Dying to Leave, Trying to Live: My Depression Journey NOVEMBER 23, 2019 / JOHN PAVLOVITZ

[littlemissmartypants]

Dying to Leave, Trying to Live: My Depression Journey
NOVEMBER 23, 2019 / JOHN PAVLOVITZ

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2019/11/23/dying-to-leave-trying-to-live-my-depression-journey/

(Trigger warning: suicide, self-harm)

“I’m done living.”

It was a few days after Christmas and I was sitting in a car outside our Central New York hotel, with heavy snow swiftly obscuring the world outside the windows. My tears turned cold as they ran down my cheeks, and my labored breath shot white clouds like fireworks in front of me.

After months of a slow and steady slide into a now lingering sadness that would not lift—all my exhausted mind could now process was, “I’m done.”

I didn’t want to kill myself (at least I didn’t process it that way in that moment), I just felt as though I’d exhausted every possibility that a living person could to not feel like this: prayer, therapy, meditation, medication, working out, nature, journaling, art, breathing exercises, positive thinking—and it was all presently failing me. I’d simply run out of options and energy, and I was through looking.

It didn’t matter that all the objective evidence of my life testified that I should be happy, that I was fortunate, that I had so much to be grateful for, so much to want to live for—none of that registered in that moment, none of that tipped the scales toward hope. The dire story I told myself didn’t require data. It never does.

Snip...


(Note: If you’re struggling with depression, desire to self-harm, or suicidal thoughts, talk to someone at the National Suicide Prevention lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Help can also be found here
http://twloha.com/find-help
and here
http://www.befrienders.org/
and here
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/section/get-help
now.

You are worth fighting for.)

[Help is also available now at the 988 hotline by text or call.]

Much more at the link...
https://johnpavlovitz.com/2019/11/23/dying-to-leave-trying-to-live-my-depression-journey/

~~~●~~~●~~~●~~~●~~~●~~~

As someone who has struggled with major depression since junior high school I wish I could say that it has become easier to cope but that would be a lie. I used to constantly struggle with intrusive suicidal thoughts. Often the holidays are a difficult time for me and I know for many others.

I have recurring images of myself being put through a meat grinder. I think I'll be better as ground up than as a whole person because I'm just so sad. It's taken me most of my life to realize that my mind is not my friend when I'm in that place.

But sometimes, after being free of the meat grinder, it pops into my life and I have to do everything in my power to hold on. Somehow I have managed to make it this far. I'm here to tell you that as hard as it seems you can hold on and there will be better days ahead. So...stay strong and stay encouraged. I love you.

❤️ pants