Wife died Sunday, buried her today

[Uben]

Stage IV breast cancer recurrence, 9 yr survivor after initial DX and surgery.

Whadda ya do? We were married 17 yrs, second marriage for both of us. We clicked...a near perfect match. I was holding her hand when she passed, and she was staring in my eyes. I gently closed her eyes and said goodbye.

Amazing woman! She and my first wife, the mother of my two girls, became friends. We raised the girls as an extended family. She was a very intelligent family and mental health counselor for years. She talked to people, sometimes almost drilling them, to discover what they needed, and then proceeded to help them find ways to cope with life's hiccups. A marriage counselor who not only saved marriages, but entire families. If it wasn't going to work out, she helped them deal with their situation and taught them how to go forward. It's what she did.

Now the funeral is over, the people are gone, and it's me and my black lab, Jack. I know I'm gonna have problems, and I lived with a counselor long enough to know they can help. A close friend of ours is a minister and has offered me grief counselling. I'm gonna do it. She lost her husband 3 or four yrs ago, and she must be dealing with her own grief of my wife's passing because they were very close, so it might be a little awkward, but maybe two people working together will make it easier. Maybe not, I don't know.

Getting past the funeral was a step. It's done. Now, dealing with the solitude of living alone and tackling the problems I encounter will be my focus. I encountered my first today. Where are the checks? The checkbook only had a few checks left and I needed to get some more. She had moved them from where we had been keeping them. We have a huge house...they could be anywhere.
I did find them, but I can imagine how many times this will play out in the near future. We each had responsibilities. I did my things, she did hers. But, when she got ill, I had to do it all, so I have a leg up on that.

I don't know what lies ahead, but I know it's gonna be bumpy.

[ZombieHorde]

1. She does sound amazing.

The counseling from the minister, who is a family friend, should be very helpful.

[Old and In the Way]

2. Sincerest condolances.

geez, I'd be lost without the SO. She's the glue that keeps us all humming. I hope your adjustment is good one. Best of luck.

[juajen]

3. I am so sorry.

I wish I could say it get's better; and, perhaps it will for you, with different circumstances from mine. We all travel a different road. I will not give you false hope, either. My husband had been dead for over two years, and I am far from ready to join the world. I am grateful for DU, however, and I hope you also find solace here. Hugs.

[Uben]

9. Oh, I'll eventually move on

I am retired and live in a gated lake community. There are a lot of widows and divorcees here, and a widower almost becomes a target for those looking to find another mate. I may remain here, may not. I'm not making any big decisions for a while (advice from my friends). I have my parents to take care of now. Neither of their health is very good, and I could face losing one of them this year, as well. Life gets tougher as you get older in that respect. My mantra now is "Endeavor to persevere". Do what needs to be done, tackle each problem as it arises.

I have been here at DU for many years and I have used my friends here for solace before. I know first-hand the benefits of being part of such a great community. Together we can make it through lifes struggles. It's not always easy, but what is?

[Scuba]

4. Sorry for your loss. Hang tough, life is hard, but worth it.

[BanzaiBonnie]

5. I'm so sorry

Sometimes words are not enough, so I'm sending you a hug.

[dreamnightwind]

6. Sending some good energy your way

If it makes you feel any better, what you are going through is something we all eventually run into (or we are the ones who die first). It's hard to imagine that such events (life and death) are "normal", and that we're expected to cope with them.

Though you'll never replace your loss, I hope you can see your way through to some new adventure eventually. In the meantime, hang in there as best you can, and don't be too isolated.

I have a longtime friend whose wife had breast removal and reconstruction today (!!). I think her cancer was Stage III, and I've been worried all day about them. No news yet.

Good luck to you, and keep reaching out to people.

[Uben]

8. Of course, it is natural to worry.....

..about anyone who gets any kind of cancer. Breast cancer I know, and for what it's worth, your friend has a good chance to add many years to her life. My wife's situation was similar in 2002. Since she was DXed with Lobular carcinoma in her left breast and lobular carcinoma has a tendency to recur in the other breast, she had both removed, with immediate reconstruction. Less than a year later, she came down with scarlet fever, a result of a strep infection, and it attached itself to her implants. They had to be removed. She waited a year then had another reconstruction done...much better job, I might add.

We had 9 yrs after her initial DX. We both retired and spent almost every day together for the remainder of her life. I am so thankful we made that decision.

