Seniors
Related: About this forumToday was one shitty day.
Joyce died in June. We were together for 23 years. Her daughter came today to clean out her stuff -- clothing, jewelry toiletries and so forth. Daughter had been putting it off for the same reason I didn't look forward to it. Watching her stuff disappear.
Her daughter is great and we have been supportive of each other, thank goodness for her, my family and my friends.
Then came the photographs... places we had been together. London, Lands End, Oxford, San Francisco, Maine, Cape Cod... places I will likely never visit again because of the memories.
Included in the photos, of course were those of other people who are no longer with us..
I am typing here with tears in my eyes.
I am a 70 year old guy with not too much to look forward to.
Cherish the ones you are with.
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Stonepounder
(4,033 posts)It is so damn hard to lose a life partner. It really does leave you adrift, since for so long it was 'us' and now, somehow you have to go forward as 'me'. I feel you pain and can only send caring thoughts your way. Be thankful for the family that is left and do your best to struggle on.
Peace.
n2doc
(47,953 posts)You have a lot to look forward to. You know perfectly well that Joyce would want you to go on and make the best life you can, use it to celebrate her memory.
secondvariety
(1,245 posts)I really can't say much except you are not alone. There are people who love you and need you and what you're feeling is normal.
Take care, my friend.
I am so sorry for your loss of your lovely wife . Just take it day by day ; the pain will not last forever , i diminishes over time . You are not too old to maybe find a new companion for the rest of your life . That does not mean you forgot your first love ; its just a compliment
to her memory that you can love again .
DesertDiamond
(1,616 posts)People don't die, they just leave their bodies! They are still with you, loving you!
Squinch
(53,221 posts)Today I cleaned out the last of the family belongings from the house I was born into. My mother died a year ago today, and the closing on the sale of the house is Tuesday. I haven't lived there in years, but I have always lived near, and it was always the place I and my 5 siblings went home to.
There is nothing left now that was "ours."
If I were with you, we would raise a glass and have a cry together.
It has, indeed, been a very, very shitty day. 
babylonsister
(171,685 posts)so sorry for your loss, and am glad you found us. 70 is the new 50, didn't you know? My ex wanted a divorce after 28 years, so I know a bit about loss, too.
There's a whole lot of lonely people out there who would love your company when you are ready. Hang in there.
secondwind
(16,903 posts)post, but I have confidence you will still enjoy a reason to get up in the morning!
Uben
(7,719 posts)Lost my wife two yrs ago. It's still tough. I remember having to sell her stained glass studio and cleaning out her Ebay room. I waited about a year before I touched it for the same reasons you stated...watching her stuff disappear. I know it kinda seems like you are erasing memories, but in reality, you're just making room for some new ones. Nothing is gonna take them away, the stuff is really just stuff.
I've lost a lot of close friends in the past few years and just heard yesterday one has stage 4 colon cancer. I guess we just endeavor to persevere until our turn is up. Life really is out there, but you do have to participate if you want to enjoy it. Get out, do something, you know she would have wanted you to.
kairos12
(13,331 posts)
niyad
(120,744 posts)hope that you are being cherished by the ones you are with, as well.
will hope that you find that there is a great deal to look forward to, with joy.
Live and Learn
(12,769 posts)My mother started taking some local adult education classes developed especially for seniors after my father died. She has made many friends with similar interests and is busier now than ever. She and her friends are really enjoying life right now and they range in age from 70 to 90. I can't believe how much energy they have. Have to say, I am a bit envious.
There are many activities that you might enjoy and never got around to doing before. Take the opportunity to keep busy and learn new things. Best of luck to you.
derby378
(30,262 posts)Your fellow DUers offer excellent words of solace and encouragement. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Democracyinkind
(4,015 posts) 
hotrod0808
(323 posts)I don't look forward to the medical supplier coming to the house to up my daughter's machines on Monday. I know they will help other sick and dying kids in the area, but to me, they are pieces of her that I still have. I hope there still are things for you to look forward to, because you seem like a man who is more interesting than most people that I've ever met based on your travels.
Selfishly, I need some encouragement from an elder like you, sir. Because I'm 30 years younger than you, Sofia was my only natural child, and I just don't feel that I have much to look forward to, either.
magical thyme
(14,881 posts)No parent should outlive their child.
RIP and godspeed Sofia.
Diclotican
(5,095 posts)Hoppy
I'm so sorry for your loss - It must be hard, to loose the one you had as your best friend - your loved one..
I hope you, somehow will get some comfort - in your memories - and for what you had together with your best friend on this earth... But it will also be a lot of hurt from what you have lost..
I have not much else to say - and I'm not even sure I can give you some comfort with the my few words here... When you loose someone you love that much - it is never easy to be given comfort from strangers in the night...
I hope you can get some comfort - from people who might be better in the words - I just wanted to say, I feel sorry for you - and I do hope you can get some comfort in what you have had together, and that you are not alone - even if you lost the one you wanted to have with you most..
