, my eyesight may be the deal breaker, but I carry on, making my plan and hoping my heart will give out before my eyesight does.

All we can do is give it our best. Make a plan, and live our best lives as long as possible.

Wishing you and your friend all the best.

[surfered]

2. Acceptance is the last stage of grief. Not really any other options.

Just keep on keeping on.

[marybourg]

3. Everyone struggles with that. A bitter joke I read once:

“Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened “.

It’s difficult to accept that just yesterday you moved like a fawn, and now like an elephant. The only thing I’ve noticed, and this may not be your friend’s issue at all, is that I came to acceptance after a few months of diminished ability, but my friend, who lives in Independent Living, and sees some people a decade older than her doing things she can no longer do easily, or at all, is having more of an issue than I am. I am pretty much home-bound and see no one to compare myself to.

I read somewhere, and told my friend:”Comparison is the thief of joy”. She agrees, and tries to remind herself of that. But it’s a struggle. I am just concentrating on making my life as comfortable and stress-free as possible. But I know my children will be there to back me up when things get really tough. Without that ace in the hole, I don’t think I would be as placid as I am. Your friend doesn’t have that to fall back on.

[KarenS]

4. My Husband and I are in our 70s,,,

We have already moved into Senior Apartments (Independent Living). The main reason was meals. I think we are realists. I know we are in the 3rd Act of our lives and want to enjoy it. The cool thing is that there's alot going on here,,,, card games, music, little trips to events and places,,,, We live around 130 other people and we're the young ones

[PikaBlue]

5. Some Thoughts

I am 71 years old. I have no health issues, I am still employed, and I am, as of now, totally independent. I won't be able to maintain that status forever and I have plans in place, as well as my funeral costs paid in advance. I don't know your friend's geographical location or financial status. Where I am located, we have lovely retirement communities. My mother lived at one until she passed away at 94. She purchased her apartment and lived independently for more than 12 years. In the event that she had been unable to do so, her apartment would have been sold and she would have moved directly to that same retirement community's assisted care accommodations or the more advanced skilled nursing/ hospice care. For someone who is single and, perhaps without other family to provide care, a retirement community may be a practical choice. The retirement community my mother chose had 5 dining rooms, 5 libraries, a beauty salon, restaurants, a church which offered separate services for the more traditional religions, a medical center, EMT team, security guards, pharmacy, bank, and swimming pool were also on site. Shuttles ran multiple times daily to all of the local grocery stores, as well as Target and Wal-Mart. Although I have a daughter living nearby, we have agreed that if and when I am no longer able to live independently, we can decide if I should sell my home and move to the same community. One additional consideration: my mother purchased her apartment. When she passed away, her apartment was sold and was included in our inheritance. Has your friend looked into retirement communities? They come in all price brackets, depending upon the type and scope of amenities and support services they offer. Some communities are more streamlined and offer a small apartment, dining room services, and shuttles. Having a community of other people your own age is a benefit. Too many older people are left in isolation and loneliness.The most essential personal strategy on aging that is fundamental to this last phase of my life, is to believe that there is still room for new experiences, for meeting new people, for growth, and enjoyment, even as my body and mind wind down, or I am beset with health issues that may limit my activities and capabilities. It's a matter of finding living arrangements that will support those goals. I wish you both the very best!

[usonian]

6. I've been by myself for about 10 years, at 75 now.

Still healthy, thank goodness.

But I am in an isolated place, far from even the center of town and the one medical facility. So I do plan to move, hopefully closer to my daughter and her new husband. And at least, closer to people I can befriend, and help at the same time.

I have had the opportunity over these almost 10 years, to observe what I actually do and use most of the time, so downsizing can proceed logically. I'm sorting through things now. My hobbies will thrive anywhere as they always have: piano and photography. I got an electronic keyboard for when my wife was working shifts, and plugged in the headphones. Great sound!

The baby baby grand is from my parents, and I plan to bring it with me wherever it will fit. It is over 100 years old and wonderful. Even if I have limited hours to play it. I'll get a new electronic keyboard when I can't repair the Roland any more. Epoxy will be used tonight.

My faith (I am Buddhist) sustains me and gives me strength and courage. I have always helped others, even at work, and I help myself most when I help others.

I have lived in suburbs all my life except for this recent post-divorce stay. It has been great, especially the photo opportunities living on a ridge with mountain backdrops for sunrises and sunsets. I did have some nice photo expeditions nearer the ocean, in those previous and upcoming years. I have visited my daughter's place right on SF bay, and adjoining a marina and the very very long bay trail system, and got great shorebird, beach, bay, cloud and ocean photos. I did so when I lived nearer the ocean, even as a young person in New England.

But the main thing for me will be to be closer to people. Photos and music are meant to be shared. I do have lots of friends in my group, 50 miles away, but as I say: "we are everywhere, just not so many in the woods"

I joined a thread on Hacker News asking techies to come up with great solutions for seniors, not useless doodads and internet scams.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40951324

I very much look forward to seeing some of those become real, and the ideas I didn't share on the thread, becoming real, especially since my new son in law is a software engineer. So I had a 40 year head start. I don't keep startup hours. I spent a lot of time coming up with real practical ideas, and that may very well be the next phase of my life adventure.


I still stay in touch with my ex, solving tech problems. It's actually very often, because she is good at finding problems, and I am a problem solver. That kind of work is never boring and never done.

So, Saint Peter, don't you call me, because we've got a phone that rolls over to voicemail without ringing.

Fixed it. Don't tell him.

Cheers, everyone.

[LoisB]

7. I fall back on Mickey Rivers:

“Ain't no sense worryin' about the things you got control over, 'cause if you got control over 'em, ain't no sense worryin'. And ain't no sense worryin' about the things you don't got control over, 'cause if you don't got control over 'em, ain't no sense worryin'.”
― Mickey Rivers

[Marthe48]

8. I'll share this with my friend

It might help her with the right now. Thank you.