My dad died a year ago, my mother two years ago

[RFCalifornia]

My relationship with them was, well, complicated

I still loved them both, despite the complications

But after their deaths, I started having lots of dreams about them

Even before my dad's death -- he had a stroke that left him in a very compromised state for seven years -- I would have dreams of him suddenly coming to and back to his old self

In some of those dreams he would say how proud of the way I managed his money during his stroke days

In some of those dreams we were back at the family cabin

In some of those dreams we were at a hotel and I kept trying to find a way out

Anyway, those dreams are becoming less and less frequent

Even though I woke up stressed from those dreams, I miss them

Is this normal?

[SheltieLover]

1. Did you seek out bereavement counseling?

If not, you should, as what you describe your relationship to have been like has quite possibly resulted complex grief.

[RFCalifornia]

5. No. Like a lot of people I thought "I can handle this on my own"

Shyeah right!

Obviously I can't

My wife keeps pushing therapy, and she's absolutely right

I need to do that

[SheltieLover]

8. If your parents were in palliative or hospice care,

Contact that organization. They will provide 13 months of free therapy to support you through your "year of firsts," birthdays, holidays, etc.

How do you feel when you awaken from the dreams?

Please do seek therapy, preferrably with a hospice as that is their specialty.

[RFCalifornia]

11. That window has long since passed nt

[SheltieLover]

13. They can still provide therapy & likely havve groups

Group therapy is incredibly powerful.

[Rorey]

2. Yes, it's completely normal

Sometimes I felt that when I dreamt about someone who had died, it was them visiting me. I haven't had one in a long, long time, and I miss them.

[Siwsan]

6. The same with me

It is comforting, in a way.

[Siwsan]

3. My dad died of a misdiagnosed brain tumor. At first, in my dreams, he was still wasting away

Finally I dreamt about him in his casket. My brother and I were drinking a Manhattan toast to him, and he gave us a thumbs up. I will NEVER forget that dream. But then, every time he'd appear in a dream, he look healthier.

When my brother would appear to me in a dream, I'd always be so concerned that he might not realize he's dead.

I had a complicated relationship with my mom, and rarely dream about her. But when I do, she's like she was before the Alzheimer's set in.

As for my sister, that's all over the map. Sometimes she's healthy, and sometimes she's like she was, and in so much pain, just before she died of a neurological cancer. Like my dad, she wasted away.

[RFCalifornia]

7. I'm so sorry

Some people have it worse

At least I have my brother

[Siwsan]

9. I still have one brother

And my sister's daughter and two sons. My niece lives here, and I'm SOOO glad.

[RFCalifornia]

12. That's good

I'm glad I have at least one member of my family alive

[3Hotdogs]

4. Dreams about a recently deceased person you cared about are common. Also common,

you report them as becoming less and less frequent.


You are resolving and reliving thoughts and feelings you had when they were alive and you had conflicting feelings about him. You mention a complicated relationship.... (not to be answered here unless you want). What were the conflicts? What did you sacrifice? What did/do you feel about them now?

A most satisfying - but also unsatisfying realization about parents is that for the most part, they did the best they could.

Thats a lot of stuff to think about and I hope it gives you some answers.


3H

[RFCalifornia]

10. My dad and I had a very complicated relationship

He was a Silent Generation police officer. Did his hitch in the Army then came out West and was a beatnik for a few years, then cut his hair and joined the SFPD, then the CHP, then the SJPD

He came from a very Calvinist family and he was the black sheep, believe it or not

He was supposed to carry on and be a preacher like his father, grandfather, etc

Anyway, I was always a rebel. I started smoking at 13, started smoking pot at 14 and had my first hit of acid at 15

I always did things my way and my dad would always fight me on that

At one point literally (actually it was just him slapping me around and me running away)

At one point I went to a Pink Floyd concert, got busted for alcohol (I was 17) and the BART police called my dad

He told me to come home immediately, I said no and hung up

I came home to find all the posters stripped off my wall and we never spoke of it

Then I went to community college, transferred to a four year and eventually got my masters

He was a racist, and I married outside of my race

This did not seem to bother him

When he met my kids, he loved them as much as any grandparent would

I never sought out his approval or his pride, but back in my mind I wanted it

Later on we developed a much better relationship, after his divorce from my mom

When I joined the Peace Corps, he was all for it and told me he wished they had that when he was a 20-something

I would like to think he respected my standing up to him

I don't know if he did, I never asked him

When he had a stroke, I had to take over his finances

I sold his home and bought rentals that paid for his care home

He passed a bit over a year ago, and I had dreams all during that time

I would like to think he was proud of me, but I don't know

Maybe that's just wishful thinking

[Rorey]

16. He was very proud of you

As the mom of kids who did a whole lot of wild stuff after their dad died, I can assure you, he was very proud of you.

