Suicide hit the mind today

[orleans]

16. you just passed your tenth anniversary here on du

this fall will make my 16th year (from what i remember)

one of the many things i have learned from du (and i'm pretty sure you've learned it too since you'e been around for so long) is that we are not alone. and i don't just mean that in a supportive-group kind of way.

i mean whatever it is that we are thinking or feeling or doing there are other people thinking, feeling, and doing the same thing. every now and then someone will admit to it.

for years i have occasionally said, during conversations with my adult daughter or my close friends, "and i know i'm not the only one who thinks this way" or "feels this way" or "is doing this." and that's because of what du has shown me across these years.

so i want to tell you--you are not the only one thinking this way or feeling this way. i have been sharing some of those thoughts right along with you lately. when my mom died ten years ago i went into a very dark place and stayed there for years. i'm not saying i'm back in that same place again, but i feel myself moving toward it once in awhile lately.

and while your mother is stopping you i guess it's my daughter that is stopping me. that, and the fact that i believe we continue to have an awareness after we die. so i would be aware of the hurt and suffering i brought to my daughter, and while she might intuitively know i was sorry to have hurt her, she would not audibly hear me telling her i am so absolutely fucking sorry.

i have thought, on several occasions lately, that if it gets bad-bad there's a hotline i can call. i don't feel like i'm there yet but it's there for me if i need it.

it's there for you too.

btw--what i wouldn't give to be able to say "my mother is what prevents me from going through with it." ... "my mother is..." present tense. i wish i was fortunate enough to be able to say those words but i'm not. and i think you know how lucky you are that you *can* start a sentence with the words "my mother is."

hang on to that.

you're not alone.