More about looking forward vs the past.

[Denninmi]

Since the core group here knows me well, I wanted to talk about the difference I feel from a year ago. In particular, thinking about the fact that Labor Day is coming up soon. I was at about my lowest on Labor Day 2012 - contemplating that my life was over, and I actually had at one point briefly decided to finish the job before the fates could. I knew where, my favorite spot at the local park. When - that Sunday morning at sunrise. As for the how, I contemplated buying a gun. I didn't think I could live with the shame of what happened and who I believed I was, I saw no future for myself at all, just a short spell of agony before I came to a bad end. I know, you heard it all before a billion times -- I'm sick of hearing it myself, so I'll stop here.

Fast forward. I am glad I didn't try to chose that path. I would have either ended up dead or seriously institutionalized in a way that really would have destroyed me -- in a way that there would have been no privacy and probably no confidence on the part of others that I could "cut it" in the real world.

I am pretty much having a blast with my life. I am doing things that amaze me, blow me away, really. And, I'm really happy doing it, and really happy that I feel I am moving forward towards goals and have a concept of where I want to be in 6 months, in a year. My life is all about fighting back, hard, and resolving the issues and flaws that got me where I was last year. Pushing myself every day to get better and better, physically and mentally. Finding my passion in life and running with it. Not sweating the small stuff. Appreciating everything I have, every day.

In reading on other MH support forums, my interpretation is that the people who successfully overcome MH issues are those that 1) are very proactive about doing it; 2) come to realization that they can "do better in life" and don't buy into victimhood or dependency; 3) never quit working at fighting back against their problems; 4) try to learn as much as possible about what is going on; 5) find good, competent professionals to help, and, 6) find a core group of support.

It's been one hell of a ride. No doubt about that. If you had told me, 11 months ago, I would be writing such a positive message today, I never would have believed you. If you were to tell me today that 12 months from now I will have reached some more goals -- yes, I WILL be doing a triathlon next summer, don't give a rat's ass if I even finish, just the mere act of trying will be enough for me to confirm that where, and who, I was, is not where and who I have to be -- I would absolutely believe you, because I believe it myself, to the core of my being.

This is what I love about the very small DU MH Support community -- it seems to me like we have a lot of winners here who know how to fight back, people who function just fine day to day in the world no matter what life throws at them.

Love to all.