More Writing 2

[jfz9580m]

As an exercise I will separate out writing that is really only for the DU community. I don’t really care what anyone who gets past Dave and MIRT sees.
What is in my journal can be seen by people without an account on DU and there I will return to my more stilted style meant for strangers.

Actually, the bookmarks option is not that hard to use. And that should be fine.
It is still on the web and if someone had no life at all they could find them, but at least the intention - that it is a DUer having a shitty time and engaging in stream of consciousness writing or engaging inside the community should be clear.
That will restore my original sociopolitical mode.
I will never be anything but a dull academic in a narrow area. I am not an educator. But DU is likelier to have people who ..
Whatever it is where people want a restrained mode of personal political interaction with society or to share worldviews without it leading it swarms of creepy people flooding one’s street and harassing one.

This is not an open world game or a joke. I do not want this creepy stuff in my home or on my street. That is why I am going to the police locally. But that doesn’t mean that I have to lead a cloistered life. It is a barbaric reality and becoming more that way and where I live it is just creepy. And has been creepy since 2012.
Male or female these are largely people to avoid.


Thanks Dave and elad.

[jfz9580m]

1. Part 1: Normalization of The Panopticon is Grooming

Last edited Sat Apr 4, 2026, 01:25 PM - Edit history (1)

It is grooming women who: 1) do not work in tech, 2) do not want to work in tech, 3) do not want to waste all their time trying to figure out how creepy and unwanted rubbish tech works and 4) refuse to pretend that some sort of system of trust exists between a user (which has a dual meaning in my case, as an mj user) with a notoriously corrupt industry like the present day tech sector. The purpose is to dupe women into accepting ever increasing degrees of constant discomfort which a mere 15 years ago would have been considered super creepy and invasive. The invasion of living and working spaces without explanation in this way was unexpected.

No one sane trusts the contemporary tech sector. There may be some laggards who still buy the blandly sleazy and mechanical “progressivism” of Apple, Google, Microsoft, Facebook etc as anything but phony bs. But there are way fewer such people these days than say in 2015.

I will cut to the chase and keep this as simple as possible under the circumstances. Sadly I cannot be as laconic as I would like to be.

I am writing this mainly for women who might be receptive to this and even relieved that someone finally said it. This phase of undemocratic technological regress should be checked asap imo.

And you know..men!!!! Yes!! Bros!!!! Burgers and sports! Porn!! I don’t know..I am not very smooth and it tends to turn into rambling volumes of logorrhoea when I try to vaguely reassure..you know..men or something.

The gist is that no one is filing false allegations against you if you have absolutely nothing to do with me or my specific complaints. So go away. It is hard to target stuff this way. Local to me, yeah it is all creepy as was most of the last 14.5 years, but if you are some doltish random who takes it personally please don’t. Unless you work on creepy areas of tech while living in: Si Valley or a communist podunk in the global south and are generally like these guys:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_named_in_the_Epstein_files

I say doltish because sometimes it seems to be hard to get it through that at least in my experience (which has shaped me), for the most part at an appropriate distance most men are not creeps. But there seems to be a lot of general alarm when women start talking about filing complaints. I really don’t want to be sent back to the psychiatric hospital. I have come to fear male panic.

So it is okay man. Calm down. If you didn’t deliberately drive up and down a street in a communist state in the global south or work in a shitty Sidewalks Lab type of hell in Si Valley, it is not about you.

And there is something fake and disingenuous about fear driven fake empathy so I am not doing that anymore. But I cannot see that this creepy Panopticon is doing most men any favors either. It is a form of inquisition for men as much as for women, just in different ways.

And only a creepy subset of people trying to normalize each new creepy excess actually gain from this. It doesn’t even lead to tawdry pleasures for the vast majority whose job isn’t building, shilling or enabling this trash. And it creates a permacrisis and bullshit work (paid and unpaid). It has no pluses and cannot be forced as it was.

