This may be it

[OldBaldy1701E]

78. Thank you so much for your post.

I really appreciate it. I am not really a procrastinator, but I am a staunch avoider of pain. And, as I have stated before, there are only one or two ways to die that will not cause any pain. So, I am stuck here until I finally figure out how to get over this obstacle. Once I do, then I can take stock of everything.

Ahh yes, the old 'concrete pads are cheaper than footings so to hell with the fact that it is below freezing for most of the year'. Our basement is the same. And get this, the idiot who owns the place had a nice wood floor installed but, in order to save a few bucks, they did not put in any insulating layer. So, his nice floor is covered with rugs because of the cold that seeps out of each joint in the flooring. Fucking brilliant, eh? I do hope you were able to enjoy the weather on Sunday. Our heater in the basement finally shut off for a while!

So, the vehicle situation has been handled for the time being. The starter was replaced because the first one they put in failed, and they replaced the ignition switch because he felt that it had something to do with the situation. (Had to pay for the switch of course.) Now, I have to deal with the fact that my hubby is afraid of the car stranding him again, and when it gets ally cold, he borrows the roommate's car, which I am very much against because this guy is very material and superficial and would have a fit if my hubby got a scratch on it. He drives a new Subaru Crosstrek, which is in the ball park of $36,000, and that would truly destroy our chances to ever get away from here. I cannot convince him to stop doing this, but as I cannot convince him of anything these days I will just have to sit here terrified of him sideswiping another car due to road conditions or something like it. However, because we live with someone who is doing quite well we cannot get much of anything. And, we cannot afford to leave. So much for 'upward mobility'.

I was a professional entertainer for 40 years, and it all has pretty much culminated with nothing. I loved it. I loved all aspects of it, and I loved being creative. Now, doing any part of it is just painful and depressing to me, because it reminds me of what a complete failure I am. I understand what you are saying about those moments in life that might be less horrific than the rest of it, but I have a very difficult time finding them because the things that gave me fulfillment are now the things that create despair and surrender. It sucks. Also, I will never take any of that crap ever again. Paxil and Effexor rewired my head and not in a good way. And, since I am not a rich person, I can only seek out county help. They were the ones who tossed pills down my throat with no follow up and no attempt to offer me anything else. So, no thanks. There is a big difference between someone doing something honestly even when it fails, and someone doing something just for show and not really caring if it works or not. Until I can get the same level of care that some wealthy adulterer can get, there is no reason to try, as it won't be what I need, it will just be what they can do to look 'compassionate'. (Yes, I am filled with bile over the entire thing. I am very glad that it has worked for others. It did not work for me.)

If you will look at the blender, you will see that it has my name on it. So, I am totally screwed. It won't be long, I hope. I don't know what else to say. I hope i was not too depressing, but I just do not have much energy anymore to be otherwise. maybe once it warms up in four months. (Because to me it won't get warm around here until then.)