Thank you for this group...I hope I can post...I started to then chickened out..

[angstlessk]

hope to see many more stories..I know they are out there

[hrmjustin]

1. DU wants this to be a place of healing, comfort, and safety.

[angstlessk]

3. I was raped when I was 11 and there were many things I did that were wrong

I got drunk...and my mother blamed me..and I was in Catholic school ( I am sure my mother told them) and the nun told a story of how a girl who had a choice between being raped and being killed chose to be killed...and I felt even worse..cause they did not give me a choice.

[hrmjustin]

5. It is so sad how people can react the wrong way even thought they love us.

I decided not to tell my mother for several years after. I just could not face her and tell her that. I came out at 15 and it happened to me in senior year. I had a nervous breakdown but I refused to tell my mother. I told my older brother and he wanted to kill him but I was able to talk him out of that.
We did not choose this.

[angstlessk]

7. I am sorry for your trauma..

I would never say glad to see someone who had it harder than me...but it helps to see others who had a similar time...and I hope you/others can say how you/they overcame the guilt of being raped/sexually assaulted

[hrmjustin]

8. Well they guy who did it passed away in his late 20's because in his earlier 20's he contracted

HIV/AIDS. He died a lot quicker than most people with HIV with proper meds. His just stopped working and he got really sick. He asked for my forgiveness and I gave it to him. It made it easier to let that go but I still have a lot of hang-ups with men. I feel uncomfortable in a group of all men especially when they are bigger than me even though I am 6 foot 200 pounds.

I am sorry that you went through what you did. I hope that you have had healing. I am glad you started this post because I think people were unsure how to start.

[angstlessk]

9. WOW you are a kind person to forgive him

My problem is that I became sexual after the rape..though I had nary a sexual thought before...so wonder if I could forgive my rapist..

[hrmjustin]

10. You can forgive as a part of your healing process.

That does not mean it goes away. I forgave him because I wanted him to be able to die in peace. He was truly sorry. He was my boyfriend and I confronted him about cheating on me and he beat and raped me. He tried over the years to say he was sorry but I refused to give it. But when I heard from a friend he was getting really sick I talked with my clergy about it and I decided to give him my peace. He was very thankful that i forgave him.

This does not mean I am all healed but it was a big step and it help me let go a lot of pain. I think in the end you do have to forgive because it helps you get rid of some of the pain. We will carry all this to the grave but if we can unload a lot of it in this life than i am all for it. Forgiveness does not mean that there should be no punishment. I thought because I was a guy it would not be taken seriously. 1 in 5 women in this nation are raped in their lifetime. That is a horrific number. We need to do better as a nation teaching our young people about respect and the proper way to treat each other.

[Ms. Toad]

11. Unfortunately, I didn't have a lot of choice about my mother -

and it was fairly traumatic.

Back in the day when there were no cell phones, the only way to make a long distance call to my college for them to come to get me was to charge the call to someone they could reach - my parents. So then I needed to explain to my mother why I had needed to charge a call to them. The first words out of her mouth were, "Were you doing something you shouldn't have been doing?"

I know she loves me, and that she had a daughter who was hurting 1000 miles away, and wasn't thinking clearly. But it hurt tremendously and is the reason that I still have PTSD when talking to people I love on the phone when I expect strong emotions to be involved...and since the rapist harassed me by phone as well, it pretty much makes phones not my favorite means of communication.

[hrmjustin]

12. I imagine it is like a pit in your stomach when you are on the phone sometimes.

Sometimes we just react the wrong way and it adds another hurt.

[Ms. Toad]

16. More that I avoid making phone calls thatare likely to be emotional

Which can be a really bad thing, since it is hard to explain to my employers why I find it difficult to get around to making phone calls that would be trivial to others.

It is odd I can go for years without needing to say anything to anyone about avoiding phone calls. Then twice in a year friends suggested phone calls (rather than either written or face to face conversations), and I had to turn them down. Which creates its own little cascade. One of those friends now is very hesitant to ever suggest a phone call; the other forgot phone calls were hard for me and pressed for a phone call to minimize the time we needed for the conversation so I had to choose between having a very uncomfortable conversation - and not having a conversation I felt it was important to have. I opted to have the conversation, but remind him at the beginning of it so he understood any long difficult pauses.

[angstlessk]

13. I would say that is the same as my mother saying 'wash that filth off of your body'

Though SHE did not know what had happened YOU did..so it hurt like the dickens..and forever!

[Ms. Toad]

17. Yes.

As a mother, with a child who has gone through some very difficult times around sexual activity (prescription drug induced side effects), I really get the emotion behind my mother's reaction: a helplessness about being able to do anything to make fix things But yes, forever.

I have worked so hard to keep the lines of communication with my daughter open with what she is going through, because I don't want to pass that kind of poison on to her. But there are times that, even though I know what was driving her behavior, I just want to say, "How could you be so stupid?"

[MichiganVote]

2. Well I strongly support people subjected to the crime of sexual abuse in any form

So you state your truth whenever and however you want. And if anybody gives you shit, just call on me. Sexual abuse/assault is a preventable crime. Every voice counts, however it is heard.

[one_voice]

4. Take your time..

talk about what you're comfortable talking about. If you're not comfortable, maybe you can find strength and healing in someone elese's story of healing. No one is required to talk and no one will judge you. Take your time, your voice will come to you.

[angstlessk]

14. My rape did not just happen

there were many factors that happened before, that put me in that place at that time...and I feel I need to tell it all. It is not a novel, but it is a short story (1 page)...but without the background I think my rape either let's me off or accuses me..

[LadyHawkAZ]

6. There's no pressure.

You don't have to say anything unless you feel comfortable doing so. FWIW, I haven't told my story yet either, and I'm a host.

[angstlessk]

15. I want to tell my story..but with all the background it entails

could be lengthy and I would not let myself off the hook either..

[olddots]

18. it took me a long time to get the courage to post

I finally did and it disappeared with no clues as to why

[Sissyk]

19. Hi olddots!

Your thread is still here. Look right under this one.

[one_voice]

20. Your thread is still here...

right below this one.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1266274


edited to add: I see SissyK answered too.