My friend died and his "friends" are evil

[RSherman]

I dated my friend for close to 5 years. We had a stupid disagreement and we were both too stubborn to pick up the phone. In December, he drove himself to the hospital and he died. He was only 63. I am dealing with so much grief and guilt, on top of losing my best friend and travel buddy.

A mutual friend called from VA to let me know Scott was in the hospital and to call his neighbor for more info. I drove to her house. I was sobbing and begging her to take me with her when she went to visit. She lied and told me he was in the hospital in Schenectady. He was actually nearby in Gloversville. She told me I was on a "no visit" list. I talked to Scott's mother, sister, and daughters afterward and they said there was no such list. (His family did not have my contact info.) The last day Scott was still alive, the neighbor already had his vehicle, his ATV, his bank card, and his benefits card. She kept asking if I knew his PIN number. Scott had dated a woman before me for close to 20 years. I asked if anyone had contacted her and this person said they were purposely NOT calling her until after Scott died. Because this neighbor was going to try to get his house/land! So, this evil woman let Scott die thinking Kelly and I did not care about him.

This all happened Dec. 29.

Lately, another neighbor has been showing up at my house. Knocking, ringing the doorbell, yelling my name. I don't go to the door because I figure he wants something. Poor Scott thought these people were his friends. Well, the guy caught me outside today while I was shoveling snow. Sure enough, he said he had been to Scott's house looking for certain power tools and an expensive lithium battery radio. He wanted to know if I knew where they were or if I had them. Then he claimed Scott owed him $400 and he wanted it from me! What the hell! People are horrible and now I'm all upset again.

[ShepKat]

1. I despise

the way some people turn into junk yard dogs fighting for scraps after someone passes. It's sickening.

[LoisB]

2. His "friends" sound more like vultures.

[calimary]

17. No kidding!

“Vultures” is a good word for it. And for them.

I’m sorry you have to go through this. Thanks for being a TEAL friend and not just a pretend one or fair-weather friend.

[RSherman]

23. Yes I really cared

I really cared about Scott. He became disabled last October. Unemployment ran out in December. I filed papers to get him disability through his job and he was denied. He applied for benefits through the county. He needed his birth certificate so I ordered and paid for that. I paid his bills for 3 months until he got benefits. His mother is 83 with Parkinson disease and no money so I paid for Scott's cremation. Then these vultures come around saying they were his best friend. So upsetting.

[Skittles]

30. you are a fine person

Scott died knowing he had a real friend.

[CousinIT]

3. What disgusting people! I'm so sorry your friend died thinking those ...

...who cared about him didn't -- and believing those who didn't care about him did. That is so damn heartbreaking.

[IA8IT]

4. Parasites are shameless. So Sorry you have to deal those creatures.

[Baitball Blogger]

5. It's like the body snatchers really did happen and this is the kind of alien we have to deal with.

Sorry about everything you're going through.

[Karadeniz]

6. I'm sorry you've had these predators on top of your grief...

[irisblue]

7. I am sorry for the loss of your friend

[Tetrachloride]

8. Very sorry for your troubles. My sincere condolences.

May I suggest a visit to the police station for a chat.

A balance of diplomacy and your rights.

[Marthe48]

9. Scott knows now

I hope you find comfort in the idea that his spirit is free and he is free from the greedy manipulators who lied to you.

Can you report them for elder abuse?

[Warpy]

10. The most polite response to any of these leeches is "Fuck off!"

and I sincerely hope you used it. If not, start, as in "I don't have that stuff, fuck off."

Anything from your friend has to go through his family, and I'm betting that's the response the leeches have already gotten from then, so they're trying to lean on a nicer person (you).

It's tough when you've broken off a friendship after a quarrel and suddenly there is no way to make up. Nothing is as final as death. However, you need to remember that it was a two way street, and there was a big roadblock at his end of it, also. You're a loose end he never tied up and he's a loose end you'll never get to tie up.

What you can do is maintain some contact with his family. Warn them about the grabby "friends" banging on your door. Later, you might share some snaps of your travels, that sort of thing.

Just don't feel guilt. He could have called you, also, especially if he hadn't been doing well. The burden isn't entirely yours.

[RSherman]

14. Thank you

Everything you wrote is spot on. And I have now established a relationship with Scott's mother and sister. It is helping. My pastor said the same thing--try not to carry Scott's weight on top of my own. I did write a long letter to Scott's mother telling her of all our adventures. I made copies of great photos for his mother, sisters, and daughters. Thank you to all of you for your kind words. This has been incredibly difficult and complicated. Grief is bad enough, but combined with guilt is so hard.

[Quakerfriend]

26. You're a dear, RSherman and I'm certain

his family will appreciate what you’ve done.

As you said, the loss is hard enough without these evil ‘friends’ inserting themselves.

I had a similar situation when my mother died.

The POA should call the police and get them to contact the ‘friends’ and tell them they are not to set foot on the property. That worked in my case.

The ‘friends’ tried repeatedly to call my mother’s lawyer.
The lawyer refused to speak with them.

The family needs to step in & put a stop to this.
The ‘cockroaches’ will scatter once they realize
they are spotted.

[yardwork]

11. What you're describing is theft. Report it.

Have you told your friend's relatives that his estate is being stolen by neighbors?

It is evil and terribly sad. I hope that you have someone to talk with - a trusted friend, a therapist? - about your grief. You have suffered a complicated loss.