So many strides have been made in BC treatment, and they may even find a cure for this damned disease before she recurs. Keep the faith, my friend.

[dreamnightwind]

23. Thanks for the info

and again, sorry for your loss.

[Surya Gayatri]

7. Sincerest sympathy, Uben...

May your lovely memories of her comfort you in the days and weeks ahead.
SG

[Worried senior]

10. So sorry for your loss

it sounds like she was a wonderful woman and you had a good marriage so you will have good memories to carry you through.

[mike_c]

11. dude....

Condolences and best wishes. I have nightmares about finding myself where you are.

[Blappy]

12. My symapthies to you

It isn't easy, based on my own experience. It's been ~9 years for me and there are still challenges. I think it helps to have at least one person you know can relate to your loss, and your pastor might be the one for you. There are others who have gone through similar things, seek them out and find empathy.

[Mnemosyne]

13. So sorry for your loss, Uben. She sounds like she was an amazing woman.

[immoderate]

14. Sorry for your loss -- admiration for what you had.

--imm

[Paper Roses]

15. My thoughts are with you. I have lost my husband of 45 years.

It does not get easier. You remember everything. Hopefully your dreams and thoughts are of the good times. My deepest sympathy to you and your family.
It is hard to cope with such a loss. Every night when I go to bed, one side of the bed is empty and I remember everything. I cannot seem to get beyond that. I hope you are able to cope better than I.

Loss of a spouse is a heartbreaking experience. All here wish you the best.

[Uben]

16. One of the greatest gifts she gave me.....

...was the knowledge of how to deal with adversity. If all I get is pq&r (figurative speaking), then I must learn to live with pq&r and make it work. While I do have moments of sorrow, and I know I will for a long time, my overall attitude is positive because we talked about life after one of us passes. We both expressed our wishes that the other experience life to it's fullest, whatever that might be.
Who would not want that for a loved one? We were so much alike, I just know my thoughts and feelings would almost mirror hers. Living with such a strong and wise woman changed my life. It gave me strength.

[auntAgonist]

26. ..

I think of you often Paper Roses.

aA
kesha

[Tsiyu]

17. My condolences, Uben

[LiberalEsto]

18. I'm so sorry for your loss, Uben

You have friends here.

[uppityperson]

19. My condolences Uben. You sound like you are on track & know what's coming, what to do, it just sucks

and is hard. Best wishes to you and again, condolences.

[BootinUp]

20. Hope the road smooths out for you

So sorry to hear about your loss. You seem to be dealing with it as well as can be expected. I recommend that you follow through on your plans.Take care

[pmorlan1]

21. Condolences

I wish there was something I could say to help but I know there isn't. I lost my mother last January and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and my dad (we lost Dad about 2 years before Mom).

[midnight]

22. I'm so sad to read this. I hope you and Jack are having a peaceful eve.

[livetohike]

24. My sympathy to you and your family

and to all who knew and loved your wife {{ }}. May all of the good memories you have of times with her bring you comfort.

[auntAgonist]

25. Uben I'm so sorry for your loss.

So many memories to cherish. Your wife sounds like an amazing person.

thank you for sharing your thoughts with us ..

I'm truly at a loss for words.



aA
kesha

[veness]

27. Heartfelt condolences to you Uben.

Am sure your wonderful wife is proud of you, and on some level you are both closer than ever.

And I am glad Jack is with you.

[MadrasT]

28. I am so sorry for your loss

I know what it is like to have someone who is there... and then they're not. It is a huge adjustment and very hard.

[pipi_k]

29. I'm so very sorry for your loss

[GreenPartyVoter]

30. I'm so very sorry for your loss. *hugs*

[TBF]

31. My condolences, Uben. I hope you and Jack have been getting out for some walks -

I am married and have two kids. It is a good marriage, but hubby works constantly and the children are at school. I tend to do ok on my own, but I sure do like having a dog around to keep my company. I lost my favorite Lab a year ago last week (Thurs), but the puppy I bought soon after has managed to keep me pretty busy. I will be thinking of you and Jack.

[Uben]

32. Thanks TBF

Jack and I are doing fine. Still getting used to living alone. I like the solitude, but still, having someone to do nothing with is preferable. Don't know what's in store for the future, but I'm taking it a day at a time right now. I have some hurdles to get over, taxes and a mountain of medical bills, and Carol always handled those, so I'll have to learn. Fortunately, money is not an issue, so I'll work through it.