Diclotican
Demeter
(85,373 posts)for you are a good person who can love.
Stellar
(5,644 posts)My Mother died 2 years ago and the last remaining member from my childhood, my dad, died Christmas morning 2013 at age 90yrs old. My aunts and uncles are all gone on both sides of the family, hubby past in 2002. So, it's just us so-called kid (what they used to call us) are the last, with our children. But somehow, we, you and I, will both survive and get back on that horse and ride again. 
No Vested Interest
(5,211 posts)I now consider myself the matriarch of my clan, and finding my mission for the remainder of my days in passing along family stories and history, so that when the younger ones want to know, some clues and answers will be out there for them.
My brothers lived away from the family's home city, so their children didn't hear the family stories and culture that they would have absorbed in the normal course of everyday life, had they remained local. Even my own were busy growing up and not so interested at the time, but now give an ear to the stories.
I'm aware that there's much history that, if they don't learn it from me, they'll never know it.
So I post photos and incidents on Facebook, which most use fairly regularly.
I benefit as well, seeing photos and reports of their doings as well as their young ones.
Stellar
(5,644 posts)I rarely use Facebook, only if I needed it to blog or post somewhere else. But it's a very good idea and I've got lots of pics and good memories. I'm going to get on that right away...and thank you again! 
No Vested Interest
(5,211 posts)than you give.
mountain grammy
(27,382 posts)It's not easy, but she goes on. I'm not sure I would be as good at that as she is, hope I never have to find out.
Your post makes us all think about it, my heart goes out to you. I hope better days are ahead.
Jesus Malverde
(10,274 posts)
lillypaddle
(9,605 posts)and many of those that follow it, touched me greatly. I am 66, and when we get to this, it isn't easy most times. Be happy for your memories, and a good life. There is more to be. My sympathies to you and all who have a lonelier road ahead.
truebluegreen
(9,033 posts) AAO
(3,300 posts)Second, you have everything to look forward to. It's only limited by your own imagination. 70 is the new 60, so if you are in decent health you should find the things that make you happy and do them as often as possible.
Mojorabbit
(16,020 posts)I lost my husband of 31 years in Dec. There is such a void and the loss of someone to share past memories really hurts. Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk.
go west young man
(4,856 posts)just close your eyes and tap into it. I've also found writing down my dreams helps for more to come. Dreaming can be quite therapeutic and fill you with warm memories and feelings. Personally I'm not a fan of organized religion but I do enjoy dreaming. A great book is Robert Moss's "Conscious Dreaming". It will help open you up to stronger dreaming. Peace to you and Joyce.
http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Dreaming-Spiritual-Path-Everyday/dp/051788710X
IrishAyes
(6,151 posts)it's their way of visiting you.
liberal N proud
(60,983 posts)Let the photographs be loving memorials to the time you had together and the sights you saw. Celebrate that time.
When we travel with our partner, we are creating memories that transcend our time together, more important than all the other things we do.
I hope you can get past this most painful exercise survivors are burdened with. Peace!
PumpkinAle
(1,210 posts)and hoping that those same photos that bring you tears, will bring you smiles and remembrances of the good times.
riverbendviewgal
(4,331 posts)Thank you.
Journeyman
(15,180 posts)and a companion thought to this sentiment. . .
“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” ~ Dr. Seuss
No Vested Interest
(5,211 posts)Wonderful memories can warm the heart.
Lifelong Protester
(8,421 posts)and I do hope you want to eventually visit those places again because of the memories.
You will want those next sunrises, I promise. And your dear wife wants you to have those.
Skittles
(160,371 posts)you can cherish the past (my sympathy to you) but don't let it determine your mood - 70 is not that old! Get out there!!! 
AverageJoe90
(10,745 posts)May you, one day, find true peace. 
Response to Hoppy (Original post)
negoldie This message was self-deleted by its author.
negoldie
(198 posts)> Those precious few seconds when I awake are the best! No worries just get up, race to piss, pet the dogs, clean their messes as I curse them/praise them. Yep those first few seconds, maybe a total of two minutes are THE best. Turn on the coffee, the TV, the small space heater for just a little extra warmth. Man o man those first seconds/minutes are the best. Maybe I'll watch the Rachel Maddow replay, damn the local news is on. I'll check the weather, see if the cats won.
> Then it hits me. I remember why I get up to wake the chickens. Not this summer, maybe next, or the one after if I'm lucky.
> I want to be awake. To remember everyday.
> I tell myself not to get on Billye too much. She doesn't really understand.
> I tell my close friends everything, my other "friends" can come to the funeral.......if I have one.
> Someone will have a party. Just remember him as "a pretty good fella" that's what I always told my friend Gay. Maybe I told everyone once in a drunken stupor but it remains the way I want to be remembered.