Just as kids are forever learning, so are the parents. I've changed SOOOO much since those "hell years" when my adolescent/teen kids were out of control.

[RFCalifornia]

19. Thanks

[RFCalifornia]

32. And seriously...

Thank you for BEING

Just being alive

We need you right now

[3Hotdogs]

25. You write about his hitch in the army.... WW II? Korea? Both were about that Silent Generation time.

If he was in combat, that fucked up a lot of heads..... one uncle and my father, included.

The problem with kids and parents -- the stuff that happens that kids misinterpret. The acid, Pink Floyd bust and so forth. Was he pissed because he thought you were a fucked up failure? Or was it because he gave a shit about you, your life and your future?

I bet we both know the answer to that one.. Now own it.

And goddam right, he was proud of you.

Before he died, I got to tell my father that he was a good dad. I hope you were able to do that also. If not, go outside and think of him and do that now.

[RFCalifornia]

29. Inbetween those

At the end of Korea, but he learned Vietnamese at the Monterey Language Institute

They parachuted in once, they did not know where, and they did Western Union translation from the telegrams

[lisa58]

14. There is no right way - it's about you - and I should be

This is you - your loss - your relationships and your healing.

Allow yourself to have it

[Rorey]

17. You are so right!

Every person is different, and every loss is different. There's no right way to grieve or to process loss. The important thing is to allow yourself to do it.

[Midnight Writer]

15. My parents died decades ago and I still dream about them.

Not as frequently as I used to.

These dreams are mostly pretty pleasant.

[RFCalifornia]

31. They are beautiful

Enjoy them

[marble falls]

18. You bet. I only had one dream about my dad. I was sitting in a chair with a chair board desk ...

... there was a crystal rocks glass of Dewer's on the desk, when I went to drink it, my dad just kinda appeared and took it gently from my hand and drank it down and smiled. I woke up.

I don't know what it means but it felt good to me. I like scotch, but I don't drink hard liquor.

[FuzzyRabbit]

20. My father passed away 30 years ago.

I occasionally have a dream about him, sometimes the dream takes place in the house I where grew up. The most recent dream was last week. It was good to see him again. After I woke up, I thanked him for visiting me.

I have missed my dad every day since he passed. We didn't always get along when I was a teenager, but I always knew he loved me.

[RFCalifornia]

30. Hold on to those because...

...they go away

Please enjoy them

[MFM008]

21. I lost my dad

In 2000
My mom in 2019.
I still dream about them both often
I still think about them both everyday.
We still have both of their urns in the living room together. I think it probably is normal and it would be whether your relationship with them was complicated or not.

[RFCalifornia]

22. We scattered my mom's ashes off the Golden Gate Bridge

My dad's in the Santa Cruz Bay

[MFM008]

23. Good places

But believe it or not my mom didn't like the water when we lived in Libya there's plenty of pictures of her at the beach but she never got in more than her feet .She never went swimming .
my dad loved the water he would take us kids swimming all the time. For now we just like the idea of them being together in the same living room they shared for so many years .

[Enter stage left]

24. My life with my dad was very easy, we both enjoyed the same things and loved spending time together.

He died in 1986, only 63 years old. Way too early.

I don't have many dreams I can remember, but I still dream of the two, or occasionally 3-4 of us fishing and spending time in his RV.

I hope I dream about him the day I die. I loved and still love my father.

Sometimes dreams are all you have left. Embrace them.

[RFCalifornia]

27. I will my friend :)

That is what I have been doing

[Rebl2]

26. I think

it’s normal. I think dreams sometimes are a way we make since of thing’s going on in our lives.
My Dad died a couple of months and haven’t had a dream about him since he died. I am surprised about that. My father had memory issues and my Mom has dementia. For the last several years I have had dreams about them being their pre-dementia selves. They aren’t younger in the dreams, they just don’t have dementia. I guess I am sad this is how their lives turned out.

[RFCalifornia]

28. I get it nt