Dying to Leave, Trying to Live: My Depression Journey NOVEMBER 23, 2019 / JOHN PAVLOVITZ

[crimycarny]

4. My son died by suicide 1/27/2022

He was 25. My entire soul left my body when he died and I'm an empty shell, just counting off the days until my time finally comes and I'm released from this hell. No joy, no hope, "good days" are when I'm numb.

The GUILT of not seeing my son's pain is absolutely excruciating. I cannot forgive myself. John Pavolovitz mentions it's a mystery how some can step back from the precipice and others can't, but he makes it clear that no amount of love is enough to save someone if they are determined to end their pain. I've heard that from others who have suffered suicidal ideation, even having made an attempt. It helps a little to hear that, but I quickly go back to blaming myself.

Coming up on my son's 1-year anniversary of his death. I hate how the world continues to spin even though he's gone. He was such a "giver" to others, he just couldn't extend the same grace to himself.

Thank you for posting.