This may be it

[TigressDem]

81. It's easy to compare our insides to someone else's outsides and think they are doing better.

My main advantage is I have had support because I got up off my butt and went to meetings and did phone meetings when I was crazy busy and went to church and called sponsors, friends or family when I was at my wits end. One of my primary goals was to not be a depressed lump on the couch like my Mom was, so in my 20's anger and fear drove me to do anything to not wind up like that.

Also initially my ex who tried to kill me told me to go to Al Anon because he was going to AA. Like a good little wifey, I did. That was when he was Dr. Jeckyll. I went and even when he started back into drinking and became Hyde and told me not to go because they would tell me to leave him, they didn't, that is always a decision made by the individual. They just work the steps, share with you and give honest feedback if you ask for it.

Basically I got an hour or two a week outside of myself to look at myself and not drown in the problems.

My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I shouldn't go there alone.

That bit of air helped me see the world isn't just black or white, but everything in between and so much more. But I had to open myself to being teachable. A closed mind can never see anything new.

Most people I know who ever got Social Security had to apply at least 3 times. It's probably an unwritten rule to make sure someone is actually seriously in need and willing to bow and scrape for it.


30 years of finding support one way or another helped me find resilience, but even today I was doubting myself and facing my fears. But because I didn't try to fix myself with my own faulty thinking, but branched out and looked for people who had other ideas, I learned new things. One day at a time, one problem at a time, even one minute at a time.

Did you ever watch Cannon Ball Run with Burt Reynolds and Sally Field? At one point there is a minor character with an Italian race car and as he gets ready to join the convoy he rips off his rear view mirror and tosses it out of the car. His passenger is shocked. "Wha? Why?" or something to that effect she says.... His answer is part of my life philosophy now.....

"What's a behind a me, she no matter."

So in the middle of the day when I've had it with the blender or people at work or losing another job that is beneath my dignity to begin with, I reset myself. I start over. "What's a behind a me, she no matter." Whatever bugged me can bugger off and deal with itself unless I really have the time energy and/or tools to handle it or know someone who can help me, then I decide if I will handle it, get help or put it off until I think I will be better able to deal.

This chick at work is another one of those alpha females that seem so prevalent in the warehouse environment. In some ways you have to be somewhat full of yourself to go in day after day, work your butt off along side a bunch of guys. I try to be mostly bright and shinny about it, lots of thank you and taking advise and finding whatever I can do well and at times making suggestions for improvement based on other places I have been that tackled problems differently. At least that is me on the surface.

I have had a lot of drama filled conversations with this woman in my head because I really need to spout off at her even if she doesn't need to hear it. Funny thing is, my mind feels relieved that I see the problem and am thinking it through, so it eases up and lets me go through my day.

Simple confrontation first week she was there. I found a paper with her name on it that is associated with a job she was working on at the end of the day. I handed it to her so she could make sure no one needed it to complete her order. Sometimes they use it to check all the items were correctly picked. She looks at me like, nah, I didn't drop that. They did. It's not on me.

Kinda funny. If I had wanted to get her in trouble, I could have given it to management and if she had made a mistake it would be on her record. By giving it to her, I was giving her the power to fix it if needed and keep it off her record.

And she's always on this kick about other people not cleaning this and that up as they go, but we clean from 4-4:30pm every day so sometimes we finish a pick and go back to it afterward. Or at least we grab what we need before cleaning out packaging for instance. She's all up in my face about it on a daily basis whether it was my fault or not. My snarky self is like, "Girl, you been here 5 minutes and you know everything and are going to tell us how it goes? I think not." So I don't say that to her, but my face doesn't allow me to lie. Most people can see what I am thinking and I don't have to say it at all.

Finally she did something that got my Irish up. She parked her pallet in front of these liquid products that we all need to grab. They are 50 pounds and awkward to carry if something is blocking the way. She had her pallet there for hours. Finally, I needed to actually grab the pallet in the location because I needed 20 of them and asked if I could move it for her and she said, "No, I want it there."

I said, "You know. I was just trying to be nice. I need to get the pallet behind yours out of there for my pick, so this needs to be moved."

"Fine" She allowed me to do that for her. So gracious.

"And" I told her "You don't need to be pulling an attitude on me."

Later that day I did report to the boss that she's parking in front of that space and it's rude to all of us. He's going to make a general announcement and I thank him. He didn't, maybe he talked to her instead. But I told him I do want her to succeed because we are a team and her success is our success, but we need to work together. I also said I will let him handle it because if she keeps it up I have ways of dealing with her, but that's kind of old me and I don't want to be that way any more. I said, "I won't get violent, but it won't be very nice and it's just better if it comes from you any way."

The important part is that she does her stupid stuff, I think on it and have these marvelous come backs in my mind and chuckle at myself. But because I know I could leave her a crying mess if I made that my goal, I don't need to do it and not doing it makes me feel better about who I am as a person. I have things to do, people who want my time and she's not going to be wasting any more of my time than absolutely necessary.

At the end of the day what really matters is how I treat people and how I take care of myself. My actions are my responsibility. My feelings are what they are and I try to feel them and deal with them without making it an external lifetime production with heroes and villains and dramatic posturing. Mostly my little rants tell me that I understand why I am upset and that I can choose to let someone push my buttons or I can reject the impulse and watch how confused they get when I don't let them wreck my day.

Bottom line is other people's opinion of me or evaluation of my success is none of my business.

Opinions are like a**holes. Every one has one. Whoopy doo.

But you my friend have to free yourself from this huge judgement. So WHAT if you aren't a freaking music star? It's great that you have talent and sad that you have the challenges, but that is only 1 dimension of you as a person. I am certain you are a lot more and you can find reasons to breathe and more to enjoy if you let yourself.

I still haven't finished writing my novels or plays, but I enjoy reading. Sure, I am pretty damn boring a lot of the time, but I can live with that. It's not the end of the world. I'd like to make the world a better place, but I struggle to find energy to do laundry.

EVERY fricken thing I get done on my to do list is practically a miracle considering how screwed up my sleep has been lately. That and this very physical job that has me in huge pain but is also getting me in better shape, has my emotions all over the place.

But if I get grouchy, I own it and if I still think someone needs to do a bit more on their end, I ask.

Hey, worst that can happen is someone says, "No" but if I don't ask, "No" is the automatic answer, so it's not much of a loss. And standing up for myself at least shows me I am trying and not letting everyone and everything else decide my worth.

WHO told you that you are a failure?

You are the only YOU on the planet. Even if you are completely screwed up, exhausted and mentally done with how you are living in the world, you have resilience and skills you don't know about. We all do. Your own uniqueness is all you owe this world and you don't have to be on a stage to do that.

Be nice to yourself. Be nice to someone else. Get off the judgement train. Just be yourself and breathe a little. Let some sunshine in. Listen to some good music. Write down all the shit that bugs you and find a metal trash can and set it on fire. Burn it out. Let it go. You are a human being and you are worth the air you breathe and so much more.

A year from now you will be able to help someone else not drown in despair.

Or at least not yell at some stupid get who sorely needs it.

Progress not perfection.