[2naSalit]

13. I agree.

[geardaddy]

35. +1

Call the police/sheriff

[2naSalit]

12. Call the police if they are coming to your home...

And demanding things from you, especially stuff/money they say your friend owed them. That's harassment.

People can really suck.

[Rebl2]

15. Exactly

You weren’t married to him, so they have no right to do this to you.
So sorry for the loss of your friend.

[TNNurse]

16. So very sorry, this is so tough.

My recommendation is to keep records and if someone calls or comes to you more than once, try restraining orders.

[Joinfortmill]

18. I'm so sorry for your loss. About the guy who showed up at your house...

Next time he shows up, if there is a next time, call the police. Take care.

[OMGWTF]

19. Our elderly friend in Arizona was so screwed over by his "friends". They wrecked his car

and then stole his insurance money check; cleaned out his bank accounts; and they even took out a second mortgage on his condo without his knowledge and then totally trashed his place as he lay dying in the hospital from a heart attack.

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is a belief in karma and that karma's only a bitch if you are.

[C Moon]

20. Those are some horrible people. You're right to stay away and ignore them.

[DFW]

21. There are just some really horrible people out there

And there's nothing we can do about it.

When it was time to divide up our parents' estate, we (my brother, ma sister and I) sat down, wnet through a list of their assets that my brother, the executor, had compiled, and divided the pieces up as best we could so that everyone came out equally. The last theing we wanted was to wreck our family relationship for the rest of our lives. We sent all the relatives away until we were done, and it took a few hours. Several years later, when it turned out that one piece of art, worth a few hundred dollars when my dad had inherited it from his mom in 1966, and since passed on to me, went way up in value, and I got a big offer for it, I made sure my siblings shared big in my windfall after taxes, and for the same reason--money would NOT be the reason for bad blood that we could never get rid of.

It doesn't matter if it's family or friends, arguing and fighting over the scraps of someone's material legacy is one of the basest forms of human behavior. I'm glad that the one time I had to be a part of it, we all came to the table peacefully and left just as peacefully. I would have been depressed for life if we had fallen out over material possessions or what money there was.

[Nasruddin]

22. Friends owed money

Tell the claimants, if they come by again, to take themselves to probate court or whatever the local equivalent is and make a claim on the estate. If no estate case has been filed with the court, in some places you can file a kind of notice, & one probably must
find a probate attorney to work out what can be done. That's their only recourse - they have nothing on you. It's harassment.

[IbogaProject]

24. If you know her name call in an elder abuse report

Maybe you can gum up the estate long enough for the state to find Any blood heirs? NY state only accepts typed notarized wills and specifically disallow written ones. Not an attorney just throwing ideas to maybe help the state catch a crook and limit her father exploits.

[Evolve Dammit]

25. Peole are horrible. I am sorry for your loss and hope for some sort of resolution where you can be

at peace.

[Demobrat]

27. Scott had a mother, sister, and daughters,

and this creepy “friend” stole his portable assets, and now thinks he can get the house? I had to read your post twice to make sure I had it right.

That “friend” is guilty of theft.

[cab67]

28. Was there a will?

If not, your friend’s family should meet with a probate lawyer post haste.

[dickthegrouch]

29. Tell all the 'visitors' that you are not the executor of his will.

If they think he owes them money, they should seek out that person. No, you don't know who it is, sorry.

Anything after that they must put in writing.

(You then use the documents as evidence of extortion, theft, harassment, etc.)

[Ray Bruns]

31. Then he claimed Scott owed him $400 and he wanted it from me!"

I would have told them to go pound sand.

[raging moderate]

32. They cannot imagine helping people as you have helped.

You mention paying the cremation bill because his mother is ill. And similar kind actions. These people hear about that, and it is something they would never do without a huge hidden benefit to themselves. So they assume you must secretly have access to a huge fortune in your dead friend's name. They are judging you by their warped standards.

You will always have the memory of your kind words and actions, right up to your last moment of life. You carry your reward inside you forever.

[Duncanpup]

33. Leeches

[Maraya1969]

34. I am so sorry for your loss.

I took a prosperity course years ago in my Unity church, and it seems like the biggest thing that will create prosperity in your life is generosity. You are a generous person you are prosperous, even if you don’t have tons of money because you are kind and caring. Thank you for being this way.

These people feel slighted, and they have a chip on their shoulder. They feel like they have been gipped out of money or other things in life. They are not happy. I went through this when my mother first got sick and she had put my brother as power of attorney. He then started stealing money, and I literally had to sue him to try to fix things. He is a Presbyterian pastor and he tells people he is a Christian but he and his wife did this greedy thing. I can’t imagine either of them feel good about it although I am sure they have their reasons, or rather excuses.

some people are best to stay away from.

[RSherman]

36. Thank you, Everyone

Thanks to you all for your kind, caring words. Thank you for a safe space to share my grief.

[TdeV]

37. So sorry for your loss.

Grief is good; it's a place for your love to go.
It's good that you're sharing with Scott's family; it's a good place for your love to go.
There are always regrets. And unfairness. Try to let them go.
Peace.

[murielm99]

38. I have seen this so many times.

People do become evil and greedy in the aftermath of a death.

My husband's family was terrible. I saw it coming years ago, though. My husband did not think his beloved brother would behave like a greedy jerk. I did. I have known him since I was a teenager, and I have never trusted him.