I tried this exercise over and over, but it wasn’t working. I have finally decided to keep it simple and about misconduct (in human subject research), malpractice (in psychiatry) and grooming, exploitation and harassment (sexual and other) involving the forcing of unwanted technological “progress” in Si Valley (Sept 5, 2011-Apr 18, 2012) and later in a podunk in the global south. This is largely a pleasant, quiet, sleepy place. But it is only a livable place minus these creeps forcing their misogynistic harassment and other creeps enabling it/dismissive of it.

There is no way in hell a non-malicious man or woman could fail to see how outrageous it was to force this here if you are honest at all about how socially conservative this place is.

Okay mindnumbingly stupidity and cluelessness would be the other explanation and that is not something to permit either let alone celebrate.

I will now flesh out all relevant details overtime as I finally set my life back in order.
This reminds me of my workplace from 2011. Coercive control sounds about right:

https://rainn.org/get-the-facts-about-sexual-violence/get-the-facts-about-grooming/

[jfz9580m]

2. Part 2: The Real World is not an Open World Game System or the Metaverse

The last 14 years & 8 months really were akin to a mental prison. Every week I plan to get back on the horse and have failed to in recent years especially.

I deleted most of my posts last week as every now and then I feel bullied into submission, i.e. that having to use the web to anonymously initiate complaints opens me up to harassment on my own street here in India. But that is nonsense.
And it is not my perception and a paranoid delusion etc. Can you just say the lamest tricks in the book?

The Streisand Effect etc are hyper-libertarian arguments used by internet companies and the worst institutions out there to draw a blatantly false analogy between the internet and the real world.

It is not a seamless continuum from the internet to the “real world” as people like that creep Andreessen or the monstrous people you find at places like Stanford would have you think of it. There are hard lines that separate the two which a disingenuous person would not find this hard to define. I am not normalizing anything I have seen since Sept 2011 (though it started a little earlier) just because most states have been as negligent as private sector companies, hospitals and educational institutions in my case, it doesn’t mean it will stay that way.

But I will start posting in this thread daily and keep my posts shorter and lay out important information as well as assert my right to be myself without being platitudinous and humorless to appease the types of people who engage in an even more insidious form of “she should not be wearing that if she doesn’t want to be assaulted.”

Iow that women who joke, make ribald remarks, swear etc in contexts that are in no honest sense an issue are themselves the problem not harassers and their enablers.

The problem is not what women wear or say around creeps. It is the creeps.
I have never policed people for controversial humor or swearing etc. But there is a line and it is crossing that to drive on my street or do fraudulent testing and snooping irl because someone posts anonymously on a website whose admins they trust.

But even without a pile of creepy social engineering (lie detectors, emotion ai) I have retained my humanity and understand human behavior in context better than dishonest people and their enablers.

This is a bad deal for young people, women and honest men. I have been angered at how much this has poisoned my formerly normal, unaffected behaviors around both men and women.

When you know very little about someone it is one thing. I have been posting here for years. When I first came back to DU I was - I don’t like the word traumatized even when it is not entirely inapplicable - more feral. There.

Language is important and very personal. I like animals (sometimes more than I like humans) so I don’t mind being compared to a cat or a plant or even a cartoon character. I don’t like being likened to a child or a teen or someone with mental issues that were not directly the result of shitty systems. Nor obviously to a bot.

Obviously I am not a potted plant. If I was and posting online that would be kinda cool actually.

I have been fighting above all this sense of anonymity (distinct from choosing to stay anonymous) that comes from feeling like this bulk processed, homogenized, blandly vapid or spectacularly lunatic brand of awful human.

I am a bit suspicious of what I at least see as PMC class language that I am not even sure is anything but liability consciousness.

While I am well to the left, I find it hard to join groups. It has made the last 14.66 years very hard. When I was reading about E Jeanne and more recently the 13 yo “boy-girl” who bit Trump’s penis when he tried to force her, I felt a pang of recognition. I felt the same way when I read about Sam Kuffel.

I grew up around my dad who is one of the most decent men I have ever met. But around my mom he swears a lot and even makes bawdy jokes. Which I as a child found very intriguing being a generally horrible child. My parents made a few attempts to instill some decorum in me, but gave up finding it altogether too uphill.

