Roughly 10 yrs ago, 35 yrs of running away from my past caught up with me

[nadine_mn]

And I haven't been able to move since.

So I had a shitty childhood ...abusive, 2 narcissistic parents who used me as a way to hurt each other and for their own sick amusement. Whenever I watch a documentary about the childhood of a serial killer, I can mentally tick off the home environment stuff and then wonder how the hell I made it.

My mental illness starting really blossoming in high school with self-harm, but up until then I had plenty of other red flags.

I did what lots of others do - I tried to become an over achiever...through high school, college and law school I took the maximum amount of credits, the hardest classes in addition to extra curricular activities, part time employment (that got me in trouble in law school), volunteering plus a slew of partying, skipping class (there was a sick thrill in showing up once a week and seeing if I could BS my way through), binge drinking, more self harm blackouts etc. I may have tried to over achieve, but my grades finally went to shit in law school. My personal relationships were chaos and self destructive. It was like if I kept moving, kept busy, nothing could stick to me ... I just had to keep building obstacles, walls, and keep running.

I met the man I would marry when I was in my last year of law school...and all that whirlwind of chaos: drinking, lying outlandish stories, harmful behavior - just stopped. He was like an instant calm. Not to say our first years were ok...hooo boy they were not. It wasn't until we had been together 3 yrs that I was diagnosed with depression and put on meds (that was in 2000 at age 28) that finally I was able to be a stable person.

Or so I thought...I replaced drinking and self harm with overeating (I now weigh over 400), and threw myself into advocacy work. I took on every case, gave 110% at least, working crazy hours, literally giving everything I had to anyone who asked. By 2007 I thought I was in my prime...director of my own program, in charge of interns, volunteers, grant writing, direct advocacy, speaking and educating all over the state. I easily worked 70-80 hrs a week. I loved it. It was killing me.

I was still running..trying to put as much between me and my childhood trauma as I could.

Then it all stopped hard. I was fired in Oct 2007 (my borderline personality disorder wasn't being treated and my moods were crazy. I was a great advocate to victims, great educator...horrible co-worker and employee because I just vented constantly - no boundaries). Then in August 2008 my grandpa died, Jan 2009 my husband and I had to make the decision to say goodbye to our eldest dog. That was devastating. A month later my grandma died (my grandparents were like parents to me...I was closer to them than my mom and dad so the loss of them just sucked the life out of me). 2010 I started a contract position I knew was going to be a bad decision (it was) but we needed the money and I needed to get back to work. And our other dog died. The job I had was a complete shit show and I spiraled deeper into depression. 2011 I finally found a therapist that I trusted and he has been doing his damnedest to help.

More shit happened after that ... we said goodbye to 2 more pets, my mom had major medical issues, my husband lost his job etc. But it was that kick off in Oct 2007 that started the reverse momentum. I could never get back in the race away from my past. I'd start and then another loss would knock me down.

And here I am...10 yrs later...no job since 2010, nearly agoraphobic, depressed, lost all interest in living. I have had my medications tinkered with but no good combination, my therapy visits are sporadic (only a few this year because shitty insurance), my husband of nearly 18 yrs still loves me and supports me (bless his heart).

I don't feel like me, haven't in so long. I still don't recognize this person who sleeps for days, who is afraid to leave the house, who can barely get one thing accomplished in a day. Compared to the me of my teens and early 30's, this is a stranger. I may have been self destructive and my life may have been chaotic...but at least I worked, I helped other people, I got out of the house, had a social life. But I feel like a physical weight has finally caught up with me and won't let go (there is a Japanese horror film that comes to mind).

How crazy is it to miss my most self destructive life...because at least I was feeling and doing things? I'm tapering off my meds..talked it over with my GP about trying to balance mood swings (off meds) with zombie like lethargy (on meds). It's a temporary solution until we get health insurance that will cover mental health visits. My health is going to shit...I barely leave the house and have become so sedentary that when I do go somewhere I am out of breath and over heated just walking from the car. I am so angry and frustrated ...so hardly to explain why my life just seems to have stopped.

Sorry this is so long, I'm just having one of those poor me moments. I just needed to write it out.