my mom is dying . . .

[DollyM]

My mother has fought a very brave fight with cancer the the last 20 months but it looks like the beast if finally going to win. I lost my son two and a half years ago and if it hadn't been for my mother, I would have killed myself. She has been my rock and my best friend. I have heard it asked, which is worse, a quick sudden death or a prolonged illness. My son's death was due to a car accident and he was killed on impact. The numbess and shock that I felt got me through several weeks, with this, I have watched my mother hang between 2 worlds for the last couple of weeks and I can say that this is truly worse. I wish there was something I could do. We have a mother/daughter routine of getting a Frosty from Wendy's every week. When mom mom could eat nothing else, she could eat a frosty. Yesterday, I took her a Frosty, they told me she hadn't eaten all day and was unresponsive. When I said the word "Frosty" she opened her eyes and sat up in bed and I spooned bits of frosty into her mouth until had eaten nearly the whole thing. The nurse was amazed, I told her it was because she had the two things she loved there, Frosty's and Me! Today I took her KFC mashed potatoes and gravy but they had medicated her due to having increased pain so I did not get a response from her at all. That was really really hard. I am going to pick her up some treats and take them to the hospital. They has said she can have whatever she will eat as long as it soft so she won't choke. So I am taking chocolate pudding, whipped cream, a fresh frosty and whatever else I can think of.

[boston bean]

1. My thoughts are with you Dolly.

This is a very difficult time for you.

Very sorry that you are going through this. Please try to stay strong. Your mom would want you to.

[Rhiannon12866]

2. Oh, Dolly, I am so sorry...

I can understand what you're going through. I lost my mother in September after she spent three weeks in intensive care. It was also the result of an accident and everything changed overnight. I'm still kind of in shock.

I visited my mother every day even though the hospital was over an hour away. This is important time that you're spending with your mother and you must be a great comfort to her. I'm hoping that this time will be a comfort to you, too. You are in my thoughts.

[auntAgonist]

3. My heart is with you Dolly. The relationship you've had with your Mother

will sustain you!

I lost my Mum in '97 to colon cancer. It's so hard !!! Do whatever you can with the time you have. Know that we are thinking of you and sending all of our love.



Please stay in touch ..

I sang to my Mother and held her hand. She knows you're there and that you love her.


kesha.

[applegrove]

4. vibes to you and your mom. My mom is going through a rough patch though we hope medication

helps. I try and get her stuff she likes for dinner too.

[ceveritt]

5. So sorry to hear this.

Dolly M:

You're doing all the right things for your mother. I hope you can take some comfort from that.

My late sister and I watched our father die by inches from cancer. All you can do is give them whatever they want or need.

For what it is worth, my thoughts are with you.

Best,

CE

[orleans]

6. with tears and love

dolly,

i hope so much that you have at least a bit of a support system. a good friend or two? another (close) family member.

is it possible for you to stay with her? overnight?

have you talked to her about what is happening? i tried with my mom--and i tried to be strong while we talked and she knew i was completely torn up over it. she died of cancer and the bizarre thing was we didn't even know she had it until two weeks before she passed on from it. and it wasn't until one week before she passed that the docs told me she might qualify for hospic--but they expected her to live longer than six months.

we must have said "i love you" a thousand times. we were so unprepared for this. it happened so quickly. it was probably the most difficult thing i've ever said--telling her it was okay to let go--that i would be fine (which i seriously doubted), that everything would be fine (knowing it would never be the same again). i told her she'd be able to see her mom and dad, and her sister, and my dad. and a hundred more times saying "i love you."

one of the most important things, i feel, i said to her was this: "i don't know how i'm going to do it--but i will find you again, mommy. i will find you again someday." and she looked at me hopefully and asked, "do you really think so?" and i nodded and said, "yes. i will find you--and we'll be together again."

i am so glad i told her that--and i felt so determined, and so completely certain that it was true--that it was something that i coulld absolutely accomplish because i loved her so much.

