Anyone here?

[matt819]

Not a lot of activity in this group, so before I posted I thought I'd check in to see if anyone's here.

Contemplating divorce after 30+ years. Any experiences?

Surprisingly - or at least I think it's surprising - there's not much in the way of internet forums on this. Articles, sure, and lawyers. And a forum or two with not much more than a few posts. I read on one site that more than 600,000 people over 50 are getting divorced annually (not sure if that's 600K couples or 300K couples, but whatever). You would think there would be people sharing, agonizing, contemplating, commiserating, but that seems not to be the case.

[Laffy Kat]

1. I went through it a couple of years ago.

Everything was pretty good and we were friendly until we started to split the assets. There is a formula the courts use which takes into account years of marriage, both parties past earnings and earning potential, etc., and divides up accordingly. My ex interpreted division as me "taking his stuff" and I ended up having to get an attorney.

We really haven't spoken much since then, as he still has anger issues. But all in all I think ex must be happier now and I'm happy for him. He has a girlfriend he seems to have a lot in common with and recently purchased a house with her. I also have a house and am so much happier. Not interested in dating yet, and not sure I ever will be, but it was such a relief.

My advice is: try to go through mediation first and be prepared to give up half your marriage estate. Just take it for granted that your life will never be the same but it will eventually be better for everyone.

My only regret through it all was that I didn't do it ten years sooner because that's when the marriage was over.

By the time I got my final divorce decree, I felt nothing, no sadness. It was just like putting a period on the end of a sentence to signify an end to something.

Good luck.

[mnhtnbb]

2. Yes.

This Friday I will walk away from a 32 year marriage. Have been thinking about it for years and almost did it about 8 years ago.

It remains to be seen where I'll end up living. Until the end of March, I've rented a furnished beach house. In my state the court requires you to be separated for a year before filing for divorce. During that time we presumably work out splitting assets.

I'm toying with the idea of living in Europe for a year when it's all over to see if I'd like to live in France or Italy or Spain or decide to come back to the US. Trouble is,where? I'd like to be close to water and would love to not need a car. Hate the gun culture here. And would prefer a blue state, no snow, and affordable. Where???

I am 66 and not looking for another relationship. I think it's time I take care of me.

[mopinko]

4. 1 year out from divorce after 30 years. it's been hard.

i actually kinda feel worse now that it's all over. that has more to do w how the kids, adults, sorted themselves out after it ended. 5 kids and only one talks to me. lots of mental illness behind that, which only makes it harder to take.

the last 10 years were yoyo back and forth. dont feel like it was a failure. it just ended. wish i had just done it 10 years ago.
very glad that we built enough to support me without him.

it was hard, and expensive. if you think you can get it done through arbitration, do so. i dont think i would have gotten what i wanted w/o suing. we had to beat the snot out of him to get a decent discovery.

finding being alone after having family around me all my life tough, for the most part. but am glad not to be walking on eggshells all the time.

[socdem60]

5. socdem60

I'm surprised too that there's no activity on this site for over a year. I'm going thru a break up and wanted someone to talk to. I thought there would be many more here.

[Eliot Rosewater]

6. Didnt know this forum was even here.

[icymist]

10. I also had a really rough break-up.

This was someone who I loved dearly and still do. We had a really crazy summer when we met; stuck to each other like glue! Through the years we became so close that reading each other's thoughts happened all the time, even when apart at great distances. The time came when I needed to move to Seattle for activist work. We exchanged letters every day (before email) and sometimes, twice in a day! The activist work was beginning to culminate with a tour through the country after three years. We met again and had a great time before I had to finish the tour. When I got back to Seattle I received a single letter explaining how I was a malicious spirit! I tried writing back, making phone calls, only to find that they had moved and I was 'ghosted'. I could feel my heart sink. It was the worst feeling I ever felt.

[socdem60]

12. socdem60

Thank you icymist. Someday I hope to look back on my time with him as not a waste but as the best time I've ever had and nostalgia for the love that taught me so much.

[mnhtnbb]

13. I thought there would be more activity, too.

I know there are a number of people who have talked a little about recent separations or divorces in various threads about other issues all over DU, but mostly in The Lounge or on a thread in GD.

I'm 11 months in to a separation after 32 years myself. We don't get to actually file for divorce in our state NC, until after a year of separation. Drags things out unnecessarily in my opinion. Makes it hard to move on.

Even though it was my choice to leave, I'm still grieving the loss of the expectation it was for the rest of our lives. Not looking for another love. I figure I'll stop at being a two time loser and settle for finding or developing friendships.

I moved to a completely different situation about 40 miles from where we lived. Still working on selling the house. I really like my apartment in a high rise downtown building where I can walk to everything. Makes it feel like a new start to be in a new environment and not worry about running into him by chance.

Have you thought about the relocating?

[socdem60]

14. socdem60

I can't relocate for many reasons. Sometimes I wish I could. I'm not looking for another love either. I think I need to work on myself. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you do well in your new place. It sounds great.

[Eliot Rosewater]

7. Thanks for pointing out this exists here, this forum.

I am not going thru it but you never know if someday I could be.

My first divorce was easier in the long run because she was a bad person, bad mother, etc.

If I had to go thru it now it would be very hard on my heart and not romantically but physically.

What can I do to help?

I have a lot of 12 step experience, is there a Alanon type local group you can join for divorce?

[socdem60]

8. socdem60

I seem to find a need to put it out there, yet remain anonymous. I was with this person for 19 years we never married, no children. We stuck by each other through thick and thin and he was my best friend. Never any abuse, physical or emotional. He did the best he could for this break up, but I have waves of hurt that come over me that are devastating. I know it's over and will never be again. I guess I'm looking for ways to cope and get on with my life. I don't think there are any groups like Alanon, for heartbreak. I've been to Alanon meetings not for this person, but I know what it's about and know the 12 steps. The fact that someone answered helps a lot and I thank you.

[Eliot Rosewater]

9. U R Welcome.

What makes a liberal a liberal is compassion, empathy.

You know I have no answers, and you arent looking for them either.

What you hoped and you were right was that our community would care about an anonymous person, and my reaching out was in no way an attempt to go beyond what we are doing here in the open, I am married and I would never do anything but this.

Keep posting and talking, it will help.

[socdem60]

11. socdem60

Oh, I know that. Actually, your mention of Alanon reminded me of the serenity prayer. Even though I'm an atheist the words make sense for me now.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

15. I was married for 25 years, then he met someone else he decided he'd rather be with.

I was completely blindsided. My only regret is that I didn't move faster on the divorce because I foolishly kept thinking he'd come back. Had I done so, I'd have gotten more money because he felt pretty guilty about leaving at first. Oh, well, live and learn.

I relocated some 800 miles and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I started a new life, have friends, bought a small house, retired several years ago, and am far better off than I'd be if I'd stayed in the old city.

The worst part was losing his family. They mostly live several hundred miles in a different direction from my marital home, and while we weren't terribly close I did see them every so often and liked them.

Anyway, as tough as divorce can be, as difficult as it can be to start a new life, whether or not you relocate, if the marriage is over, leave. And I rather doubt that the older couples divorcing are all wealthy.

Oh, and check into Social Security, especially if you were the lower earning spouse. Once you've been divorced for two years and are at least your full retirement age, it is possible to file a claim against the other person's account. Get specifics.