We were a happy, healthy family for all that maybe we would be seen as eccentric by someone nosy from a very insular and conventional family who wants to police people while being snoopy, creepy and mercenarily normalizing Google’s disgusting practices.

It wasn’t this sickeningly cultish, super creepy and invasive culture I got exposed to starting from Sept 2011 in California.

Imagine a collection of peeping toms and street harassers laying down the law re what is mentally healthy or acceptable. No one was calling it out and so now I have to as it is too much of a drag to endure.

This was such bullshit. I am filing all applicable complaints and I will be outspoken about it the way I would be.

[jfz9580m]

3. Part 3: Language, Writing etc

I wrote this in response to another DUer and am paring out their info (illusion or not, I am trying an honest exercise in communication, privacy, conflict and webuse. As far as I know I have not been doxxed and only people who know me and saw this would know who I was).
——————————————————————————
If — likes reading, I hope — reads “The Citadel” someday. It is a beloved classic and imo a must read for young medical professionals and scientists generally.

These are such corrupt times. I have rarely come across doctors I didn’t like. It is a profession (like science) which generally consists of people I respect and trust. The training helps instill a reality based worldview.

Hospital admins are another matter.

I rather like this one doctor, whose columns are pretty decent:
https://www.claytondalton.com/
Dr. Dalton is a physician-writer which I think is pretty cool.

I am myself trying to get back on track in science after a horribly extended break (a shitty job that was life destroying, covid, the death of someone I was very close to and some other really bad stuff local to me).

And experimenting with writing (which I have very mixed feelings about - which is why I end up deleting many of my posts off and on in a revulsion of feeling about revealing so much about myself online). I have complicated feelings about whether to only be someone who talks about their own field in the main and only posts other people’s views that closely match mine rather than write myself.

I know I will never write under my own name. But I am in the middle of a conflict and it comes down to whether honest human writing can help or not. I am a bit suspicious of concepts like “telling one’s story”. Sounds a bit dubious and sketchy imo. But Dr.Dalton, Yasha Levine, Ed Zitron, Chris Ketcham, Evgenia Kovda, Marina Bolotnikova and Adam Becker write unaffectedly and it isn’t an exercise in narcissism.

Hamilton Nolan had a piece years ago called “Journalism is not narcissism”. And I agreed mostly and like Nolan. So I have not decided yet. I suspect I will revert to my basic nature and end up deleting all my writing. Not as a reputation curating person. But as someone to whom sharing doesn’t come easily and who resents having been forced into it by a creepy, shitty loathsome workplace. I have fewer mixed feelings about writing exclusively about my hatred for my last workplace. There it feels natural.

But then I just sound embittered and disgruntled - both of which I am. But it comes down to whether it helps in my conflict with them. What sets my experience apart at least some from many is I was an early inductee into the creepy and repellant Panopticon being built and am writing to push back against it.

It all comes down to establishing conflict lines as I prepare to re-enter research if that is even possible. My last workplace made me give up. But when I look at the world today and how negative an influence Google, Facebook etc (all heavy influences on that creepy hell) have been on the world, I reject their worldview with the disdain it deserves. I do question some archaic views in science that make it less accessible to anyone but pis and temps. Looking at the diverse collection of creeps who catered to Epstein it doesn’t feel like a subset of these “superstars” of science are nice or sane unlike the average scientist (elite like my real mentor or non elite like me). And those creeps seem to be the gate-keepers like my disgusting, cultish and somewhat stupid former workplace.

This is an instance of politics getting entwined with science, medicine and reality and so maybe it is worthwhile? I just don’t think it is a very good thing when scientists or physicians are influencer adjacent. But the people I follow are not influencers. They are not shilling any products or posting on social media. Nor are they just contributing generic, canned stuff. Which I suppose is what it comes down to. What is the point if it is just more blandly insipid or spectacular, controversial and angering froth? Those are stylistic differences not substantial ones. That way I like Lucien Greaves - he writes to represent the caustic who have a function.