and with all the ADC that's been around this house for over two years (the signs and signals, the sound of the knocking between her bedroom wall and the living room wall in a rhythm we used as a signal to each other, the flashing light that hadn't worked in years and decided to randomly turn on and off for a few months, the tv shutting itself off, the smell of her perfume--so often, and the smell of buttered popcorn that hasn't been in this house since i made it for her the last time she had some--the synchronicities of so very many things--and when i ask her to give me a sign to let me know she's here i usually get it) the irony is she found me first.

the hardest thing was telling her it was okay to let go. probably one of the kindest as well. it so wasn't okay--but it had to be because, so suddenly, she couldn't stay.

tell her everything you need to tell her for now. even if she's medicated or sleeping. but even if you don't i'm sure your mom already knows. of course she knows.

i am so sorry to hear this about your mom. i've been under the impression that you have a small family like i do (it was just me and my mom and my daughter. at least i still have my daughter). but i hope i'm wrong--i hope so much you have someone who will help you through this change in your life--this next chapter. i don't want you to be alone.

my mom was my rock and my best friend too.

[livetohike]

7. Thinking of you and your Mom Dolly and sending you

lots of love....

I watched my Dad struggle with pancreatic cancer....I understand what you are going through and wish there was some way to ease the pain.

[GreenPartyVoter]

8. I am so sorry! *hugs* I lost both my parents suddenly to heart attacks, but pancreatic cancer took

my husband's mother. It was awful watching her waste away. She had a stroke from the meds and lost the ability to even communicate for the second to last week of her life. (Her final week was spent in a coma.)

I am so very, very sorry that you lost your darling boy and are now losing your mom like this. *hugest of hugs* I think you are doing a great job of finding ways to stay connected to her! I only wish I had some advice on how to get through it all. Do you have any other family or friends to be your support network?

[polly7]

9. Thinking of you and your Mom, Dolly

I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

[veness]

10. Peace and love to you and your mom, Dolly...

... and also to those of us in whom your story brings up intense feelings.

[auntAgonist]

11. How are you doing Dolly?

Just thought I'd check in and see how you're doing.

Sending good thoughts your way.

kesha.

[Paper Roses]

12. My thoughts are with you. I wish there was something I could say to help you.

Having lost both parents and then more recently my husband, I know what grief is. May you be strong for her and for yourself.
I hope the end is peaceful as your Mom comes to the end of her fight against that nasty and relentless disease.
Sometimes it is all too much to carry.

[pipi_k]

13. I'm so sorry...neither way

quickly or slowly...is easy.

[DollyM]

14. my mom has passed . . .

I took my mom home a week ago and got signed up for hospice. This morning, I woke up about 6:30 with an incredible sense of peace and just a feeling that my mom had passed. I went to check on her and she indeed had. At lease she had the chance to die in her own bed, surrounded by her three kitties, her dolls and the things she loved. Hospice was great, they came everytime I called and stayed with as long as I needed. The only thing that I was hoping would happen is that she would pass on the 31st or later. Today is my son's birthday who was killed in a car accident two years ago. But the more I thought about it, I bet they are celebrating and eating birthday cake together in heaven. And there is is all calorie free! LOL!

[Ecumenist]

15. Hi Dolly, I just read your story and was going to send you prayers for your mother's recovery before

I saw that she passed. Today is My birthday too and I am fighting cancer as well. I believe you're absolutely right to say that she and your boy are celebrating her entrance to heaven. The wonderful thing is that they are together again and she's no longer in pain and able to eat anything she wants now.....and one day, you will all be together again, trust me, I've had 3 NDE'S and those we love are waiting for us.

I really celebrated my birthday in a new way today because 365 days ago, I went into hospital to find out that not only did I have INTERNAL gangrene but stage 4 cervical cancer.

