Losing a child doesn't mean you stop being their mom

[mia]

“Does death change a mother’s personal census?” For her, it doesn’t.

It was an innocuous question. A question I’ve fielded a million times. A question that has never required a pause or a moment of thought.

How many children do you have?

My stomach flipped. My throat closed. Eventually I managed an answer, though those long seconds before my reply probably did not go unnoticed. Not that it mattered. Not that I cared. I owed the stranger no explanation.

Even so, the question lingered in the air for the rest of the afternoon and chased me all the way home. It sat next to me while I watched TV. Later it crawled under the covers and settled on my pillow, but without going to sleep.

When you lose a child, does she still make the count? Does death change a mother’s personal census?

For grieving parents, this dilemma is real. What surprised me — once I was calm enough to think about it — was the fact that it had taken so long for me to be confronted with the question. My daughter, the eldest of five, died in August, on a sweltering hot Friday that now feels, paradoxically, both like yesterday and a lifetime ago. That it took all these months for me to be put in this spot speaks volume about these surreal times....

https://tribunecontentagency.com/article/ana-veciana-suarez-losing-a-child-doesnt-mean-you-stop-being-their-mom/?fbclid=IwAR2Nxcnjx-ZOuzf89mm4e8zWg1EF0ai6QE6DFsUmhzgg75z1N6x5nLnLQu8

[Croney]

1. I've had to struggle with this question for 50 years.

When asked, I say I have four. But every single time, a fleeting whisp of memory dashes through my mind as my brain says no, "four" is incorrect, you have six.

I lost one very young, and one adult child, but it's not the business of strangers. I don't mind talking about it if necessary, but four" is the answer I'm comfortable with.

[mia]

2. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing your perspective.

[barbtries]

3. i struggled with this.

when asked, I have 4 children. my daughter died, i don't always add that but many times i do.
not only am I still her mother, she's still my daughter. she will always be.

[Dustlawyer]

4. Tough for us dad's too. For years I would say 3 kids because that was how many I had left.

Not sure when I changed, it was a few years ago, but now I say 5. I lost one and have raised a step daughter from a second marriage. I love them all but still miss my son Joshua terribly 29 years later. He will always be with me. I never took him “phishing” enough.

His life changed mine dramatically as I was always too focused on the future not realizing at the time that the future was not guaranteed. I vowed to live every moment and take as much joy as I can from every minute. His death also taught me not to sweat the small stuff.

If you have loved ones ask yourself what regrets would you have if they passed today and then fix those. I learned that lesson the hard way.

[randr]

5. We lost our daughter a long time ago

She was and still is my only daughter.

[Delmette2.0]

6. It was two years before I was asked, how many children.

I simply said that " I raised two boys". No one has asked further. I seriously don't think I could reply without crying. It's been 3 almost 4 years.