I will only ever write on DU which I do see as closer to collaborative teamwork which gets back to a comfort zone as that is much of science. I write here as you are all nice people and Dave, elad and MIRT make this very different from a hideous Zuckerberg owned hell. Otoh then I don’t want to grate on other DUers, while still writing freely if I do write. And my internal voice is perhaps a bit caustic and vinegary and one never wants to hurt people’s feelings unless they are all the public figures I hate and my last workplace. Like that is a shitty move to use an experience to invalidate other people’s views. That is the type of person who correctly annoys everyone. Of course I stay squarely in the average person side (which is why I stay anon). I have to think about it more. I switch between thinking of individual DUers and abstract concepts. As I have a picture of most DUers. I suppose it is how it fits into DU, but not electoral politics at all directly, but more what being an American or in my case an Indian who was trained in America means politically.

I have known both the healthy (my main lab) and the diseased (my last workplace and stuff I see here saw there. Oh fuck off auto wrong) versions of community or cooperation. A cult that hates nuclear families, largely solitary childfree catladies
is not the opposite of self absorbed solipsism and Thatcherite atomisation.

[jfz9580m]

4. Part 4: Cults are not Community

I don’t overall have a particularly unstable worldview about people.

My last lab severely strained my rather black and white worldview past a threshold. I already have a nuanced worldview overall.

For instance if someone is well-meaning, non-creepy and kinda clunky and inept in human relations, hey we have all been there. The Tim Hunt example comes to mind. As far as I know all his students and postdocs backed him. He has never been accused of anything more than a joke that made my eyes roll.

That would be my dad (pretty much my sole datapoint for a conservative man who is still basically a decent person. He was a military conservative and very disciplined in his ways when he wouldn’t go on the occasional alcohol fueled bender due to work frustrations). He never even drove, so DUIs were not on the table.

Importantly he has never ever been disrespectful of women. It genuinely shocks him. He was very popular with his students and he has even had women come to him and tell him when other men have made them feel uncomfortable.

Having known my dad all my life, there is no conflict I see between being somewhat conservative and still recognizing women as equals.
My ex dad in law was similar. He says things that don’t offend me as I am not easily offended having grown up around my dad. I don’t associate a foul mouth with creepiness. It is more tricky with bawdy jokes without a human as it is all context.

It is why I have finally chosen to write over a cottage industry of lie detectors, emotion ai and other creepy and pointless stuff that is the type of junk that a Panopticon produces.

I say controversial things lately (in the last year) because I am annoyed by polite pseudo professionalism coexisting with this PMC hyper policing culture that exploits a type of internet discourse (Lucien Greaves slams it) to actually target and punish the more lefty women who are actual supporters of a genuinely clean workplace for women.

What do I mean by clean? Women’s private habits or lives are none of your damn business and a totally phony (we care about your health! It is totally not sleazy data mining! We are putting you on file as a crazy lady for your own health!) concern for mental health..I mean come on.

It isn’t actually a clean workplace to police jokes and stuff that in context offends no one. Context is everything. Creeps will game the shit out of inconsistent and hypocritical takes.
It is the most human of things.

It is why I looked at Hennessy and thought sardonically “clunker” and yes a threat to sanity, livelihoods and democracy sure. But not a creep.
It helps creepy men have this bogus narrative of witch-hunts and false allegations and poison everyone with paranoia to not be blunt about some of this.

I did find my last boss a bit of a strain because he was not a creep but he certainly was not intuitively sensitive. I did and do feel that he sacrifices important things for bulk processing and hyperscale. And that is Pennywise and pound foolish. And worst of all, unlike my main mentor with whom I have this sort of unbreakable bond even when I haven’t seen him for years. And where I do feel that people should not have attention drawn to the things that make them cool because then it can become self conscious. But it was such a core part of who he was. He mentored so many women and had such a cool relationship with all of us.
In this shitty world it is nice how many make mentor female mentee relationships exist in the best sense possible.

But then I finally looked at the Epstein trash last week and read about this like creepy creepy guy called V.S.Ramachandran. That guy, Deepak Chopra etc make my skin crawl.

