Two friends gone, one through oddness, and the other by passing.
It's been a rollercoaster of a few months.
Late June-July found me losing a friend, and I don't know why. She was one of my best friends, and the one who I spent the most time with the past two years. She suddenly became cold towards me, and things progressively got colder till she stopped talking to me three weeks after.
I have no idea what I have done, no explanation and I did not get any sort of talk.
A mutual friend, who is ten years older than us, who kept pushing us to be together decided to ask her what was going on between us. She cut him off, just by him asking what's going on between me and her. He was friends with her longer, and to tell the truth, I know he was in love with her in his own way, and pushed her on to me, as to live vicariously through me.
I know he was older, he was 45, and we were in our mid-early thirties.
I should have never told him that she stopped talking to me. In doing so, I added stress in his life. He got sick around July-early August. I texted her to check up on him since he has been really sick, and would not go to the doctor. That he might listen to her, since he was being too stubborn with me.
The fact that she cut him off, and stopped talking to the both of us weighed on him heavily. I was trying to let things go, and have given her space. On the 14th of September, he, being sick and in pain decided to contact someone who would be able to talk to her mother and ask what was going on. I never asked for that, and I thought it was a bad move. It put my business out there to everyone in the family, as she and her mother is a family friend. It is why I never pursued a deeper relationship with her, but treated her as family and as a friend only.
The next day, he goes in to a seizure, many of them, some lasting for over 40 minutes.
It was a roller coaster ride of emotion, where the person he contacted told me about things and he mentioned this friend's request to contact the lady's mother... I was frustrated, but knew he did it out of his concern and love, so I could not get mad. All I took from that was that even when he was really sick, all he can think about is her and what is going on with her.
I couldn't help but feel like a catalyst in terms of his stress, and that if I didn't tell him about my situation with her, she could probably made him go to the doctor sooner.
From the time he was rushed to the ER, I have gone almost daily except for two days in to the SICU. Playing instruments, talking with him in a sad little monologue, and being there for his family. His sisters, parents and so forth since he never married. Apologizing time and time again that I was not able to bring her there, since she probably means a lot more to him than she did to me. No, that is not quite true, she means a lot to me, but I know he was far more in love with her than I was.
She never contacted him, and I know that she didn't visit most likely because she wanted to avoid any sort of awkwardness, especially if I was there.
He passed away this Saturday, on his birthday. He just turned 46.
His spark left on Thursday night and machines kept his body alive till he was taken off on Saturday.
I lost it during the Happy Birthday song, a few minutes after they took him off the ventilator.
I am so very tired... The drama was pointless, and I still don't have any animosity towards her. I am sure she is hurting as well, but I don't see any reconciliation within the cards. I have done what I can, and kept my door open, I wish her well, but I just feel the need to go far far far away...
= new reply since forum marked as read
