Ladies: Here's 50 Things You MUST Know to Keep a Man

[BainsBane]

The first thing you should know is that according to a list published on Wall Street Insanity, men are fragile babies who can't stand to have their women disagree with them in public, gain weight or watch a chick flick without getting a blowie after. (I need you to know that writing blowie literally made me feel itchy and like I need to take a shower. Is blowie the new moist?) The second thing you should know is that whoever wrote this is a fucking idiot.

This list, which promises to "help you help him to create a strong and lasting relationship with just about any guy" (what? Is that a Freudian slip), lets the women reading in on a little secret: Men will never understand women, so women have to learn to understand men. Good news, though, men are so easy to understand that instructions on how to take charge, keep them content, and get what you want can be boiled down to 50 easy-peasy bullet points. (And if you don't get it, the author will provide you with a private tutorial.) (Gross.)

He hates that short haircut. This is the reason Jennifer Lawrence can't. land. a. man. Sorry J-Law, truth hurts. Fuck what you want your hair to look like, your partner's preference is all that matters.
. . .

You should always take his side. Look, it doesn't matter if he's just said that the moon is made of Courtney Stodden's crystallized tears or that Sarah Palin would make an excellent president because she's been keeping an eye on Russia from her house and they haven't attacked IN YEARS, if it's in public you just smile and nod because any challenge to his intellectual authority is going to tax your relationship and have you on the first bus out to LONESOMEVILLE. You can say whatever you want in private (we are in the year 2014, after all), but if you so much as suggest that he may be incorrect while other people (the author doesn't qualify who these people are, only that they are the public) are around, he will never forgive you. Never ever.

http://jezebel.com/ladies-heres-50-things-you-must-know-to-keep-a-man-1549300629?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

Original list: http://wallstreetinsanity.com/50-things-every-woman-should-realize-about-men/

Take note, women. This is the kind of great guy you're missing out on if you don't follow the list:

[seabeyond]

1. pffft.... i gotta play with this later. sounds like a hoot. and video too. but....

right now. i need, gotta watch some tv with my son. lol. tis a date. community. dvd and a half more to see.

[theHandpuppet]

2. OMFG-- was that for real???

Ewww...ewww... ewww!!!

[Tuesday Afternoon]

3. I had to go to YouTube and look up this video just to read the comments -

so.worth.it. Hilarious.

[VanillaRhapsody]

4. If men are as truly juvenile as this writer suggests....

then I don't want one....I would rather have a man than a boy.

[BainsBane]

5. #39--Doors!

39. You Should Let Him Open Doors For You

It’s great that you’re all liberated and shit, but being a gentleman never goes out of style. Let him do those little things and it will make him love you more.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

6. now then, if only there was one for breaking bread and the list would be complete!

[Tuesday Afternoon]

8. Dimitri is hilarious and the perfect example of How a Man lies on himself.

Every statement exposed him to be doing exactly what he proclaimed Not to be doing. Classic! I LMAO. Thanks for including it.

[MadrasT]

9. Why would I want to follow a list of dumbass rules to snag a man?

If somebody doesn't like the way I am without bending over backwards to cater to them, I don't need 'em around.

[ismnotwasm]

10. I just played that in a room

Full of female nurses and laughing so hard.

I read a bit of the list too
Doors!

[kimbutgar]

11. I dated a dimitri type once

Met him in a nightclub, Harvard grad architect from a wealthy family. He seemed nice at first on the second date he criticized my outfit, on the third date he told me I was "lucky" he asked me out on the fourth and final date I told him adios. He got angry at me and said to me I was throwing away a great catch blah blah blah. He would call me now and then to see if I changed my mind because "he was the best I could get". Thank god for caller ID. I finally got rid of him when my boyfriend now husband answered the phone and told him to leave me alone because he was going to marry me someday ( I didn't know about this conversation until we were married) but I had told him about this jerk.

[Squinch]

13. I think we've all dated a Dimitri type once.

Also, I think he posts here...

[BainsBane]

15. . . .

[Squinch]

18. .

[Squinch]

12. OH MY GOD! Dimitri! The king of the land of CREEPY!!!

[awoke_in_2003]

14. If I was afraid

of my wife disagreeing with me in public I would never go out Seriously, men need to grow up and stop acting like asses.

[BainsBane]

16. I don't think anyone mistakes these guys for all men

but rather a certain type.

[awoke_in_2003]

17. Oh, I know...

but there are far too many of them. They are an embarrassment.J

[OregonBlue]

19. OMG. That's all I can say!! OMFG.

[boston bean]

20. Dimitri, there is a reason you are "completely" single.

[Threedifferentones]

21. Mr. Lebowski asked:

"What is it that makes a man? Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost?"

To which The Dude replied:

"Well, that and a pair of testicles."

Judging by this list, my penis must be imaginary. How else can we explain the fact that none of this describes my personality, nor the tendencies of the women I have fallen for?

[niyad]

22. no way I was going to watch the video-so I went to the original article. UGH UGH UGH

that is 2 minutes of my life I will never get back!! just reading "girls" started it. read the headers for each, could not be bothered to read each description.

hey, chuckles, I have a question for you. why in the HELL would you think any woman would even want to be in the same room with a fool who is as insecure, and stupid, and jealous, and clueless as your list indicates, much less be in a relationship with said doofus?

now where is my brandy???

[Sheldon Cooper]

23. 24. He Has No Interest In Shoes

Really? Hmmmm..... so *that's* where I went wrong.

[Flatulo]

24. I thought this was a joke at first. Dmitri is about the most disgusting jerk imaginable.

How can someone be so full of themselves, so arrogant?

Amazing, just... Amazing.