If living in an area where a day program, or real treatment was available, would make a difference. When you're living in a rural area, far away from any true city, when it takes months to get to see a psychiatrist, well, your options are rather limited. They become even more limited when you can't get health insurance - no, not under Obamacare either as I just lost my job. Add to that the fact that Maine's governor is rejecting federal money for health insurance assistance, and, well...
Negativity, feeling sorry for myself... yep, that could be a summary for me as well. Still, I thought I would respond to your post (rather late, but a response) because you responded to mine.
It can be something of a roller coaster, living with mental illness, particularly when it becomes severe. Or, when it may seem like an endless cycle of going from hope to misery, from ambition to surrender. Me, this is my millionth or so breakdown and I've lost just about everything.
What keeps me hanging on Dennimi... what stops me from completely throwing in the towel, are the people around me that love me. It is the knowledge that, if something happened to me, they would be miserable, perhaps suffer as I have suffered, because of the loss. Now maybe that's a trifle narcissistic, but perhaps true at the same time. It is those poor folks who give a damn, who struggle with me through every failure and fall.... that keep me clinging on.
I know that there are times when it seems hopeless, when it seems like the misery will never end. But all the same... give it time, you will smile again. You will laugh again. You will love and weep and struggle and succeed. Whether in great ways or small ones.
This too shall pass in time. I know that doesn't make the current suffering any easier - it doesn't for me, either. Yet... twenty-nine, a million times over I could have surrendered, and I've damn close at times. Somehow, I'm still here. Because I refuse to give up completely. Because I choose to still believe that somewhere, somehow, some time, things will get better. The will to live and to thrive is a powerful thing.
I'm miserable too, right there with you. Just letting you know I give a damn, and telling you what helps me keep going. At the end of the day, it's the people that care.
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