Looking for some advice. We are out of our depths and quite lost at sea...read on.

[NewHendoLib]

This deals with our daughter.

She lives a few hours from us - has been married nearly 7 years. I won't go into any details beyond this except it was never a particular good marriage on many levels. It always takes 2, but ....

She and her husband work at the same place. Their communication has degraded - she's had a tough time with life in general, and made a bad decision (it was an internet dating match) - but now things are escalating really quickly and we are deeply concerned.

Here is how this began (and I am cutting out lots of details to get to the nub of this post) - she became friends with a man she worked with - he probably treated her decently and they hit it off. Her husband apparently (I am going to use that word a lot, because we only have one side of this - and it is unclear if she is absolutely being truthful with us) has been furious - she claims he started a rumor about our daughter and the other man (who is married) - it got up to the company mgt and both she and her friend were fired.

Her husband is denying he started the rumor. He is gaslighting her - saying he loves her while (apparently) costing her the job. She is very angry - wants nothing to do with him. His parents have a cabin nearby and she wants to stay there - while she was here for the weekend he put up no trespassing signs. He wants her back in the house - she doesn't want to be there with him (he is volatile, has guns, is part of a religion where the male is the head of the family - a weird holy roller type - but also a true trumper type)

He was divorced previously under similar circumstances.

My other daughter was visiting us also - she set her sister up with a new on line bank acct, helped her change her passwords - she's really been great providing support. She helped her sign up for unemployment.

All of the above is about finding out what her rights are. We know she wants a divorce - but in NC it is a mandatory separation for a year and a day. She is trying to get an appt with a divorce lawyer to get a handle on where things stand for her legally (what he can and can't do - in terms of taking all of the money for himself, etc) and what steps she needs to take - restraining order? etc.

My wife and I are shell shocked. She is 36 years old, an adult - my wife and I have never dealt with this sort of issue. We are worried for her safety, and her mental state. She is stoic, but clearly depressed and angry - and she is staunchly anti-therapist/counselor.

Our advice is that she probably has to go back into the house and cohabitate so she can't be considered as abandoning him. But...her safety.

What a mess. We are in shock over all of this.

[elleng]

1. Get her a lawyer, NO 'go back into the house and cohabitate,'

not when violence is possible; I left our house after husb hit me.

That's MY view, and not in NC.

[NewHendoLib]

2. we are working on that as fast as we can. At this time it is 1.5 weeks away - too long

so we are working for much sooner. Lots of phone calls will be made on Monday.

The thing is escalating faster than my wife and I can comprehend.

[markie]

3. it hurts when kids hurt...

she needs legal advice... damn state laws, that is untenable... safety is #1 and she is in a really tough spot... I am so sorry

seems if she could get courts to understand and get restraining order or some such thing... I have seen too much in my life

[NewHendoLib]

34. All in play - we will know more tomorrow -

hoping she decides to come live in our house as she works through, and a lawyer asap.

thank you.

[Wild blueberry]

4. Her safety and wellbeing come first

She needs to be somewhere safe. Long visit with you? Sister? Female friend?
She needs to get legal advice ASAP, which it sounds like she's doing.
Other DUers will have useful advice.
Meanwhile, you and your wife take good cares of yourselves, too.

[NewHendoLib]

33. thank you. She may be here with us tomorrow. We will know more in the AM.

your suggestions are appreciated.

[montanacowboy]

5. Get her out of that house

and away from husband. Hire a good lawyer.

[McKim]

15. YES, She is in danger!

Yes, she is in danger. These macho types get very unhinged when women leave or try to leave. Don’t waste any time!

[NewHendoLib]

32. yes indeed - agreed - thanks.

[dweller]

6. No children ?

Don’t worry about cohabitation/abandonment thing, it’s a non-issue … she can go for whatever reason she states …
I’m assuming that it’s not just the work situation, but culmination of many things that you are not privy to, yet

She could probably get some support and guidance at a woman’s center if there is one local, they can suggest legal sources she may need also

It’s a tough situation any way you look at it, but she should be ok

I’m in NC …

✌🏻

[NewHendoLib]

31. thanks so much.

we hope to know more tomorrow - it's been quite a drama filled evening, but the offer for her to come live with us is on the table.

[SheltieLover]

7. Safety 1st, NHL! No cohabitating.

Get legal advice & find her somewhere to stay. With you & Mrs? Sister? Female friend?

[NewHendoLib]

30. Us! The offer is there. It could happen tomorrow. Still a very rapidly changing situation.

thanks, friend!

[SheltieLover]

37. Yw

[druidity33]

8. Well if she suspects he could become violent...

she could file for a restraining order. That would probably nullify the need to cohabitate. I'm no lawyer. A close friend of mine from long ago managed to get away from her abusive spouse, but it took a restraining order and dealing with the cops and the courts. He did not have firearms but had hit her and pushed her on prior occasions.

[NewHendoLib]

29. that may be what happens next - tomorrow - we will know more then.

thanks.

[pnwmom]

9. NO! If divorce requires a mandatory year of separation, why would you advise her to cohabitate?

I don't get it.

She needs a lawyer to give her good advice. If you can help her get one, that would be the best way to help.

Here's a page from a judicial website in North Carolina. (I've just included a few excerpts; she should read the whole thing.)

https://www.nccourts.gov/help-topics/divorce-and-marriage/separation-and-divorce

How can I get legally separated in North Carolina?

