Almost went to hospital, may still...

[Locut0s]

6. Please don't feel like you need to apologize...

Your suggestions were 100% the right thing to do and were kind and very well meaning, there is no way you could have known my exact state of mind. Hell, I didn't know my state of mind quite till it was too late. I should have never moved into the dorms and taken the heavy course load at the same time. I should have done part time, a few classes here and there and continued to work on myself. But I thought that perhaps I'd solved some of my issues. I realize now that most of the stuff I did during the summer, while they were positive strides, were largely cosmetic fixes. They were important cosmetic fixes, don't get me wrong, and have helped to mature me but I hadn't started to tackle the heart of the matter. But anyway hindsight is 20/20. One thing I DID learn by moving into the dorms though is that I don't have any serious issues living by myself which is a positive discovery.

As for the field of study that's a very difficult thing for me to decide. Computers really are a strong suit for me. The problem is, so are many things. I tend to get good grades in most things I do, the question is how much stress and anxiety they induce. My favorite topics are science and math, my strongest ones academically too, and I still had similar issues to this trying to get a degree in that back some years ago. Like you said though I think I have some skill at photography as well. So I don't really know where I should go. Making a living as a photographer is notoriously difficult. It's a cut throat business and unless you don't mind doing something like portrait or wedding photography, areas that I have little interest in, it can be a tough slog. Sadly I'm lacking in the one area that seems absolutely crucial to succeeding in almost everything. Self confidence, self motivation and the ability to sell one's self. People who have these skills can make a go at almost anything, regardless of skill. Those who lack almost any ability in these areas may find it difficult even with an abundance of skill or intelligence.

I'm going to see my psychiatrist again in a few days and I'll see where things go from there. Right now I don't want to think about the future at all as I'm not able to see anything positive at the moment. I realize that's the result of looking at things through the haze of anxiety and depression, but it's still disheartening.

Thanks for the reply Tobin