I'm sorry, it WAS my fault, and I can't accept being told otherwise.

[Denninmi]

14. Actually, this is exactly the kind of analysis I need.

You are VERY good at this, you know.

So, I'll try to dig deeper into this.

You wrote:

What you wrote about "the guy who spent time" makes me think about 'self' and some sort of valuable quality of self that's been lost or changed.

So, what do I perceive I lost or was changed by this experience?

invincibility is one word that comes to mind. I was always in denial about a lot of things in terms of health, ignored things because "it won't happen to me". That is one aspect. I was always, in my mind, going to be the "strong one" the firewall, so to speak, protecting family and home, even if the neither knew nor appreciated it. And that all goes right back to my role as "protector" of my mother, I got older and intentionally antagonized him so he would go off on me and not on her. And I thought I would always be strong enough to be that firewall against whatever. But I wasn't, I realized I couldn't take care of myself, let alone anyone else.


Control - another word, I always felt I could control myself. I have had unacceptable thoughts over the years, who doesn't - what would happen if I .... Ran that red light, or grabbed that item in the store and slipped out without paying, or walked up that obnoxious loudmouth and told him to shut up.. I think (hope) thoughts like that are normal, the immediate follow-up reaction is, yeah, I'll get a ticket or cause an accident, I'll get arrested for shoplifting, I'll get my lights punched out, so don't do it. But that impulse control mechanism quit working for a while, which was weird, and I did drive like a total ass, and I did run those red lights, and it was very disconcerting when I realized this. Then the pendulum swung the other way, and I became fearful of everything.

I guess I could list minor points ad nauseum, but the big thing is exactly what Tobin said:

There is nothing shameful about having to visit a psych ward. You weren't even in lock down. This has more to do with your own attitudes and biases toward the mentally ill. You can't stand thinking of yourself as one of "them." I've seen this theme in your writing here since you were diagnosed despite your attempts to make everyone else "okay" with the mentally ill.

Tobin is right. I still carry the innate prejudice I got from somewhere. And I really have to ask myself what that is REALLY all about? Because I would like to think I am NOT like that. And God knows, I have gotten to know a lot of people with MH issues, and I thought highly of them, especially the ones like our little group here, who are the winners in all of this, the ones who didn't get sucked into the abyss but fought back in small and big ways. And those are the very people I am trying to emulate. Instead, I think I have pissed a few if you off, and, well, sorry doesn't seem adequate, I am at a loss for deeper words.

So, if I'm not just another garden variety bigot, why does it bother me to have been in a day program? Well, the obvious, which is part of it, is lying by omission to people in my life. Like at work, it was this big "medical mystery" that I just glossed over by saying it was " too painful to talk about". Of course, the reality was I was afraid that they wouldn't want to work with me anymore. Other people didn't even know that, just that "something is going on". At the time, I was afraid if they found out, they would reject me because of the MH diagnosis. Now, I wonder more if it wouldn't be because I covered it up. I guess it's like Clinton, what was more hurtful to Hillary and Chelsea Clinton, the act of infidelity, or the lies he told? Hard to say.

My therapist keeps believing that everything relates back to my father in some way. And, some if it does, overtly. Like the whole gym thing - it's the entire testosterone laden experience of feeling like "one of the guys" that I never got from him AND wasn't allowed to get from anyone else. It was hard growing up with a worthless to less than worthless male role model while simultaneously being explicitly forbidden from participating in any of the "normal" male activities, sports, scouting, outdoorsmanship, having normal peer friendships, later dating, not something I was even free to do until college, where I did it pretty poorly overall. In fact, it was very hard. And I always used to tell myself it didn't matter and it didn't hurt, but it did matter and it still hurts.

But deeper, she keeps telling me I'm afraid I am "like him" and I just don't see it, or feel it, or at least not very much. He really was a monster, I know I keep saying it, but I am one of the "good guys" I do my best to look out for others and help if it's within my ability, even if it's something as simple as holding a door for someone or just saying hello to a passing stranger with a smile.