I'm sorry, it WAS my fault, and I can't accept being told otherwise.

[Denninmi]

15. Part 2 here.

is that about 'I wish I hadn't done _____ , my life is different and it's my fault--I've shamed my self.'

or,

is that a statement that things have changed and in the process 'I lost something; now I am not the same self. This changed self doesn't feel good. I would wish I could get that thing back because without it I'm needy.'

Well, I can honestly say, without it being some kind of value judgment, that i wish i hadn't gone to the psych ward for the simple reason no one wants to get any kind of illness, mental or physical. I could make the same statement with the same feelings behind it if I had spent three weeks in the cardiac ward or oncology.

Taking it a level deeper, of course I am still worried about what the reaction would be if my firewall doesn't hold, both because of an underlying mental health diagnosis and because I covered it up, as I said before.

But the other half of it isn't true for me at all. I feel about as good about myself right now EXCEPT for the base issue of this entire thread, shame, as I think I ever have. I have changed tremendously in the past few months for the better all around, because I had an enormous wake up call about what is really important in life, which is living a good life in a way that enriches yourself and those around you.

So no, I'm definitely not the same man I was six months ago, but it is remarkably positive change. And, six months from now, it will be even better. I am doing amazing things that make me so proud of myself, and I am not stopping. One example, I had an appt this morning at the gym with the dietician, we talked about what I had done in three months, and where I should take this. And she said something that kind of floored me, because it was something I would have never even had on my radar screen six months ago OR even thought possible. But, she suggested next summer, July through September, I enroll in their three month triathlon training program, which involves trainers and coaches working one and one and in small groups on everything from basics, such as basic swimming and running, to more advanced stuff. Me, triathlons? Hell yes. Amazing.