I still fighting and doing better well beyond what my doctors told me and my husband but I want you to know that your testimony touched my heart and I wanted you to know that, yes, I will be praying for your mom but I will also be praying for you. God bless you Dolly.

[DollyM]

16. cancer just sucks so much!

It is so hard when you are fighting a beast that is so sneaky and evil as cancer. My mom was fine one week, the cancer was gone from her liver where it had metastized at one time and then she got sick and dehydrated and the beast roared back to life in her lungs instead. At that time, we knew it was time to lay down our swords and let her have her rest.

[auntAgonist]

17. DollyM I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I have no words that will comfort, only this

Please take good care of yourself in the coming days.

You did right to "lay down our swords and let her have her rest"



kesha

[veness]

22. Belated Happy Very Special Birthday Wishes to You Ecumenist!

Am glad you are doing better. Peace and Love to you and to your husband.

[livetohike]

18. My sympathy on the loss of your Mom

Cancer is a horrible invader.....I'm glad your Mom was at home surrounded by things that she loved.

[Tsiyu]

19. Dear Dolly

Just found this group here and your thread.

Hope you are doing okay. Your story touched me.

I hope it comforts you to think they are together watching over you.

[orleans]

21. i'm very sorry, dolly

but what a day for her to pass.

it's been two weeks now. how are you doing?

[veness]

23. Their celebration continues, and they have Frosties too. n/t

Peace and love to you Dolly.

[Uben]

20. Dolly, so sorry about your mom.....

Today marks the end of the first week since my CArol passed. I'm still in a funk. I hope you don't have the chaos I experienced in the days following her death dealing with funerals, notifying people, and answering phone calls, but someone has to. BEware the vultures who prey on emotions, ie the funeral homes. May God give you the strength to endure this final stretch of saying goodbye to your mom. It is tough. Now that Carol's funeral is over, a sense of calmness now takes the place of the madness of scheduling appointments, administering medicines, worrying about their eating, etc. Grieving is a hard phase to get through, but nothing as harrowing as the last weeks and days of caring for a dying loved one. Peace will come, and you deserve it.

Uben

[EmeraldCityGrl]

24. My heart goes out to you.

I lost my eighteen year old son in 1997 just as you lost yours.
I joined a group, The Compassionate Friends," and they were
my life savers. One thing we learn are the triggers that bring
our grief to places we often feel we have managed thru. Losing
your dear Mother, your grief partner, may cause you to need a lot
of support. TCF is in almost every community around the world.
If you need the support contact them. I can't speak highly enough
about this group.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

[DollyM]

25. It's been a little over a month . . .

I am taking care of my mom's three cats and a dog at her house. I am not sure how long I can keep this up but I told her I would take care of her animals and I will. I wish someone would write a pamplet called "What to do when you are executor after someone dies" because I feel like I am rowing without a paddle on this stuff! I took my mom's taxes to be done and found that she owed 3000.00 dollars because she cashed in all her annuities to pay her medical bills and living expenses. I was in a panic because there is no money left of hers. Then had a meeting with her attorney who told me that the taxes are not my responsibility and not to file the tax return, when the IRS catches up with it, they will simply put a lien on her house so they will be paid when her house is sold (and that is a long time in the future). I didn't know the will had to be filed at the courthouse, good thing I talked to the attorney and he told me that. I am just wondering what else I am not doing right! sigh . . . I don't want to own anything when I die, it will be much less complicated!

[LaurenG]

26. My mom died a year ago last December

She was living with me and was still walking around and taking care of some things herself. She went to bed on the 6th and never woke up again. She donated her body to the University of Cincinnati and I just received her ashes last month. She wanted to be buried in Ft Bliss cemetery with my dad so I have to get her there.

I am still confused about things so I know what you mean about wishing for a pamphlet, plus closure has been difficult since we never had a funeral. We'll have one in May when I get her to Texas.

Death is a scoundrel, I hate that it takes those we love away and then leaves us with all these loose ends and broken hearts.