It took meeting my nieces and other young girls I know to repair my self-image from that of this paranoid borderline crazy lady back to who I am.
Working at my last workplace creeped me out and I tried to leave immediately. And it changed me. Yes I watch “Sunny in Philadelphia” and hell I even read Robert Ruark’s “Uhuru” (not recommended for the faint of heart. I will never say “trigger warning” or other words I think of as “PMC speak”. But well it is offensive. As is George Orwell’s “Burmese Days”. As is the callous description of a horrific rape in “Down and Out in London and Paris”. As is a most of “Gone with the wind”.

But you should have the ability to read offensive things in their unedited form and not be so vapid and vacuous that you immediately go to a Klan rally.

In fact for all that you may be “on the right side” of various things that you have already learnt from crowds to take the right position, you are still often in the wrong on many things like people like Jay Kaspian Kang who is too stupid to not get that factory farming is a horror. And a huge grievance complex is not about civil rights. It is just your cultural chauvinism and entitlement versus someone else’s.

Isn’t that what critical thinking is? This helicopter parent and PMC worldview is actually worse than exposure to the world as it is without a constant anxious disclaimer.

Even as a child I knew when reading “Gone with the Wind” that an entertaining piece of writing as it is, it is full of shit. Children have more sense than the adults who have it beaten out of them.

I don’t disagree that a subset of people of all political persuasions may exist who need a world that is very walled off from anything aversive. If you have only seen the net of the last 20 years I can see how thought terminating cliches abound.

But for me that is the other side of the coin from this genuinely disgraceful person:

David Agus
University of Southern California cancer researcher and founding CEO of Ellison Medical Institute
Agus, a professor of medicine and bioengineering, never met or spoke with Epstein. But he spent 7 years saying no to
him.

Agus received his first email from Epstein in 2012. “I had given a TED talk, and I think he had an affinity for TED speakers,” Agus recalls. “He wrote me, ‘Can we meet next time you’re in New York?’”
After telling his assistant to raise the possibility of a meeting, Agus went online and learned more about Epstein, including his 2008 conviction. He also reached out to a few people he knew from among a list of names Epstein had mentioned in a subsequent email. “They all said the same thing: ‘Stay away from him. He’s a bad character.’”

Agus visited New York City regularly in his role as a medical correspondent for CBS News, and he says Epstein would often email him after a piece had aired with the same request. Agus told his assistant to keep putting Epstein off,
saying he was too busy. The exchanges continued until shortly before Epstein was arrested in 2019.

Why didn’t Agus just tell Epstein why he was unwilling to meet?

“I don’t want to upset a powerful person,” Agus says. “It wasn’t my job to judge him, and I’m not a confrontational individual. I’m also not a moralist, and I don’t pretend to know the whole story.”

“But at the same time, I’m not going to meet with a person with [the] history that I saw online,” Agus continues. “To
me, it was very simple: Don’t associate with him.”

This guy is a disgrace. I am also not confrontational nor a moralist. But this guy and I mean different contexts.
I am a self-styled uhhh “sociologist”. So I have these categories-creep, sleazebag, dimwit, clunker. I think George Carlin had something similar.


This is not a joke. If I do have to write, I am going to write about what I have struggled with for 14 years and eight months by now. How creepy and ott I find this Panopticon and

When I met my psychiatrist in 2012, I thought he was cool. I was a bit wary that he might push sobriety on me sneakily. And music therapy or some other thing where “harm reduction” is as close as I will go with a cottage industry peddling fall monitoring (go away) and a series of privacy invasions for shit one does not want or need. You know I okay with mosquitoes or anti-mosquito spray over a privacy invasion that guarantees I won’t be bitten. No mosquito bites ever! Only a bunch of ai-fueled creepy surveillance! I will take the damn mosquito bites! Thank you!

My psychiatrist was cool and aside from a suspicion that this is another person who might try to sell me on clarity or some such foul thing I will never bother with suspecting that a straight edge agenda lurks, I really liked him. This is why I hate bulk stuff.
I was 33 years old and adept at pushing it but staying safe. I am not an ideal person. Don’t try this at home.

