This may be it

[femmedem]

49. Dear, dear Baldy. Does your husband know you are so close to ending it?

I agree, you need someone to talk to. But maybe he is the person.

I share your anger that the cracks in the system are so large that even someone as creative and smart as you are (it's obvious from your writing) could fall through them and find yourself in this situation. And I find myself wondering if it would even be better to be briefly homeless so that you can get the aid you need and deserve.

The car, though. The Go Fund Me. I understand not wanting to beg. And yet, your husband or partner needs it as badly as you do, The car is your and his ticket to being able to sustain yourselves. Many, many people here would want to help. You wouldn't be begging. You would be asking. Here on DU, most of us believe we have a social contract with each other, and that those of us with something to spare should share it with those in need. We would be living our beliefs by helping to undo some of the inequality that we all abhor.

Worst case scenario: I have a dear friend who fell into a profound depression after his newlywed wife left him abruptly, taking their toddler daughter. He was catatonic with depression for more than a year. I think the only reason he didn't die by suicide was that his brother had hung himself and he saw the pain this caused his survivors. I didn't think my friend would ever return or be able to function. But when everything else failed, he had electroconvulsive therapy and he is back to normal: funny, smart, creative and connected again to friends and family. It's an extreme and scary thing, but it's an effective treatment for a life-threatening illness, which you have. It gave him his life back.

My point is that things can seem utterly, utterly hopeless, but they are not. As others have pointed out more eloquently than I can, that is only a thought generated by your depression.

One last question: when you reached out for help, did people know you are in imminent danger of ending your life? I want to believe that professionals would take that seriously. I have another friend who was literally on his way to drown himself but somehow he ended up getting inpatient treatment for a few weeks instead. Fast forward a few years and he is doing great: happy in his marriage, making enough money, even running for office with a decent chance of winning.