A separation agreement or other written document is not required to be legally separated in North Carolina. To be considered separated from your spouse, you need to be living in different homes, and at least one of you needs to intend that the separation be permanent. In general, you are not legally separated if your relationship has ended but you still live in the same home, or if you live in separate homes without the intent to be permanently separated (for example, for work purposes).

What are the requirements for a divorce in North Carolina?

You are eligible to file for divorce, also called an “absolute divorce,” only after being separated for at least a year and a day. This means that you must have been living in different homes and that at least one of you intended that the separation be permanent during that time. To file for a divorce in North Carolina, either you or your spouse must currently live in North Carolina and must have lived in the state for at least six months before the divorce case is filed.

What happens if I don’t file for property division or spousal support?

If no one files for property division (by filing a claim for “equitable distribution”) before the absolute divorce is final, both parties forever lose the right to ask a court for a property division. If this happens, you keep only the assets that are either titled in your name or in your possession. If you own any property in both names, this property will stay in both names even though you have divorced. The same rule applies to debts.

If no one files for spousal support before the absolute divorce is final, both parties forever lose the right to ask a court for alimony. Because a divorce permanently cuts off the right to equitable distribution and alimony, it is important to contact an attorney to assist you in preserving your rights.

[NewHendoLib]

28. thanks - and we want her out of there - but she has to want to, and

at this point he is screwing with her "stuff" (clothes, etc) - but she is welcomed to live with us. We will feel better when we have good legal advice - hopefully that is soon.

I appreciate your response and the time and care you spent on it - it is very useful. thank you.

[Gaugamela]

10. If NC law requires mandatory separation for a year to get divorced, then why would

she go back? Unless I’m misreading something here. . .

Anyway, if the situation is dangerous, either for her physical safety or mental safety, then she should get him out of her life. It sounds like she’s already suffering from years of emotional abuse, and there’s probably a lot more beneath the surface that she’s not communicating. I’d say support her decision to leave.

[NewHendoLib]

27. absolutely. It is about her getting her basic things she needs right now

it is such a rapidly changing situation - we will know more tomorrow, but we are happy to have her live with us as this gets resolved.

thanks for your response.

[judesedit]

11. Posessions are replaceable. She is not.

If he has guns, don't let her go back there for any reason right now. When he's not home and she can get cops to go with her to get some of her things, maybe.

[NewHendoLib]

26. thank you. agreed.

[MLAA]

12. Wishing you all the best for your daughter and you.

The suggest made above about contacting a women’s center in her town or nearby sounds like a great resource to answer many questions and provide support.

[NewHendoLib]

25. thanks - great suggestion...appreciated.

[Karadeniz]

13. Why would she cohabit when they legally need to separate? She needs to get a restraining order,

but who knows if he would respect it. He will find her if she stays with you or her sister. Being out of pocket is a problem, but maybe she has a friend he doesn't know much about whom she could live with. I would consider her husband's religious affiliation as supplemental grounds for the restraining order and divorce. We went through this recently with my stepdaughter and feared for her safety. She'd moved about three hours away and had her two sons living with her and it all ended quietly. All the best to everyone concerned. Keep us posted.

[NewHendoLib]

24. Agreed - but it is complicated by the fact he keeps taking/moving her "stuff"

thanks for your comment. We are happy to have her here with us while she proceeds through this ordeal - but we need that first key step - legal support - hopefully very soon.

[Karadeniz]

35. All she needs are her clothes and basics. Everything else will remind her of a bad marriage.

[NewHendoLib]

36. exactly.

she needs to extricate herself from him - he runs the bank acct, which is a biggie - we are trying to get clarification on her car, and phone.

He is being very erratic.

thanks for your comment. appreciated.

[Dan]

14. Safety first.

No kids…

No job…

Get her the hell away from NC and that man. Pack her up and move her “home”., she can always locate to another state and get a divorce.

[NewHendoLib]

23. Thanks - yes indeed.

[LT Barclay]

16. I'm going to offer a perspective that is not very uplifting, but may help you put things in

perspective...
My sister went through a horrible 1st marriage and if I talked to her, she'd have me convinced her ex and daughter are crazy and I would start to believe it. If I talked to the ex, he'd have me convinced my sister and her daughter were crazy, and if I talked to my niece, you guessed it, I'd start to believe the other 2 were crazy.
I had a similar situation with a friend of mine, his wife and her daughter.
So I came to the realization that they are probably all nuts. It didn't fix anything, but it helped me deal with things a little better.

[OldBaldy1701E]

18. Now, Mr. Barclay...

Have you been tinkering with the holodeck again?

(Sound advice, btw. Been there myself a few times. I am not saying that they are, in fact, all nuts, but one just cannot rule it out. Especially when one finds oneself where you have mentioned... getting the 'lowdown' from each person as if the other were the sole cause of all the trouble.)

[LT Barclay]

20. If I could find the holodeck again, I probably wouldn't leave. Things are crashing here too.

[NewHendoLib]

22. Thanks - and you touch on something important -

how to get to the bottom of things - the truth. Hence my saying it always takes 2 - even if it is 99% one person's fault, 1% the other.

[Randomthought]

17. Go to Nevada

6 weeks to establish residency. Divorce in as little as 10 days.

[cilla4progress]

19. I do divorces as a licensed non-attorney advocate in Washington state

Divorce law is very state-specific.

Here is a website (parallels in many states) that will have some useful info to get her started.

I'll dm it to you too.

https://www.lawhelpnc.org/

[NewHendoLib]

21. thanks - I answered your DM.

Our older daughter just flew back to WA today - she's been great providing support to her younger sister.