First Sign Of Dawn by Josiane Curtis

[redqueen]

I was in 4th grade the first time I remember being told by a man to smile. I was out to dinner with my mother and friends of hers, and I was in a bad mood because she’d forced me to wear a dress. I was an early and hardcore adopter of the silent treatment, and I refused to order food and sat tight-lipped at the table for the entire meal. (I was not always a joy to be around – I’ll admit.) After delivering the table’s entrees, the server, a middle-aged man, bent and whispered into my ear, “You’re a pretty girl, but you’d be a lot prettier if you smiled.”

...

Women are warned early in our lives not to walk alone late at night in the wrong parts of town. We are taught to grasp keys between our knuckles if we think we’re being followed, to never invite a man we don’t know back to a private location. We are taught to yell “fire” instead of “rape.” But this man, like the many who had told me to smile or cat called before him, made me feel violated in a public place, in broad daylight, in the midst of an activity that was supposed to make me feel strong. And what’s worse, in the days that followed, a number of the people I confided in not only made me question whether I was overreacting to his actions, but made me wonder whether I might have been responsible for them myself.

...

I think of my male loved ones, some of whom are the most kind, gentle human beings I could ever dream up. I try to imagine what it must feel like to know you might unintentionally cause fear simply by being male, through no fault of your own, through nothing you personally have ever done. The first thing to understand is that this fear is not an example of misandry; it is a byproduct of patriarchy. And although I can acknowledge how bad it must feel to be inherently feared simply for being male, it is still worse to be inherently afraid simply for being female.

...

One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes is, “When you know better, you do better.” The scariest thing about the Isla Vista shooting, for me, is that I don’t really know if Elliot Rodger knew better. He was a member of a very active community of men who believe that a woman’s sole purpose in this world is to bend her body to a man’s will. Most women, and yes, most men know better than that. But to shrug and say, it’s a shame, but not all men are like this one, isn’t doing any better. Telling the stories is doing better. Listening to the stories is doing better. Continuing the conversation, beyond computers and in our communities, with elected officials, with our loved ones, and especially with our children, is doing better. Let’s start there.

http://thisrecording.com/today/2014/5/30/in-which-he-did-not-try-to-touch-me-again-after-that.html

[ismnotwasm]

1. Finally got a chance to read it

When I was around 5, I got my first Barbie doll. One of my fathers friends took at look at it, pulled down it's top and said "these things have boobies and everything"

When I was 7, a male babysitter (he must have been a kid) beat off on my bed and touched me in the genital area. My younger sister, knowing no better, sat on her bed and laughed. When our father found out, I believe he would have killed the kid--he never found him.

(I was always told I was "the pretty one", and was 'Daddy's' favorite, which mostly meant going places with him listening to his sexist, racist monologues -- there was actually a neighbor who told me "you took the pretty pill and your sister took the ugly pill"--this might have been because of her behavior-- she took absolutely no shit and was always getting into fights----((she's a ruined woman now, on drugs and full of self hate, she reminds me of those early feminists who fought until they couldn't fight anymore. No, she would never claim to be a feminist, more's the pity))--which horribly hurt and damaged my sister-- who of course developed severe acne as a teenager. She never got to be 'the pretty one')

Anyway, A year or so later, we had the 'neighborhood pervert' he was always trying to touch girls. I had a skirt on and he put his hand up my shirt, I went and put pajama bottoms on, because I wanted to play with the other kids. He swung me up in a tree and started rubbing my thighs and asking me "does that feel good?" I was embarrassed and left. It finally stopped when he pulled down the bathing suit of another little girl. Someone called the police.

And we girls? We little girls? We thought that was the way it was. Not that it was"ok" but it just happened sometimes.

Because of this, For most of my life, if you asked me if I had been molested as child, I'd tell you 'no' and I'm still not sure

There were many other small incidents as a preteen. (as a teen, most of us could write a book) When I was 12 my father-- who has has own and many, problems, was almost proud when he told me his friend was ogling me as I walked down the street saying how much he'd like to fuck me. My father relayed this to me as soon as possible with great delight, because he told him "that's my daughter, Bob" embarrassing the man, and reinforcing my status as "someone's daughter"

ON the other hand, Women generally feel 'safe' around my husband, not immediately of course, but he has the most non-perv presence of any man I've known, even his flirting is gentle. He tells me our sex life is sacred, taught me that sex could be sacred, not in the religious meaning, but in mutual respect, and reciprocal pleasure.

And how many men whose eyes and whose "locker room talk" discussed me not as a human being, but a collection of body parts to be evaluated, an object to be obtained as conquest, I'll never know.
How many unsolicited sexual comments I've gotten minding my own business, I'll also never know. Too many to count.

[redqueen]

2. Thank you for sharing all that.

You're too painfully correct - most of us could write a book. I could write a few volumes myself.

The luckiest of us simply don't remember

Telling the stories is doing better. Listening to the stories is doing better. Continuing the conversation, beyond computers and in our communities, with elected officials, with our loved ones, and especially with our children, is doing better. Let’s start there.

[nomorenomore08]

3. A perfect example of why "Not all men!" misses the point completely.