> Damn those first few seconds for that is the time I relish. It doesn't last long enough for me.Then reality hits.
> The first five pills go down fine. I'll wait and take the other seven or so later.
> The sun is up, the dogs and cats want to go out.
> Those god damn first few seconds, for they are the BEST few seconds a fella could want, the problem, it only lasts those first few seconds.
> Take care and hug's all 'round.....no tears please.
>
magical thyme
(14,881 posts):hugs:
IrishAyes
(6,151 posts)"He/she was good company." Strange maybe, coming from a person who relishes large doses of solitude, but that's how I feel too.
tavalon
(27,985 posts)but you just described every depression I've ever been in. I mean real depression. Sure, you have a really good reason to be sad and sad is part of life. That said, please think about talking to your doctor about antidepressants. Hopefully, if you get a good one, it won't take away the sad part but it will make the rest of it easier to take. An astounding number of elderly and sick people are depressed - that's one of the reasons that most of the states that have Right to Die laws require the person to have an assessment for depression. Maybe they don't want to die, they're just depressed. Many of those people get help with their depression and then still choose to Die with Dignity, on their own time frame. But depression has to be out of the way before a clear decision can be made.
I'm a lifer on antidepressants. My brain thinks misery is a fine set point. I disagree. I'm incredibly lucky to have an antidepressant that allows me my full range of emotions but for cause, not just because my brain has a set point that is FUBAR.
I suspect, at 50, I'm probably being uppity coming on here and saying this, so just disregard if you wish. I just want both of you to have the best last few years you can. You've lived a long life, there's no reason to die in your head before your heart stops beating.
It was your comment about the first few seconds. I know you told me not to cry, but oh man, how could I not? I know only too well those first few seconds. I remember yelling once, "no, I'm not through!" when the first few seconds were gone.
Enthusiast
(50,983 posts)
Make it your daily routine to visit with us here. It's hardly a replacement for Joyce but it might help a little.
Wonder if you could manage to go fishing.
cate94
(2,900 posts)It is always so hard to lose the people that we love. I hope your days get better soon.
TBF
(34,772 posts)we spent spring break cleaning out a parent's home. We tried to keep it upbeat and tell stories for our kids to remember their grandparents. We let them pick out items to send home. We of course focused on photos while they were more interested in the military regalia and figurines. Now that everything has arrived we are incorporating everything into our house - making spots for the new treasures.
It's for sure a life lesson but it doesn't mean life stops. I hope that you will be getting out with remaining friends and keeping the stories alive. I believe they are the most important thing we have.
((hugs))
Hoppy
(3,595 posts)I chose to post this here rather than burden the people who are in my daily life. Nobody wants to be around someone who is a downer all the time.
I am crying again after reading your words but it is a good crying.
another_liberal
(8,821 posts)Please.
riverbendviewgal
(4,331 posts)I know. My son died at 26
from cancer 14 years ago. His dad, the love of my life, at 54 of cancer 13 years ago. I miss them everyday. Life is not the same ever again but it goes on. Some days are good and some not so good. The good memories become more frequent and the tears less frequently. You will go on.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)My only son just died last month. Any future I had went with him because he had no wife or kids. He was 42 years old.
rhett o rick
(55,981 posts)
mdbl
(5,520 posts)So I will have what you have at 70. So sorry for your loss.
IrishAyes
(6,151 posts)But you show your true colors when you can still think of others in the midst of your own grief - which I hope eases a bit as soon as possible. I think most folks who've been down that road would say be sure to seek out the company of others as soon as you're able and lean on them. You will actually be helping them by letting them help you. God bless.
bvf
(6,604 posts)of 25 years four years ago come July.
One thing I never say to people who've lost loved ones is "I know how you feel," because nobody but them can know that.
Very sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you find courage and peace and the way ahead.
shenmue
(38,538 posts) 
Hoppy
(3,595 posts)In case my posts indicated otherwise, I am not in the frame of mind to end my life... I will go on.
tavalon
(27,985 posts)I wanted you to know that it was another poster who prompted that. You are going through normal grief. As long as you continue through it, depression won't set in. And if depression doesn't set in, ending one's life rarely occurs.
tavalon
(27,985 posts)Thank you for sharing what had to be one of the most painful times in your life.
There really aren't any words that can take away the pain or even make you feel better, but I do know how comforting it is to know that there are friends and family around that care. Still, I do want to say that I am sorry. I wish losing someone wasn't so painful, but it just is and it just takes time to learn how to live again without them.
I really hope that the memories that you have of her and the love she had for you, continue to live on through you.
cindyperry2010
(846 posts)saying I am profoundly sorry I can imagine how bad this hurts. I cleaned out my mother's house of 50 years all by myself it is awful to have to do this. peace to you
Warpy
(113,131 posts)Oh, it doesn't hurt any less, but you get used to it, it becomes a part of you and eventually the good memories crowd out the hurt and become good again.
