TMI

[murielm99]

My daughter has been widowed for six months. People keep asking her very personal questions about how her husband died. They want all the details. Close friends and family already know. He died of a heart attack. She came home and found him a short time later. She called 9-11. He could not be revived, at home, by her, by the EMTs, or at the hospital.

Every time someone asks, she relives the worst two hours of her life in graphic detail. I know it will get better, but people are not helping. Why should people he went to school with twenty-five years ago, or old neighbors, or acquaintances, need to know everything?

I told her it is okay to tell them he died at home, suddenly. If they press her, she can say, "I don't want to discuss it. It is too personal. It is too soon."

I feel the same way about people who have cancer. Everyone asks, "What kind of cancer?" Then they ask for other medical details. I think people should be able to say, "I'd rather not go into any more detail."

I hear many people discussing how others are silent about their grief, because they don't know how to react to someone else's loss. The other extreme can be just as bad.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. That has to be so hard. I think you have the right idea, for sure.

Tell them that it is too soon, too personal. Hopefully they will respect that.

for both of you.

[murielm99]

2. Peggy, she was here yesterday,

and left again at 5:00 a.m. She flew in just for the Cubs game. We went to the Cubs game, my son, daughter-in-law, daughter and me. They hit six home runs and won. I hope this lifted her spirits for awhile.

We need to put politics on hold, for her, and for the Cubs. I don't care how silly this sounds. The Cubs mean a lot to my family.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. It doesn't sound silly at all!

She needs her spirits lifted and that will help support her so much. Grief (as you know) is so isolating, and doing a group activity with loving family members really banishes the feelings of isolation very well.

[auntAgonist]

4. I guess people mean well but geez. I can't imagine digging so deep into someone's personal tragedy.

I hope she finds the strength to tell them "I don't wish to talk about it, can we change the subject please?"

If someone can't respect that and gets their feelings hurt, too damned bad. imho.

aA
kesha

[orleans]

5. i could be wrong but when you said

"Every time someone asks, she relives the worst two hours of her life in graphic detail" the first thing i thought of was that she *needs* to talk about it.

that's how i was and to a degree i still am

i think about it, i talk about it, i am still trying to work through it but that first couple of years after my mom died--omg--i needed to talk about it so badly and there were only a couple people (and du) that i could really go on about it with.

i don't know. but the fact that you say she goes into "graphic detail" just kind of leads me to think this is one of her ways of working through it, or coming to terms with it--by talking about it.

if she's going into a lot of detail just to be polite & she really doesn't want to talk about it i'm sure most people would understand if she just told them she doesn't want to talk about it now.

and you're right--that other extreme can be just as bad.

[murielm99]

6. She has spoken to us,

to close friends, to her therapist, and to a widow's workshop she attended. She objects to people who are not close asking for too many details.

I hope she is beginning to tell people that she does not want to talk about it yet. I don't know if she is at that point.

I guess we all grieve differently. I hope you are doing well.