Elder-caregivers
Related: About this forumThe week from hell
What a week it has been. My spouse and I are retired. We have had my spouse's mother in our lives and our kids lives for 30 years. We lived near her, she has lived with us during COVID, and after we retired begged her to move out west with us. She was stubborn and independent and stayed. We got her into assisted living and called and visited every 3 months. My spouse took care of all of her appointments and helped her with everything she needed for the entire 30 years we had her in out lives. She lived alone and we figured we were all she had. There are however, two other siblings. To call them useless and entitled is an understatement.
Over the past few months, our mother's health has rapidly deteriorated and was in need of a much higher level of care than the assisted living could provide. We spent 10K moving her out near us and covered the cost of the higher-level care from our retirement income. Both siblings initially said that they refused to contribute a dime towards the care needed. One sibling eventually contributed a small portion of money to help us cover the monthly cost. The other one said absolutely not. She is the one that came for a visit this past week. She is a card-carrying narcissist and as delusional as they come. She has raised hell the entire week until we simply stopped allowing her to communicate with us.
My spouse has power of attorney for health care. The other sibling has power of attorney for finances. The one visiting has no power of anything, is hated by her mother, and deludes herself into believing that only she knows what their mother would want. The mother has spent the 30 years telling us that she didn't want any kind of extraordinary medical procedures of any kind and signed a DNR 12 years ago. We know everything about her final wishes and to the burial details. The case worker was amazed that we had every single document signed and ready to go at the first care conference. The hated daughter had no idea any of these documents even existed. Why would she? She hasn't seen her mother in years because we always had to pay her way.
I know this long and probably a pretty typical storyline but the hell we just went through with this holy terror is unimaginable. There is no inheritance, no property, nothing of value. The insanity is strictly due to one sick individual and her delusions.
brer cat
(26,503 posts)You have obviously taken responsibility for your MIL's care and done all that you could to make her comfortable. I hope you find peace in knowing that you did the right thing regardless of whether you had help for the others.
MotownPgh
(373 posts)I am sole caregiver and I don't have time nor care what she thinks (or the 3rd sibling either).
I just do my best. They can visit and call dad any time they want, I really don't care.
But it must be tough if she knows her mom hates her.
cilla4progress
(25,981 posts)you are going through this!
Skittles
(160,331 posts)seriously
MLAA
(18,677 posts)Joe Nation
(1,038 posts)Nobody needs that kind of sickness in their lives.
LoisB
(9,025 posts)Every funeral, every holiday, every visit, every contact of any kind.
Nobody wants to write off a family member but geesh, there are just times you know.
LoisB
(9,025 posts)Tumbulu
(6,455 posts)Hoping that you can recover from the additional strain of the sisters visit rapidly!
slightlv
(4,445 posts)rough periods with our mom. I'm sorry to hear of your problems. These are not easy situations, and family should come together for the best of the person involved... but that seems to be the opposite in too many cases.
Like you, my sister and I split the powers between each other, but with the understanding that, unless it's an emergency the one will contact the other to run the solution by them before doing anything. It's worked well up til now. Mom lived with me and my hubby for a few years, but we never got help from my brother. Sis would take Mom for a weekend, or special nights when she didn't have to work the next day. We just keep the coms with my brother down to the absolute minimum and make our own decisions, since we're also pitching in money for her memory care.
XanaDUer2
(14,624 posts)I hope things run smoothly for every one