This may be it

[OldBaldy1701E]

82. Thank you again.

However, I never wanted to be a 'star', even though having enough success to earn a living is going to bring a level of 'stardom' I suppose. It is how an entertainer survives, bringing in audiences. So, it is part of the equation even if it is not what I am looking for, nor why I did it.

To answer your question, I said I was a failure. I am the one who makes that call. No one has ever told me I was a failure. No one has had to. It is obvious. I am always nice to other people. My husband always tells me that I am too nice, in fact. I find that thought frightening. As for being the only 'me' on the planet, that brings a bit of comfort. I doubt the world would want more than one of me around. An anxiety ridden, manic depressive coward who cannot even take control of his own life. Brilliant.

I am so sorry about all of this. You mention the prospect of talking to other people... I wish I had someone to talk to around here. I have my husband, who I am trying not to drive away. That is it. After five years of trying, I can safely say that I have zero desire to speak to anyone around here. These people have literally run away from me. To this day I am still stunned at that incident. We arrived at the local park to walk our dog. These three ladies came along with their little dogs. As I watched, they saw us, stopped, picked up their little furballs, and scurried back in the other direction. It looked like the opening of a movie where the bad guys arrived and everyone scatters because they look so intimidating. But, we were not looking intimidating. We were not looking like anything except people out for a stroll with their dog. I should have figured it out then. But, I can be a bit slow when it comes to interpersonal dynamics because I don't see why anyone would want to be an asshole in public. But, up here it seems to be the behavior or choice. Most people won't even look at me as we pass each other. It is scary, to be honest. However, I can see that I am not doing what this forum says, which is to be supportive. I just don't have it in me anymore. The guy who used to be the one everyone came to for advice has none to give anymore. I should just accept my fate. And, stop being such a wet blanket in a place that is trying to do some good.