Roughly 10 yrs ago, 35 yrs of running away from my past caught up with me

[DFW]

17. That must have taken a lot of courage to lay it all out like that.

I hope it sustains you to find your way back out of the tunnel.

My wife has a friend in a somewhat similar situation. Her path to where she is was nowhere near the same, and she never married, but she's pretty much there. On meds, lethargic, off meds, she finds herself back in a mental institution within days. She's over 60 now. We don't see her ever getting out of her box. Here's hoping you do find your way out. It sounds like you have the smarts to do it. Finding the motivation is the greater task. You might just yet stumble upon it. My wife was a social worker all her life. She saw people in the deepest of dark places, and who yet crawled back to daylight. Some needed her help, and some actually managed it on their own. Not everyone will. It is important to remember that. But it CAN be done. That is the most important thing to remember.