In some ways it's one of my core issues around which everything else orbits. It crops up everywhere too, I have to be always on the lookout for it. True perfectionism isn't about compelling someone to get 'A's so much as you fucking HAVE to get A's in order to validate yourself as a person. Your very self worth is tied into getting those As. It also rears its head in lots of non academic areas too. You find you can't let yourself make mistakes in almost any arena, friendships, romances, hobbies, careers, exercise, everything has to be perfect in some sense. And true perfectionists often have a very uneven academic track record. The reason is that there is SO much emotional pressure they put on themselves to succeed that they can't support it for long. They get A+ after A+ then something comes along where they can't get an A and the whole house of cards comes crumbling down. At least that's how it works for me.
Ironically severe procrastination often goes hand in hand with perfectionism. I never developed good study habits all through high school and early college. I hatted the social aspects of high school and so I wanted to dwell on school as little as possible. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you look at it, I was intelligent enough that I never needed to really study much in HS to get strait As most of the time. I'm not saying this to blow my own horn, it's just an important part of my problem. I spent 4 years trying to get something out of university before giving up some years back (I'm back at it now). Again with little to no studying I'd still manage good grades most of the way through. But unlike in HS this only took me so far. In many classes I would now notice that I was getting slowly behind and after a while things would build to a head. I would get 2 or 3 months into a semester with a good head start, good grades and a positive outlook in the first few weeks. But the anxiety would build up day after day. I'd go to school more and more reluctantly every day. Eventually the anxiety, depression, and realization that I was behind would reach a peak, usually coinciding with some important assignment, and I'd just throw up my hands and give up. I would withdraw from all my classes and just give up. Rinse and repeat year after year.
I'm hoping with some of the life changes I've made and the positive momentum I've built up that this coming year will be different. This past year was one of the first years I managed to get through from beginning to end so that's a plus as well. I've burned so many fucking bridges in my life I can't afford to keep going down that path.
Perhaps you can relate. You said that you are doing better now days. What was your perfectionism like when it was bad?
= new reply since forum marked as read