So now what?...

[Locut0s]

6. Thank you Peggy...

In the really short term I think I need to relax and regroup. Thinking too much about what my options are right now just leads me to panic again. I have some Ativan here now that I'm going to take over the next few days to help with the short term stuff. Longer term I'll speak with my psychiatrist about med changes. I know I need to get back to my exercises and weight loss as that was very good for me.

I'm not sure how to go about getting a therapist I can see on a daily basis. Hopefully a good one too, as they vary in quality so much, like any profession. Cost also worries me in this regard.

Thanks for reminding me it doesn't matter how long it takes. I rarely feel that. I occasionally speak to another friend of mine who has his own emotional issues, actually in many respects he's a lot worse than me. And he thinks time is everything, that you're a total failure unless you achieve X by age Y. I tell him like you are telling me that this is not the case, that life affords people the ability to develop at their own rate and truthfully fuck the status quo that he continually measures himself against. Thing is I do much the same without realizing it a lot of the time. I have difficulty actually feeling the truth of the fact that it doesn't matter, deep down I think I feel that it really does very much. Deep down I compare myself to others all the time and the comparison is almost never flattering on my end of the scale. I have to stop doing this.

Thanks, I know my life is not over. Well factually I know this. There are lots of people out there in their 40s and 50s who only begin to discover themselves. But I don't FEEL this, is the problem. Like so much else, I know all the facts but I can't tap into the truth of things emotionally. Ironically I think I'd make a good psychiatrist as I can analyse myself and others fairly well and see the factual truth of the matter but, again ironically, when it comes time to act my emotions don't match my logic. It's like knowing the proof of a mathematical formula, one that can't be refuted, and being able to show someone all the steps in the proof, but still somehow feeling great uncertainty about it emotionally.

Again thanks for listening to all this rambling, just venting and having people listen is helpful at times.