I think a family member is manic and bi-polar and it is scaring

[LastLiberal in PalmSprings]

8. A view from inside the disease

I'm diagnosed as bipolar. I have two states: on meds and off meds. On meds* keeps me within a reasonable range of emotions. I still get depressed (nothing matters, my whole life's been a failure despite my accomplishments as a lawyer, pilot, television director, etc.) and manic (I'll start a half dozen projects at once. I talk really fast and can't stop). Meds limit my time in either state, and return my thought processes to what for me passes as normal.

Off meds is pure hell. As mentioned earlier, grandiosity is probably the most obvious symptom of mania. That shows up as spending money I don't have, making bad decisions without thinking them out beforehand. For me, depression is the worst. I've taken several trips into what I call the Abyss, where it feels like my entire life force has been ripped from me. Mentally, it's like every bad thought I've ever had about myself comes racing out at the same time. The first time I fell into the Abyss I became suicidal (didn't act on it, fortunately) and unable to sleep more than three hours each night. The worst thing was not knowing whether it would ever end. (It did, after several months of Prozac.)

Talking with my wife, I know that from the outside it's horrible. You feel powerless watching the one you love suffer, not knowing during an unmedicated trip into the Abyss whether they'll be alive or not when you come home from work. When they're manic you feel helpless to stop them from hurting themselves.

So here is my advice as one with more than 30 years experience with the condition to someone in a relationship with a person who is bipolar. This is from the perspective of one who has made five trips into the Abyss and has finally accepted that I will have to take drugs the rest of my life:

1. First of all, take care of yourself, financially, physically and spiritually. Cut up their credit cards, move money into a separate account, protect your assets. Eat properly, go for walks, pray, be with friends, find a support group that works for you.

2. Support your loved one in getting professional help. Sometimes that means a gentle suggestion, but don't be afraid to use all the tools available to help the person. For minor mood swings talk therapy will often help; anything beyond that and you're talking meds. Be aware that coming up with the right drug mix is a trial-and-error process. In fact, while it's fairly easy to diagnose depression, diagnosing a patient as bipolar can take up to eight years, because being manic looks "normal" to someone used to seeing you stuck in depression.

3. Know that with proper treatment the deep depression or wild mania your loved one is in will end. Without treatment it may also end, just not pleasantly. The pain of depression can be so severe that it seems that death is the only way out. (BTW, I lived in L.A. during my first trip into the Abyss, and when I called the Suicide Hot Line I got a busy signal!)

4. You can't talk someone out of a depression. It just makes the downward spiral worse. What my wife and I have learned is for her to say, "Stop!" when she first sees me diving down. She may have to repeat it several times, but it usually works.

5. On the mania side, a gentle reminder, "You're talking really fast," or, "Take a deep breath and calm down," seems to work best. The big thing is to keep it simple. Distraction sometimes works.

Mental illness sucks, both for the person with it and those who care about them. Because I know what happens when I'm off the meds (I've tried several times, hence multiple trips into the Abyss) I am grudgingly recognizing that I can no longer fly as a pilot, or pursue a dream of sailing around the world. Meds slow your thought processes down, and sometimes even driving can be a challenge. It diminishes your enjoyment of life, of relationships, and there are times you can't see any acceptable future, let alone an inspiring one. You are aware that you are isolating yourself from your family and friends, or hurting the one you most love because she can't do anything but just be there.

Blah, blah, blah. The short answer, for me personally, is (1) find meds that work, and stay on them, (2) get therapy, or join a support group, or both, (3) be kind to yourself--you're sick, not defective--and be especially kind to those close to you, and (4) keep reminding yourself that you have a purpose in life--even if it's just to be someone who can share their experience of being bipolar with another person who wants to know about this condition.

Good luck, and I hope it all turns out well for you and the person you care about.

*I know there are those who eschew drugs in favor of a good diet, meditation and exercise. While that helped a little, it wasn't enough, hence I sought professional help. "Better living through chemistry," as my psychiatrist says.