how do you sort out

[nadine_mn]

2. I just had a talk with my husband tonight about how I am filtering

Everything through a shit lens. My depression has really kicked in hard, and everything anyone says or does is going through this shitty filter before it hits me. I told it doesn't matter right now if he is super perfect, I am receiving it distorted and negative.

I'm fortunate enough to have the insight to see it's not him or even me..it's the depression. But a part of it is also knowing and trusting him. Logically I *know* he is not trying to hurt my feelings or be an asshole, because after 20 yrs together my trust in him is strong. So even though right now stuff he does seems hurtful or careless or whatever, I know that it's because my depression is distorting everything. (And its little random stuff that under better health days I barely notice, but now seem different).

But that's because of our relationship we have built over years. If I was still working, going through this current bout of deep depression, I know (because looking back I see I did it before) I wouldn't be able to separate my broken interpretations from how my coworkers were really treating me and I would lash out. It pains me to see how poorly I treated people because I was reacting to perceived slights that didn't exist. I was so wrapped up in feeling like I was this shit person, that of course everyone else must know it too.

It's so awful...to not trust if what you are feeling is "real".