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[Denninmi]

1. Great question. I don't think many "normal" people understand just how hard this is.

If they did, they would never mock or ridicule or stigmatize anyone going through any kind of significant mental health problem. But, there are petty minds and ignorant people in the world, as well as cruel and evil ones.

You, and everyone else here, knows in depth the events of the past 14-15 months of my life. And, you no doubt know how utterly terrified I have been of stigma, of the thought that knowledge of my problems being disseminated into the wider world beyond DU and a few very discrete individuals would ruin me. As you know, I believed it would literally end my life, that I would have no future, no career, etc.

And, as I wrote a few weeks ago, my darkest moment, darkest secret that I didn't share with anyone, professionals or otherwise, was the fact that I did have one remnant of my father, his old pistol. And, in the worst of it last year, I bought bullets and sat on a dock at five in the morning intent on killing myself. It was a stupid, fucked up thing to do. And, I didn't do it because of "mental illness" per se, I did it out of the sense of desperation that grew from that situation which revolved around those events and those beliefs. And, as you all also know, my beliefs about mental illness and those with it were as skewed and stigmatizing as anyone's in this society -- my statement that I believed my initial diagnosis of bipolar was a "death sentence" raised more than a few hackles. And, rightly so. I have since learned a LOT about the entire diaspora of mental illness, it has been very eye-opening, and I hope that what I learned has made me a better man, less inclined to run with a stereotype and more inclined to view these situations with an objective eye. The reality is, so many people have mental health histories. I am finding that out more and more all of the time. People I never would have guessed have problems, or people with loved ones with problems.

I started watching Breaking Bad a few weeks ago, and I was struck by the manner in the lead character, Walter White, goes to extremes to cover up his crimes from his family, and of course the authorities, since he is "cooking" and dealing methamphetamine. I've done that, too, (not the meth part), gone to extremes to cover up the entire mental health crisis I went through, from the initial panic attacks to the day hospital to the ongoing treatment struggles. I have taken "baby steps" towards becoming open and revealing this information, over about the past 6-8 months. But, it has only been in the past two months, as I really confronted what occurred in an attempt at desensitization therapy that I have begun to come to terms, slowly, with the concept of outing myself to the people in my life. And, I have been doing it. In fact, I posted the other day about this, and ... I've made some serious inroads. There are still a few people I said I needed to tell, that I haven't out of fear, but ... I've also told some of the people on my list.

And, the response has really surprised me. I feared what they would say, or think, and of course, maybe with some time to let it sink in, they may react differently. But, to a person, they have been nothing but gracious about it. And, they have all reassured me they do not think less of me.

So, "coming out" has been an act of bravery.

But, I think it is only the second bravest thing I did. The first was NOT blowing my brains out on that dock. Because, it took far more courage not to take the easy way out, to face a very uncertain and terrifying future.

And, I think ALL OF US are brave for going through this. We didn't ask for it, we sure as Hell don't want it, but just like any other illness, it is what it is, it's absolutely no one's fault. It's not my fault I have PTSD, I grew up in a Hellish environment, tortured by a father with his own serious mental health issues. I don't fault him for having those issues, I do fault him for not realizing the damage he was doing. I and my family deserved so much better. Mental health, like any disease, has environmental and genetic components, both interact to create the conditions we have. It is what it is. And, we deal. And, we survive.

There are going to be people who mock us, ridicule us, consider us less than equal, or even less than human. That may just be due to ignorance in the literal sense of the word, just as I did, they may just need to be educated about mental illness. If it goes beyond that, if they are made fully aware of what this is like, and they choose to remain hateful, well, they are just bigots. And, I think things are changing in society, people are becoming more open about mental health, and I think the vast majority of people would condemn a mental health bigot just like they would condemn a racial bigot, or a GLBT bigot, or a sexist. Because good and decent people know it's life. And, to again quote Bon Jovi lyrics from a favorite song off a favorite album, "It's ok to be a little broken, everybody's broken, in this life. It's ok to be a little broken, everybody's broken, that's just life, it's ok."

To the unreformed bigot, I have only this to say, "Fuck You! Rot in Hell, and remember this, those you vilify, the troubled, the needy, the desperate, and the very people that Jesus said needed your help and compassion the most. So, to go against them, to hold them in contempt and disdain, is to go against God, who created everyone in His image."

To the good people of the world, the vast majority, who "get it", I have only this to say, "Thank you, and God Bless, your kindness and support makes all of the difference in the world."

Finally, this thought -- someone else on these forums wrote something very recently about mental health, people's reactions, and the way some can be cruel. And, this author wrote about his personal struggles, how he over came them, and he concluded with this thought, "Living well is the best revenge." So true. My struggles have been hard, the last 14 months I've shed more tears than I knew I could. BUT, BUT, BUT ... I have also made amazing progress in so many areas of my life, I am truly "living well" in that sense. Sure, I have good days, and bad days, we all do. But, I am determined to beat my PTSD and have the life I deserved and still deserve, the life that was stolen from me by mental illness, both my own recently, and my father's from the first day of my life.

Namaste.