So, I freaked out yesterday.

[davidthegnome]

3. So I went to work.

It took every bit of courage I had, and even then I had a panic attack halfway there and had to stop for twenty minutes. I went to the manager's office, she told me to close the door, and I said, "I know it was very irresponsible for me to take off without calling in yesterday. So first I wanted to apologize for that..." and I told her everything that was going on, how right now I don't feel like I can trust myself, how I'm, in a twisted way, scared of my own brain.

It probably doesn't make any sense for most people, but she seemed to get it. "Well, it will set us back a little bit Dave, but I want you to go get the help you need, then maybe come and see me when you're better." She explained that the Boss (rich guy, owns two hotels, etc.) wouldn't be willing to take on the liability of having an unstable employee.

So now I'm out of a job - and need therapy, which I now definitely can't pay for, but maybe my parents can help. Maybe not. I don't know, I just feel defeated, like I can't function right. Millions of normal people go about their daily lives, their jobs and everything else every single day with little complaint - without having a mental breakdown every year like I seem to. I really wish I could be normal, happy, stable. I wish I could have a simpler life.

I wonder what the government shutting down will do to Mainecare and similar programs - I was already rejected once, but I'm thinking about re-applying to pay for therapy. I wonder if there's any point.

Sorry for the rant. I just feel so hopeless right now.