But he did say something that made me realize that the internet is skewing perceptions. He said something negative about feminism. And I thought he was kinda feminist. Like my dad is.
This rejection of the material world for what some asshole mobs online or now offline - the safety of crowds cowards - is bad for feminism, wokeness etc. And woke capitalism and Jamie Dimon etc are just a disgrace.

You have to leave room for human nature. It is just where you peg that should be not beating up on some powerless person or even a clunker, while silently being okay with this super creepy meninist crowd.

No one is going to force me into some foul drivel and flip the tables etc. it was and remains creepy. But well..

I was looking at those people sardonically
and going “Yeah these are the types who want a conversation. Fine. Then I will have one about creeps.”
And people with networks so large that they end up prioritizing creeps who are passing for elite (please do not tell me that Pentland and Ramachandran etc are elites. Yasha Levine and Christopher Ketcham are elite.
I am not elite and I need actual elites I do pay attention to who seem in tune with the reality we deal with).

My self-image was in tatters after my last job because for all that I kept trying to leave the fact that I couldn’t made me start seeing myself as this creepy or possibly crazy female. Crazy any day if those are the options.

But I am neither. And when I read about the Epstein children and women or the MeToo cases, unlike with girlbosses and their imaginary grievances, I genuinely felt for them. Especially for the “boy-girl” who bit Trump’s dick and doesn’t want to talk.

But as much as I respect a lot of the lefty writing I follow, the specific thing I mean - the sort of inquisition this is especially for honest women who…
This is a society out of balance. I like Evgenia Kovda and her piece on Camgirls because turning private things into a product is gross.

Were I not so disgusted by the drug war and the constant low grade strain of having to fend off male creeps and continue with a DIY mental health regimen in a grey area, I wouldn’t. The reason I am outspoken in my support for my med mj company and my doctor who is of a minority religion is that I have so many strong views I find I cannot change/
That’s the real limit of free will. You can even try. But your mind changes as it chooses to. It works both ways.
I find that I cannot have a negative view of my mentor’s wife even if I think “Okay this is too much of a headache. Screw all of them. They are all dead to me.” I may not agree with most people from that time, but she was an honest woman. As were the grad students.
I do disagree with them and have to make a case for what I do see as problems with a specific type of conservative left of centre that has some trad elements that I feel are suffocating women like me out between not wanting this exploitation of private lives politically as left. Otoh objecting to trad and sobriety sneaking in under the guise of community and health.
lol..
Meeting my nieces and seeing myself through their eyes restored me a lot.
Or actually it improved my self image. They are young girls without much nonsense about them and fairly assertive and left of centre and it repaired this diseased self-image I had started having as any proximity to those places does. I saw a female pi there who works at some small college who again seemed decent.

You can force and hector people and preach and so on. It will not change people’s minds and want does change minds is when people register something as genuinely convincing which given how this started and went on I see as less and less likely especially as I look at the state to the world and don’t feel that the people I was at odds with were right as opposed to me. And locally this is a lost cause re averting complaint filing.

Which brings me back to my last lab. It is one of the few instances in my life of people I have mixed feelings about and it is why the elite at a certain level are people it is kinda painful to meet.
Anyway I don’t think I can entirely avoid writing at the moment. But I am going to go work and start my life again.

But while I rarely get offended and seriously..My bars are not that high. It is zero tolerance on creepiness and corruption because that is not acceptable. No honest woman can work and live with creepiness or the level of disgraceful garbage I have seen locally.

But that aside, well you know..we are all random humans navigating this foul hellscape and we all need some grace. I certainly do. All the time and am grateful where I find it.

Thankfully I am no longer kicked out of my alumni email. I am grateful to people who tolerate me. I know I am unpopular, but maybe unpopular people have a function.
Who else could heckle creeps as openly? There is no shortage of group solidarity in politics and religion etc.
But I find it hard to join groups except temporarily followed by disbanding. And that may be a type of person who shouldn’t just be shoved into psychiatric hospitals or exploited.
While I can mend some fences from that time of my life, within reason, I will still be very critical overall. I am still finishing up my obligations to science and all I say is you have to be honest when you are a scientist or a doctor.